Singapore Hash House Harriets

The ‘Camp’ Run.

Hares: Stiffener, Stiff

Where: Seletar Camp.

On On: On Site Boxer’s Singaporean Chicken Curry and fruit salad (served separately).

The Run:

With a threatening sky and a threatening pair of vicious terriers at their heels, a small but quality field of Hashers set of for a preliminary warm up loop of the estate before heading to the wilderness. Or what remains of it out that way. Oddly enough, it was Stiffler, son of the Hares, who led the way off. Was he keen to show off his local knowledge or does he just like wearing lipstick??

At the first sign of bush, a handful of males found themselves caught horribly out of position and also resigned to lipstick later on, including yours truly, who finds that a lamp post is no longer of sufficient circumference to hide behind.

Handbag decided that the graders and machines were not doing enough clearing of the forest and did a bit of bush bashing himself that any bulldozer operator would have been pleased with.

Over the TPE and into some nice jungle trails that suddenly ended in a recently cleared area that now resembled a bomb site. Anyone with dirty shoes could have them hosed off with the excavation trucks.

A lovely view of man’s monument to progress greeted runners from the top of a hill – a dozen cranes perched on top of new HDB’s going up. Much better than looking at crappy green jungle and nature stuff.

Down the steep incline and across the vast field, we knew we were on trail as the Hare kept with us. A tour of the Light Rail Station, and back into the bush, but one had to be careful of what side of the fence you were on. Across Jalan Kayu for a loop back to the TPE, into the Estate, to finish in 1 hour, just as the rain started. All good.

The Circle:

Crikey, so what did we think of that for a run? It was all good. Well done and thanks.

Tell us about your On On: Boxer’s Chicken Curry, Singapore style, with fruit salad. (Most people had the fruit salad separate, not sure about Vibrator).

Next week’s run: Harding Lane, Dempsey. Car Park behind St. George’s Church.

Visitors: 3 visitors – Stiffler, Trash, Malfunktion- and 1 pain in the asse – Vibrator.

Virgins: Nope.

Tits: Handbag has candidates in Cock Radio for being stupid enough to follow him on a bush bashing short cut, himself for being stupid enough to follow Stiffler into the bush when all he was doing was going for a pee stop, and Shoe Shopper for being stupid enough to use her toys the wrong way and declare Vibrator a pain in the ass. Shopper wins.

The GM charged Zipp for calling SS a Shoe Hopper, I think in reference to having only 1 thong. Better than a Hoe Hopper

Dick: Missing.

Lippy: Stiffler, of course, Hand Bag, Cock Radio, Vibrator. Hooray was belatedly brought in for bragging that he had got away with it.

Awards – Nope.

AOB:

· Kan Not Kan reminds the GM and Kan The Kobra of his past Valentines Run at Fort Canning where he hid paper stars at the checks for runners to search for and redeem for top quality champagne and chocolates. Shoe Shopper’s response to this romantic innovative effort was ‘I came here for a run, not a f#*king treasure hunt.’

· Mother’s Tongue had a quote from Shoe Shopper who claimed ‘2 is good but 3 is better.’

· Stiffy recalls a moment from Malfunktion and Phoney Dick’s Birthday Party last week at the British Club. Shoe Shopper happened to be in the ladies toilets, just as Francesca, the erotic dancer, was going through her warm up routine. On returning to her table, Shoe Shopper announced ‘That woman has such a gorgeous body, even I would shag her.’

· Not Tonight said that Zipp has even made some Hash Jewelery with the name of Shoe Hopper.

· Shaggy Dick Too overheard 2 Harriets in conversation – ‘How were your knees after the other night?’ The reply –‘Ok, but my bottom was sore.’ What were Tiger Lily and Posh Nash up too??

· Hooray wishes Malfunktion a happy 70th. He then complains about some fickle Harriets. Wet Brazilian, Tiger Lily and Big Head are normally all over him, but because tonight he did not bring any warm shower water they are not even speaking to him. Females, they are hot and cold huh.

· Hooray finishes by pointing out that Seletar is not a good hunting ground for Vibrator. Every time he comes here he loses a woman (try bringing some warm water mate).

· Stiffy informs us that our virgin from the other week, Jasmine, was medi vacced on the bike hash.

· Wet Brazilian points out that Stiffy acts so gung ho tough doing rugged bike hashes, but can’t handle a simple cold. Tonight ( he wanted to disinfect his car because she sneezed in it. Then he drove the rest of the way with the windows down to blow away any germs.

· Tiger Lily was in Tokyo recently and it was cold – coats and warm weather gear needed. While this is the so called ‘Winter’ season in Singapore, it is still 29 degrees and she reckons Trash wearing boots is just a bit over the top. Bet she didn’t have thermal underwear on though. Nothing wrong with a bit of Puss In Boots though.

· Stiff tells us why Hooray did not have hot water with him tonight, because he didn’t need it. All he did was run up and down Jalan Kayu a few times.

· Not Tonight then explains how Hooray warms the water up. Oh my, for that ‘He ought to be f#*king well pissed on, he ought to be ………’

· While Tiger Lily was in Tokyo, Kan Not Kan heard that the population in Japan is shrinking because they are not having sex. Apparently the women prefer to run in parks and the men can’t keep (it?) up.

