Circle Report #1914
24th February 2010The 'Hash v Boo Moh Cheh Case'
Venus Drive Supreme Court
Defendant:Boo Moh Chee, also known as Mad Chinaman, or Boo.
Co Defendants: Too Easy, G-String, Quickie.
The Case
That the defendant, Boo Moh Cheh, now referred to as ‘Boo,’ is here by charged with:
- Serial short cutting. As a consequence, this triggered a Singaporean Advertising Campaign, known as ‘DON’T follow Boo.’ This quickly became a Global Campaign, and despite massive promotion, there are still people who will ‘Follow Boo.’ Cult following charge.
- Invoking racial tension by continuous calling of ‘Too many guilohs.’
- Sexual harassment in that he encourages men to ‘Push the women aside.’
- Physical and mental degradation of women by calling out, ‘Need an ugly women,’ and in particular harassing one female by always telling her she has an ‘Ugly Bum.’
- Deception, by singing ‘She’s a little flat – chested,’ to any female with a bust size less than 38DD.
- Causing degeneration of the English Language through telling anyone from a native speaking English country, in particular Australia and New Zealand, to ‘Speak English.’
- The singing of Bawdy and Lewd songs in public, in particular at upper class society venues such as The Red Lantern and Beng Cheng.
- Marriage by deceit, in that he lured a female far above his class, into marrying him, by telling her, and everyone else, that he was almost a very good lawyer.
And who will be your Defence Lawyer?’ enquires the Judge.
‘I will act for myself,’ replies Boo, ‘I am an almost good lawyer you know.’
‘So how does the defendant plead?’ asks the Judge, Wet N Wild.
‘Not guilty your Honor.’ says the accused. ‘I would like to say a few words in my defence. I am totally innocent.’
At this point , there is murmur from the very large crowd packed into the Court House. Looking around, I could see about 8 or so Virgins, many returning spectators such as Posh Duck, Yohan and Ratnam, who by the way was responsible for the first ever gathering of this assembled organization, the regular spectators of this Wednesday gathering and a host of visiting spectators who had quite an interest in tonight’s gathering, given the widespread notoriety of the accused, namely.
Before the case proceeds any further, there is a disturbance as one of the alleged victims, Ugly Bum, enters the Dock and slapped a pair of Tits on the accused, shouting at the defendant ‘You would be a perfect girl, all you need are these.’
Ugly Bum was led away, with a squint of justice in her eyes, while Court Officials made no attempt to remove the Tits from the defendant. This caused the packed Court House to break into song, ‘He alright, he alright, he’s a little flat – chested but….’
Judge Wet N Wild then pointed out that there were a number of High Court Judges along as interested spectators, among them Forced Entry, Cock Radio, Virginia Slim, DIY and others.
The Judge then disciplined some naughty members of the crowd for breaking Wednesday protocol. Receiving the Lipstick punishment were Fat Crashing Bastard, Comes Quietly, Peeking Ong, Astronut, and Mr. Potato Head. As well as breaking protocol, Mr. Potato Head was perhaps guilty of breaking wind as he also received 1 stroke of the Judge’s whip – to the groin. Mr. Potato Head was then given an award for turning up to this Wednesday assembly 50 times, (and missing another 32 because of injury.)
A food adjournment is then called as the caterers, Cum Puss and Saliva, enter the Courtroom with Birthday Cakes for the accused.
An account is then given of the accused, Boo Mad Chinaman, latest episode.
On the night of the 24th of February, 2010, at 6pm, it is alleged that the accused sent the Pack off along a nice path, but decided this was too nice and it was soon off left into jungle. Walkers decided the path was too nice not to use, so they stayed on it and ended up in front of the FRB’s when they emerged from the jungle. The Defendant then had his victims scrambling into the bush again on the other side of the nice track. The walkers did not fall for this, and stayed on the nice path, once again ending up in front of the FRBs.
Molly, who found herself in an uncommon position, namely at the front of a pack with 120 runners behind her, came to a feature she had never encountered before – a Circle Check. ‘What do I do?’ she asked.