· Shoe Shopper calls in the female Hare (does she want to shag her too?). Stiffener, with her husband still out setting trail, ran up to her before the run very excitedly and inquired quietly and discreetly where Camel Humper was.

· Shaggy Dick Too gives further confirmation for the dwindling Japanese population. It has got to the stage where 95% of Japanese men travelling fill out their immigration card with a ‘No’ response where it says sex.

· Tiger Lily is brought in by Malfunktion, who then proceeds to demonstrate how Japanese males claim that they can have sex 10 times in one night. It was a very visual charge, you really had to be there to understand it fully, but basically every thrust counted as 1 and so on all the way to 10.

· Vibrator charged Hooray, who managed to have his bag pissed on 2 times by the Hare’s dogs. And while took his charge, who did he have standing at his ankle? Yep, the little culprit terrier himself. ‘He ought to be F#*king well pissed on, ……’

· Stiff recalls that before the Circle, the Beer Wagon horn blasted several times, destroying the serenity and causing Trash, who was on her phone, to turn to everyone and tell them to be quiet so she could hear. The only thing was, she was actually sitting in the driver’s seat of the beer truck at the time, and was leaning on the horn not realizing it was her making all the noise.

· Hand Bag explains why Tiger Lily’s Japanese boy friend would keep on thrusting and stopping, thrusting and stopping……Apparently he got his sex education by watching internet streaming movies.

· Sybil commenced by telling how she has been standing there listening to all these stories about Japanese sex and their lack of sex skills. ‘Hopeless’ the Sex Goddess proclaimed. This is the shortened version, as the rest of the charge disintegrated into typical Kamala inscribable verbal non descripts garble.

· Vibrator has been trying to catch Tiger Lily for years, to ask if he can be her BF, I think he mentioned. Anyway, tonight he finally caught her and all he got out of it was lipstick.

· Wet Brazilian believes Zipp has a sex/marriage problem. Gypsy has been sitting out the back in the dark all night texting messages.

· Tiger Lily has had enough sex and changes the topic. She was running in the park the other morning, and there was a group of ISS students under the guidance of none other than teacher educator guru extraordinare, Shaggy Dick Too. She can’t work out what the purpose of his lesson was, because all they were doing were side to side movements that seemed to achieve very little but block her path.

· All night we have been told by Hash Brew, Zipp, to hold onto our down down cups so they can be refilled if we get another charge. This is good ‘Green Thinking,’ and the Hash doing our bit to save the Planet. However, Hooray observed that Hash Brew was filling the cups and then proceeding to drink the rest of the bottle herself.

· Don’t forget the Annual Robbie Burns Run next Sunday. Even if the run is crap, the whisky will be good.

Gong Xi Fa Cai.

On on on.

Scribed by Cock Radio.

A small boy says to his father “Dad, what’s the difference between ‘theoretically’ & realistically’?”
His dad thinks & then says “Right-ho son, go & ask your mother if she’d sleep with Wayne Rooney for a million quid.”
The boy toddles off & comes back saying “Dad, dad, she said she would! She would sleep with Wayne Rooney for a million pounds.”
“OK son,” says his dad. “Now go & ask your sister the same question.”
The boy toddles off & comes back saying “Dad, dad, she said she would too!”
So then his dad says “Right, son, now go & ask your brother if he’d sleep with Wayne Rooney for a million pounds.”
The son comes back excitedly saying “Dad! Dad! He said he would too!”

“Well there you have it, son,” said his dad. Theoretically we could be sitting on three million quid. Realistically we’re living with two tarts & a poof.”

The ‘Extremely Close to a National Park’ Run.

Hares: Mr. Potato Head

Where: Jalan Kampong Chantek.

On On: The Red Lantern.

The Run:

The Hare assured us that he had done all the necessary paperwork and had permits from National Parks, Urban Development Authority, Land Transport Authority, Police, Fire, Ambulance, Civil Defence, Singapore Post, Comfort Taxis and Mr. Wong, a Hawker, of Blk 326 Bukit Batok West.

The Hare also told us that we need to start on time, as it was a run of considerable length, 9.2 kms in fact. This would explain why Mr. Potato Head was carrying a back pack that contained a tent, cooking stove, torch, rations for 2 days, 1 tattered FHM magazine (with the centerfold missing), a toothbrush and one slightly shaggy teddy bear.

Having told us how it was such a long run and we needed to start pronto, The Hare then spent 5 minutes describing each dish of his 10 course On On menu.

With our taste buds tantalized by the description of a classic Red Lantern Feast, it was into the Durian Loop, out again onto Rifle Range Rd and down to the old railway line. Along the way, the GM had a chance to take the lead from Tiger Lily at a Check, but she ran straight ahead when the Trail was clearly marked to the left. She was timed as being the lead woman for exactly 1.25 seconds. Another highlight was one of the neatest and precise Circle Checks made from toilet paper ever seen. It was wrapped so tightly that it took 3minutes to break it, and then it was only with the aid of a chain saw.

The Hare then took us on a scenic tour of the Nature Reserve, lots of up and downs, giant steps, twists and turns and good Checks. One Check over near the South Hut really scattered the Pack. Big Head and Maggot managed to find trail eventually, but they were so far away that the rest of the runners could not hear their call of ‘On On.’