In the meantime, another group of walkers had to enter the jungle further on, and it being single file soon caused a big traffic jam with the FRB’s caught behind and no overtaking lanes. And this basically became the story of the run – reduced to a walk in dense jungle stuck behind walkers. This frayed some tempers, with Ad Naseum and Front Seat Wanker getting a special mention. It should be noted that Ad Naseum redeemed himself to be a Knight in Slightly Tarnished Armour, by dashing back to the Car Park to get a car and rescue a female visitor who had badly injured her ankle. As mentioned, lots of slow jungle, shiggy patches, log crossings, cursing and swearing, walking and lack of overtaking lanes, leading to further cursing and swearing. It should be pointed out that Comes Quietly did not help the frayed tempers by setting his own trail to the Japanese Temple by the water, thus leading 50 or so runners on a wild goose chase. Eventually, runners made it back, via a drink stop, in about 90 minutes.
Evidence from several witnesses was then called by the Prosecution.
First to take the Stand was Wet Pet, who informs us that it is accepted that there are no rules in this organisation. But tonight we had 2 nice gentlemen running who displayed helpful tendencies to some females in need. The 2 Marines from the US Essex are called in, are reminded that size doesn’t matter, they give the Judge a gift (not sure if this is some sort of bribe) and then are told to remove their shirts by the female spectators. This proved too much for Kamala who raced in and kissed their stomachs until she was led away by the Military Police.
Legoless is next on the Witness Stand and submits documentary evidence from the newspaper, proving that Gypsy and Mother Mary will be performing hits of yesteryear. Gypsy croons a song and then attempts to remove his shirt but is quickly led away by the Military Police and charged with impersonating, albeit very poorly, a US Marine.
Kamala, having been released by the MPs on condition that she not go with 10 metres of a US Marine with her tongue hanging out, enters the stand, resulting in a vast number of spectators adopting a comfortable lying position on the ground. She complains of always being out numbered by the Chinese, but tonight she has strength in numbers for the Indian contingency. Amongst others, she calls up Popeye, Olive Oil, Iron Crotch, Twin Towers, Vanda and a host of others, all Keen to give the Chinese a bit of curry. The crowd bursts into ‘1 little, 2 little, 3 little Indians…’ We are not a minority group!
Fat Crashing Bastard has a simple charge, possibly because he is a simple man. Wet Pet was obviously a little frisky before the run, as she asked FCB if he would like a little nibble before he runs.
Knobby Boy Scout heard Strapless describing to Dripping Wet the joys of nature he was observing on the run. As sun was setting, there in the sky he pointed out some flying cocks soaring across the twighlight sky. But Dripping Wet was not interested in flying cocks, she replied she wanted hard cocks. This immediately raised the heart beat of Maggot, and possibly other things.
Ugly Bum told how she observed etiquette to allow faster runners to pass. She was hoping that Loose Change was doing the same thing, but as Comes Quietly came past he told Ugly Bum not to worry as he had already disposed of Loose Change.
Ugly Bum also raises a matter of Court Protocol, claiming that the defendant who was recently having a bad day in court and was continually over ruled by the Judge, was finally called to approach the Judge. The Judge then informed Boo that correct Court etiquette is to politely say, ‘I object your Honor,’ and not to shout out ‘What the f*#k are you talking about, you dickhead.’
Twin Towers said she was running hard, which immediately brought a howl of objection from the crowd with ‘Bullshit, bullshit…’. After the Judge brings the Court to order, Twin Towers tells how she saw Sandy and Indecent Exposure returning by taxi tonight in preference to running.
This brought to a close the Prosecution case and Boo was asked if he would like a final chance to defend yourself. ‘Your Honour, I would like to ask for leniency on these charges. I have reached the age of 60 you know. Also tonight I provided a champagne drink stop and free T-Shirt.’ This brought nods of approval from the gallery. ‘Furthermore, I would like to say that tonight’s meal with Mr.Ho will be free.’ This brought murmurs of approval from the gallery. ‘And in summing up my defence, I would like to declare that there will buckets and buckets of beer, and it will be free!’ This brought howls and cheers from the crowd and there is total chaos as all the Singaporeans raced off to be first in the queue.
The Head Judge, Wet N Wild, then dismisses all charges against the defendant, who was presented with a framed photograph of himself, complete with Tits.
Case dismissed, Happy Birthday Boo!
Cock Radio, Court Scribe