Out onto the pipeline, for what you would think would be a straight forward sprint up to the reservoir and home. However, Big Head and Maggot were so focused and pleased with themselves for shaking off the rest of the Pack that they failed to see paper leading back into the Nature Reserve along the Sengkang Track.

It was actually another 15 minute loop along the Sengkang Track, onto the bottom of Rifle Range Rd, and ending back through the Durian Loop. This caught Kan The Cobra by surprise, as believing trail came in the back way along the Reservoir where Big Head and Maggot returned, she had decided that the little bushy area at the entrance to the Durian Trail was a good place for a quiet shower.

The Circle: ‘What did we think of the Hare?’ asked the GM. A little short was the reply.

Crikey, so what did we think of that for a run? As for the run, it was good, could have been more hills though.

Tell us about your On On: Red Lantern, all the favourites.

Next week’s run: Seletar, Stiff and Stiffener

Visitors: In and Out, iPooh, Bagless, Jasmine, Impossible. Welcome all.

New Member: Tim-Tiny.

Virgins: Nope (Sunday Hash the place to see lots of them – scribe).

Tits: Handbag.

Dick: Missing.

Lippy: Herr Zipp, Hooray, Comes Quietly, Wet Patch.

Awards – Nope.

AOB:

· As usual, Ugly Bum is not happy with the Associate Members, but leaves them alone and attacks Kan The Kobra for picking a quiet shower area on the home trail. When Tiny Tim ran past, she squealed in delight, but not a sound was heard from her when the old farts ran past.

· In and Out thought Kan The Kobra was flashing at Tiny Tim, but she pleaded innocence on the grounds that she was too saggy and baggy.

· Not Tonight, who is shaping up as the next GM, charged Twin Towers for returning from the Run in a Mercedes Taxi. Furthermore, she was of such dubious character that the driver chased all the way after her as she ran to the car to get money for the fare.

· It all got too much for Ugly Bum, she decides to pay out on the Associate Members. After 10 minutes of chatting with Stiffy and In And Out post run, neither of them offered to stand and offer her their deck chair. Every man for himself I reckon.

· Cock Radio reckons Mr. Potato Head was suffering from constipation due to the cooler weather. The first Circle Check was the tightest ring you have ever seen – a perfect circle of the tightest packed paper you can imagine.

· Sybil pays out on the British Associate Members for not offering their seats for a female. Totally un British.

· Wet Brazilian then pays out on Sybil who had taken one look at the GM’s slightly short new hairstyle, commented something like ‘Ehhhhh, do something about your hair before next week’s run lah.’

· And Wet Brazilian is not finished yet. On arriving at a call of ‘Need a woman,’ from Ad Nauseum, who had broken a check, he said to her ‘I need a woman, not a boy.’ (nice one mate, he he- scribe)

· Speaking of ‘Need a woman,’ Maggot recalls how he called for one, the GM came racing up before Tiger Lily could arrive and then she ran straight ahead when paper was clearly marked 90 degrees to the right. This prompted Maggot to call for ‘Need a woman who can see.’ He then got Tiger Lily.

· The GM, under heavy artillery fire, decides the best form of defence is to launch a counter attack. Stiffy, observing Wet Brazilian trying to get her leg over a fallen leg, commented to her ‘You must have been at the end of the queue when they were handing out long legs.’

· In And Out, who has been in and out a lot tonight, reminisces how the Harriets use to be so great with all the gals wearing ‘F#*k me shoes.’ But now look, apart from the GM who has made an effort (but everyone is staring at her hairstyle instead of footwear) – we have Jasmine in a pair of smelly runners, Twin Towers in slippers, Not Tonight (next year’s GM) in a pair of rank colored Crocs.

· Sybil fires back at In And Out, claiming something about he wants to vote for the next Committee on the basis of their F*#k Me shoes. In And Out pleads the 5^th Amendment on the grounds that anything he says may be taken down and used in further charges against him.

· The GM launches yet another counter attack, and calls in all the males wearing non sexy shoes.

· Eagle Eyes Ugly Bum calls in Herr Zipp for trying to avoid the previous charge by removing his sandals and hiding them behind his back.

· Ugly Bum continues with a love story from her past, B.A.N. (Before Ad Nauseum). A young potential lover she met had everything – cash, condo, car, credit card, etc. However, he got the flick as he insisted on wearing his socks to bed. She was reminded of this somehow by Impossible wearing socks, and Geraldine and Sybil are dragged in too. Sock it to them babe!

· Herr Zipp defends the Associate Members by claiming Ugly Bum to be the most irritating factor on the Hash for males, followed by ball rash, nipple rash and running out of beer.

· Herr Zipp continues by stating that Sybil use to be the most irritating factor for everyone on the Hash, (after Boo) with everyone having to sit down in the Circle while she completed her charge. However, he states that we now have a new Sybil – Ugly Bum!

On on on.

Scribed by Cock Radio.

Birthday Run

Hares: Deep Throat, Malfunktion, Ugly Bum & Ad Nauseum

Where: Dairy Farm Road Car Park B

On On: On site, Cottage Pies & Veggies by Malfunktion

The Circle

What did we think about the run? Yes, a good run.

Tell us about your On On: On site: Cottage Pies & Veggies by Malfunktion.

Next week’s run: Mr Potato Head @ Jalan Kampong Chantek. On On at Red Lantern.

Visitors: Philippa, Knickerless, CunniLicker, Chicken Shit, Strapless, Bagless 2, Nutcracker & Woodbridge.

Virgins: None.

New Members: Herr Zip & Public Zip. Welcome back!

Lipstick: Bagless 2, Mr Potato Head and special virgin lipstick for Hooray.

Dick: Stiffy to Loose Change for doing a head plunge on the run. She needs a crash helmet!

Tits: Tits are in Ugly Bum’s car but belong to King Lear. On behalf of King Lear, Ugly Bum gave it to HandBag for saying that the reason why Loose Change did the head plunge is because she is top heavy !

GM Charge: Did the GM give an award last week? Best looking who? Gypsy apparently put it in the newsletter but the GM didn’t give that award away! [Ed: good to know that at least the GM reads the newsletter].

AOB:

· Wet Pet to Stiffy for leading her other half astray last week! Or was it went astray with Stiffy??

· Not Tonight to Fat Crashing Bastard (one of Stiffy’s boyfriends). He was heard asking Stiffy what was happening to his cigarette lighter, it kept popping up!

· Ugly Bum to Fat Crashing Bastard, Stiffy and Virginia Slim who stood next to her and discussed how their willies got out of hand.

· HandBag to Virginia Slim: HandBag rang Deep Throat about the on-on and was really looking forward to the Cottage Pies until he arrived at the run site and saw Virginia Slim ‘s body…it turned him off!

· HandBag to Stiffy: for Bullshitting, for blaming the hares….etc…

· Stiffy to Nut Cracker and Woodbridge for arguing whether it was cottage pie we were having or Scottish Pie for the on on.

· Herr Zip to Strapless & Zipp for getting the wrong holiday???

· Deep Throat to CunniLicker : A carry on charge for his forgetfulness on New Year’s eve. He forgot to zip up!

· Jack off to Malfunktion and CunniLicker for being lookalike….was it the colour of their hair or their T-shirt??

· GM to Malfunktion the missing hare on the run!

· GM to Philippa : When asked why she brought had a pair of binoculars on the run. She answered that had it so that she will can run in front of everyone!

On on on.

Scribed by Deep Throat.

The Real Blackmore Drive Run

Hares: Shoe Shopper & Wet Patch

Where: Blackmore Drive

On On: Red Lantern

The Circle (7:53pm): The Wet Brazilian called the circle to order but we had to wait for Slocum to walk up the road.

The Circle really starts (7:56pm): “Hares front & center, please” Wet Patch and Shoe Shopper admitted to setting the run and looked mildly surprised when everyone said it was a good run. A well laid trail, with a nice run-in, was much appreciated. The highlight seemed to be the fact that Tiger Lily did the run so fast that only a very few people ever saw her. She arrived late, finished first, road her bike home and showered before the second runner finished.

Tell us about your On On (7:58pm): (It took some extra time because the Wet Brazilian had to be reminded what came next). Red Lantern aka Torture Restaurant (or Fortune Restaurant or something like that). $10.

Next week’s run (8:00pm): The Wet Brazilian put on her reading glasses to find the names of next weeks hares and that caused all kinds of problems as she then could not see any in attendance. Deep Throat, Malfunktion, Ad Nauseum and Ugly Bum are setting the run from Dairy Farm Road, Car Park B at the toilets.

Harriet Virgin (8:02pm): May Day time travelled from Thursday to attend. Sybil seemed particularly happy and for some reason, Shoe Shopper knew that MD liked to come a lot.

Returnees (8:03pm): A whole gaggle of old farts retuned including Malfunktion, Pubic Zipp, Herr Zipp, Woodbridge, In & Out and King Lear. Welcome back all.

Visitors (8:04pm): Nutcracker, Circle Jerk and Bagless II (the good one) all got a drink. Welcome all.

Virgins (8:06pm): Not a single new nubile piece of fresh meat to be had.

Lipstick (still 8:06pm): Maggot, Hooray, May Day, Circle Jerk, Bagless II (the fast one) and Circle Jerk all got a touch of the rouge because of an infraction or two on the run. Some were complaining of an unfair charge that later got explained.

Tits (8:08pm): Jack Off had hold of the Dick but ceded the floor to Stiffy’s Tits charge, citing that the Harriets always let the ladies go first. Stiffy called in King Lear for being silly enough to have minor surgery on Christmas Eve, only to be told AFTER the op that he was not allowed to consume alcohol for three days. There goes the Christmas spirit.

Dick (8:10pm): Slocum had two nominations to take the Dick with Fat Crashing Bastard called in first. Apparently he was more than entertained by the many references to The Wet Brazilian’s new, multi-hued hairstyle. Not Tonight got the Dick though because She reminded Slocum of the age old mystery “Why do woman always want men to go further than the men are comfortable with”. I think it referred to checking a little further but it could just be a commitment thing.

Awards (8:10am): Gypsy got a drink in recognition that once again, for the 21^st year in a row, he was unanimously voted and the most appreciated, best looking and most intelligent hasher in Singapore.

AOB:

• (8:12pm) Stiffy called in Zipp and Too Easy to raise a trivia question: What do these ladies have in common? Fat Crashing Bastard knew the answer was not only the same shirt (SNAP!) but also both have big boobs and he also noted that the ladies seemed to celebrate their sameness by giving each other a “booby high ten”.
• (8:13pm) In & Out showed off his iPad and new car which turned out to be a Renault and Ford joint venture car. The car, a hybrid of the Clio and Taurus, or CliTaurus had some built in oddities for marketing to women. As best I can recall, it comes in pink and the average male won’t be able to find it, even if someone tells him where it is. And even if he did find it, he wouldn’t know how to service it. It seems like a logical marketing move except most women have never seen one. I guess the CliTaurus will be sold by feel and always be somewhere near the Volvo. One existing issue is that as the car gets older, the boot seems to get bigger and bigger and the engine constantly needs to be re-lubed. In & Out suggested leasing a new car each year rather than getting saddled for one for a longer period as they are very expensive to service and deregistering one after a long ownership comes with severe financial penalties. He also reminded people that if they rent the CliTaurus, they should avoid the rental agencies in Geylang as those cars are not certified safe. Also, never, ever – and I mean NEVER buy a used model – it’s just inheriting someone else’s problems. In & Out charged himself for daring to make this public service announcement.
• (8:17pm) Fat Crashing Bastard was walking the home trail with Slocum when Slocum asked if they should be breaking the checks. FCB charged him with having delusions of grandeur.
• (8:18pm) Too Easy called in the hares, Wet Patch & Shoe Shopper, because they suggested to her that she go down as quickly as possible. FCB asked that she start soon but then take her time.
• (8:20pm) The Wet Brazilian called in Ad Nauseum’s look-a-like, Bagless II (the old one). Apparently Ad Nauseum found a check and called for a woman. When he saw the confusion on the other hashers’ faces, he asked if the person in the front (The Wet Brazilian) was a man or a woman. She had to stop running, turn back to smack him and thus caused several front running men to be thrust into the lipstick zone.
• (8:21pm) Malfunktion called in Fat Crashing Bastard because he caught up to them on the trail, only to hear for the 100^th run in a row, that they were talking about Formula One race cars. Get your minds out of the gutter boys!
• (8:23pm) Zipp called in May Day, Circle Jerk, Wet Patch and Malfunktion for helping to move the circle to a safer place.
• (8:24pm) Stiffy called in May Day for not really volunteering for the previous good deed. He apparently was seduced into it by Sybil but May Day figured that he paid his dues, just in a different way from the other guys.
• (8:26pm) The Wet Brazilian called in Father Anus for being like a seagull. He swooped in, squawking up a storm, causing massive disruption just to eat, poop and leave. Father Anus tried desperately to get out of the charge by flattery but it didn’t work.
• (8:27pm) The Wet Brazilian further called in Jack Off for dirty dancing to the Horse’s Ass song so Jack Off gave everyone a demonstration.

(8:30pm) With the stand-in scribe getting cramps in his hand, the GM took pity and thankfully called for a move to the on on.

On on on.

Scribed by Gypsy.

The ‘Just a Short Trot in the Virgin’ Run

Hare: Tiger Lily

Where: Bukit Gombak Stadium.

On On: Blooie’s Railway Mall

The Circle: The GM called the circle to order at 2005 hrs & invited the sole Hare in.

Crikey, so what did we think of that for a run? The run was announced beforehand by TL as an 8km runner’s run (what else were we expecting from the female Billy Whizz?). It turned out to be more like 9.5km. Still after a bit of well deserved abuse & sarcastic cries of ‘too short’ it was deemed a good run.

Tell us about your On On: On on at Bluey’s at Rail Mall.

Next week’s run: Next in Comes Quietly to announce Shoe Shopper & Wet Patch next run at Blackmore Drive. Let’s hope it’s only 8km!

Visitors / Returnees: Returnees & Guests got a bit mixed up by the GM, but that’s only to be expected from a woman who cannot make up her mind what colour her hair is (more later). So this mixed bunch was, Nutcracker, Welsh Git, Woodbridge, Strap On and Mouthful. Here’s to….

Virgins: Nope

The circle was next interrupted by a bus which wanted to drive right through us but Stiffy remonstrated that the driver was disobeying a no entry sign & he duly turned right almost wiping out 4 hash cars. Good one Stiffy!

Tits: Loose Change is in with tits borrowed from Cock Radio (now that’s a troubling mental picture). Turns out CR said she must give them to Stiffy. He is not happy about it & instead starts to abuse the GM and calling her badger head (note for next week GM he also said to me on the run that he had seen better looking badgers).

The GM quickly gets Jack Off for further GM hair abuse by saying that the GM looked like Saliva. Jack Off…You’re the meanest. And remember Stiffy, the GM is always right.

Dick: on holidays in the UK with Stiff?

Awards – nope.

Lippy: The GM forgot the lipstick AGAIN & had to race off to her car.

AOB Part 1 (while the GM is off getting her lippy on):

· Not tonight & Slowcum were walking together when Slocum was heard to say ‘I guess we’re going up the backside’. So that’s why you are walking like that!

· Visitor Strap On brought all the trail wetters in for marking their territory.

· TL calls in Hooray for complaining, being boring & short cutting. Tell it like it is eh Tiger?

Lippy: The GM is back with lipstick & Hooray (of course), Gypsy & Stephanne look alike Comes Quietly all get the treatment, though I could not quite see what CQ was doing but the GM told him to stop being so rude.

AOB Part 2:

· Gypsy was called in by the GM for A) Nominating Handbag for scribe duties but also B) Getting my name wrong & calling me Handjob. What a Bars#$$d.

· It must be time to put the boot into Handbag (now you English teachers will have a name for an expression like that) as Tiger Lily is complaining about my tone deaf singing putting her off her note.

· The singing was poor. I was just trying to make some noise. So time for revenge on TL so I call her in to talk about the run. It was commented that TL did not come directly back to the runsite (choosing to go home & shower first) because she thought it best to let the exhausted hashers calm down & relax with a few beers before they vented their spleen on her. I did comment to a couple of people I passed going up the staircase to the top of Lorong Sesuai that the woman was a complete sadist. She’s the meanest.

· The GM has Hooray in and says he only gave her shower water because TL had gone home to shower. Yes, he’s the meanest.

· There was more talk of Badgers & Snow Whites, but somebody commented ‘at least they have hair’, to which Gypsy piped up, ‘that’s not funny’.

· CQ has TL in for telling the pack when they had missed a well marked right turn ‘come on guys, can’t you see the trail?’. Japanese sarcasm at its best!

· Strap On calls in the GM for some charge to which Stiffy comments, ‘stop badgering the GM’.

· The GM gets Welsh Git in to sing us a Christmas Carol, Stiffy joins him & suggests ‘Watership Down’. Question? Since when did a song about rabbits dying from myxametosis become a Christmas Carol Stiffy? Luckily we got ‘O come all ye faithful’ instead.

· Handbag had visiting German pervert Strap On in for Frankfurt airport duty free having a sex shop

· then Zipp confessed to giving CQ the GM’s champagne by mistake as a down down, and when CQ complained she told him not to tell her!’ Another ‘O come all ye faithful’.

· Jack Off was hauled in by the GM for trying to end the circle by calling onon, and with a stirring rendition of ‘We wish you a merry Christmas’ the GM called onon.

Circle closed at 2040 hours.

On on on.

Scribed by Handbag.

The ‘Don’t incur the wrath of a colleague’ Run

Hare: Shaggy Dick Too

Where: Blackmore Drive Old Turf City.

On On: Curry Garden

The Circle:

Crikey, so what did we think of that for a run? Not recorded, so it must have been run of the year???

Tell us about your On On: Curry Garden.

Next week’s run: Bukit Gombak stadium car park, in virgin territory according to Tiger Lily.

Visitors / Returnees: Bagless 2, Welsh Geek (Wet Pet as stand in as Welsh Geek headed off to play rugby??), Stiff, Suck Swallow.

Virgins: Nope

Tits: MIA, still with Cock Radio (until the new year we suspect).

Dick: 3 candidates : Wet Pet, Father Anus and Stiff. Deep Throat passed on the dick to Stiff for saying that his wife is almost 60 but he still can’t control her.

Lippy: Shaggy Dick Too, Ad Nauseum and Comes Quietly.

Awards – nope.

AOB:

· Wet Pet to Shaggy and Not Tonight for whatever it was about…they just deserve a drink apparently!

· Hooray to Shaggy Dick for giving the wrong run site details to the Beer Man…poor Ah Wah went to Blackmoore Drive!

· Suck Swallow to Shaggy Dick for trying to hijack the Sunday Hash’s upcoming runsite!

· Wet Brazilian to Gypsy for sitting in the circle.

· Wet Brazilian to the hares for setting the run where there is a hornet nest.

· Tiger Lily to Gypsy & Zip for that “Hairy Hand that caste a spell on her as she pass them ..” Her bike to break down!

· Shaggy Dick to all the Monday Hashers for putting hashing at risk.

· Not tonight to : To those who have been to California… Gypsy and Hooray …apparently the law there will put those who drink and drive in jail and they have to pay for their time in it..

On on on.

Scribed by Deep Throat.

The Run:

According to Cock Radio:

The Car Park was in good condition – firm, no shiggy and well marked. Good run.

According to Sneaky Comer:

Kan Not Kan arrived back at the run site just before 6pm. A somewhat positive sign given that last Friday’s run was apparently 1:40 for the FRB’s. Head out along Jurong Road, he reported, trail starts near the bus stop. Somehow Posh Nash interpreted this as check the bus stop down by the car park, but she was soon put right and off we headed. Into track 10 12 14 16 18 20 22 not sure we headed, all was going well and we were on trail, until (perhaps) the stream crossing. At this point it all went to custard when we picked up trail, although possibly not tonight’s trail. Explaining what had happened later to KNK, we were told no, that’s not where the trail went. Oh well. Anyway, happily following trail we found our way to up near the soldier’s camp and trail disappeared. We spent 10 minutes wandering around aimlessly, at which point the pack broke up into 7 groups. Mr Potato Head checked for 3 miles in every direction and finally declared he was doing his own run. Boo and much of the pack headed over towards Bukit Batok Road. Posh Nash, Stiff, myself, a visitor or two headed back towards Jurong Road and found trail about 500m later. Well marked trail. Using the famous invisible red and white plastic tape favoured by KNK. So off we went. All looked good. We followed and followed little loops, muddy patches under umbrella leaf, through stream, over path. And this lead us nicely back past the original out trail. Which sadly we didn’t notice until we had run well past it. So we retraced our steps, headed in the out trail, and on home just on the hour. Nice run. Even if it was a combination of Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday trail.

The Circle: ‘Hare in the Circle,’ was the request, but it was suggested that the word ‘Hare’ was a misnomer as there was no trail.

Crikey, so what did we think of that for a run? ‘What did we think of the run?’ The reply was ‘What run?’ The Hare was told he could set that run again and no one would know. I think it was decided that it could have been a good run.

Tell us about your On On: Paradise Seafood Restaurant aka The Greasy Spoon. $12.

Next week’s run: Blackmore Drive, Shaggy Dick Too.

Visitors / Returnees: Totally Unacceptable, Vibrator, Stiff, Two Arse, WTF is Christine, Burning Sensation from New Jersey, Fawlty Towers, Last Minute Dot Com. Welcome all.

Virgins: Nope

Tits: Cock Radio has lost misplaced them. Not often I can’t get my hands on a pair of tits.

Dick: The Asia Blonde, Tiger Lily, still has it.

Lippy: No lippy, so a spanking is called for instead. Vibrator, who complains how can he get caught in front if there was no trail? A good point, but he gets a spanking anyway. Shaggy Dick Too tries to sneak in for a spanking too.

Awards – Open To The Floor – 50 runs. Now F#*k off.

AOB:

· Stiffy reminds us that the European Common Market is in trouble, but is the Spanish Government going too far in budget cuts. Schools will only be given 25 metres of toilet paper per student for the year. They have also taken curry off their canteen menu. Will the Spanish Hash follow suit? Open To The Floor takes the charge in place of the absent Spanish GM.

· Shaggy Dick Too, in breaking news, tells us that an Australian has been sentenced to a whipping in Saudi Arabia for blasphemy. And how many lashes of the cane would be appropriate? 10? No. 20? No. 50? No. Surely not 100? No. 500 lashes will do the job. Cock Radio is charged as the Aussie blasphemer. But all I said was ‘this meal is fit for Jehovah.’ See, he said it again says SD2! Jehovah, Jehovah!

· Cock Radio then informs us that the above mentioned person destined for 500 lashes was not your usual everyday Aussie yobo, but was actually a shite sh’ite Muslim on a pilgrimage to Mecca. So Kan The Kobra was charged for being a dumb Muslim blonde for not knowing better.

· Wet N Wild reaffirms that there is a major world crisis taking place right now – The Hash has no wine tonight. And the biggest whiner of all, Stiffy, is charged for forgetting to bring the wine.

· Seletar Hash are holding a New Year D&D. They certainly won’t be without beer or wine. See Virginia Slim for details.

· Wet N Wild calls in the Marathon Runners. Shaggy Dick Too, Maggot (look alike Stiffy) Tiger Lily (look alike visitor, despite Not Tonight insisting she would be Tiger) Comes Quietly (look alike Mr. Potato Head) and Wet Brazilian (look alike Not Tonight). Well done all.

· At this stage, with such a small Circle, the charges dried up and Wet N Wild was about to bring it to a close. But it was way too early, and the emergency fund of charges was brought out to the rescue.

· Cock Radio was sound asleep on Monday night, only to be woken by a missed call on my phone at 12.45am. Looking at the display, I saw it was from Shaggy Dick Too. Fearing that he had fallen out of bed and dislocated his shoulder, or stumbled into a drain on the way home from the Sunset Way Coffee Shop, again, I immediately rang him back to check on his safety.

When he answered, he replied that he had received a missed call from me, and had rung me to check on my health and safety! It did not matter to him that the missed call from me was actually made at noon on Sunday. Here’s to the caring friends!

· Not Tonight gave Open To The Floor a farewell charge. A half –hearted attempt at ‘She’s Leaving on a Jet Plane,’ disintegrated, and was quickly transformed into an enthusiastic version of ‘F#*k off you C@#t.’

· Sneaky Comer remembers one night when he was flying out of Singapore, Open To The Floor made him drink. As Open To The Floor is flying out later tonight, he gets revenge and brings her in for another drink.

· Kan Not Kan reckons it is a pretty stupid thing to do – coming to one of his runs when you are flying out later on. Open To The Floor back in for another drink.

· And why didn’t Vibrator help KNK set the run as he had promised? He was too bust helping Open To The Floor pack her knickers. Word is he even tried to pack the pair she was wearing.

· Of course, former committee members need to be recognized when they leave Singapore. Back in Open To The Floor, ex committee member. Thank you.

· Sneaky Comer is sick of his computer showing up a squiggly line under a certain Hasher’s name every time he receives the run report from the scribe for mailing out. Ok, I get confused. Is it Kan Not Can, Can Not Kan, Can Not Can, Kan Not Kan, Kan Kan, Cannot Kan??? How about if I just call him ‘The tall Scottish git,’ to make it easier.

· Stiffy says there has been a mistake – we were trying to get rid of Vibrator, not Open To The Floor. Open To The Floor gets another drink as an apology!

· Cock Radio and others enjoyed a belated surprise 50^th Birthday for Sneaky Comer last Sunday. But Sneaky did not look to surprised when the guests turned up – did he know we were coming to his surprise party?? Seems that several weeks ago he heard his wife on the computer in the next room yelling out ‘F#*k,’ ‘F#*k,’ ‘F#*k,’ ‘F#*k,’ ‘F#*k,’ before calling him for assistance. She had been trying to mail out invitations to the party, but had trouble copying addresses from the Harriet’s mailing list. Before she called in her IT expert husband, she thoughtfully minimized the invitation so as he would not know what she was up to. However, the minimized document at the bottom of the screen was titled ‘Tony’s surprise birthday.’ If that was not enough of a clue, she also sent the invitations on the Harriet’s On Sec address, which Sneaky also accesses and to which we all replied we would be coming. So not only did Sneaky Comer set up the mail out for his own surprise party, but he received the replies as well. ‘SURPRISE!’ Don’t worry Wet N Wild, it’s the thought that counts!

· Wet N Wild surprised her work colleagues by holding the ‘Surprise’ Party at the same restaurant that her work were having their end of year bash. Selected colleagues were allowed into our private room, while the majority were told to f#*k off out the back with the riff raff.

· Shaggy Dick Too tries to get Stiffener on a ‘no hash gear’ charge, but fails. However, he has more success with a female visitor, Burning Sensation, and Open To The Floor, who is in her ‘Flying out’ clothes and cops another drink.

· Cock Radio has Open To The Floor back in. After losing her way in the car park at last week’s run, how was she going to cope with such a large country as Ghana? Will she get out of the airport? At this rate, will she make it to the airport?

· Shaggy Dick Too has just had a breaking news newsflash 12 hours from now – ‘lady thrown off plane drunk.’ Open To The Floor back in for another drink. Cock Radio offers her a seat.

· Kan Not Kan then asks Open to The Floor why she is going to Ghana – who gambles there? At this stage, a taxi pulls up – is it Open to The Floor’s? No, it was a big truck with green lights over cabin looking for a park.

· The big truck was closely followed by Boxer, turning up with a farewell cake for Open To The Floor. While the cake was cut, the charges continued fast and furious, I could not keep up with scribing as I think I was involved in a few of them.

Anyway, things all got a bit emotional for Open To The Floor and we finally adjourned to the Greasy Spoon.

And on that note, it’s on on on. See you mid January, off to OZ for 3 weeks. Merry Christmas everyone and safe running.

Scribed by Cock Radio, with additional run report by Sneaky Comer.

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple’s house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, ‘Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great… I would recommend it very highly.’
The other man said, ‘What is the name of the restaurant?’
The first man thought and thought and finally said, ‘What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know… The one that’s red and has thorns.’
‘Do you mean a rose?’
‘Yes, that’s the one,’ replied the man.
He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, ‘Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?’

The ‘Real Dairy Farm Road’ Run.

Hares: Not Good Enough & Give Way. Stiffy & Not Tonight

Where: Dairy Farm Rd.Pepys Rd, top car park Car Park A C,D,E,F,G, M,P,R B

On On: Thai food – Isan Karus Indian food

The Run:

According to Cock Radio:

Was this run going to be good enough or Not Good Enough? This was going to be Stiffy’s Birthday and St Andrew’s Day Run – why did he Give Way to the Hares? These were the questions on everyone’s lips. Well, mine anyway.

The Runners headed out of the car park at the toilet block end and came back from the Upper Bukit Timah Rd end of the car park. Some got back late, some very late, and others ridiculously late. Some also smelt not so nice. Some also got straight in their car and drove home. Watching Vibrator and Open To The Floor arrive late and not able to find their way out of the car park was also a bonus. As I managed to fit in 2 and a half beers for the whole run, it got my approval. Well done Hares, thank you.

According to Croc Hunter: This is his favourite run site, he told me – nice scenery, no monkeys, nice toilets, free car park and no one to complain about us. Could be some crocs in there too.

According to Maggot:

With Sneaky absent, and the growth under Cock Radio’s foot AWOL, I was asked to pen a few words for the trail at Dairy Farm Road Car Park A, Pepys’s Rd, Dairy Farm Road Car Park A, Dairy Farm Road Car Park D, E, F, G M, R, B.

After arriving 10 15 minutes late after going to all the above Car Parks, the only people around were Cock Radio and Fat Crashing Bastard, neither who looked like they were in a hurry to sprint off and catch the pack and Vibrator and Open To The Floor, who were running in circles around the toilet block looking for trail after a 10 minute start.

The Pack headed up the road for the obligatory T-check left and then another which was washed out. The 1^st I saw of them were the walkers coming back, with the runners behind trying to get past at the old house.

We found trail back up on the hill and then continued up the steps. JackOff The First, 1^st there, decided if she had to go up, so did everyone else, so the FRB’s hid around the corner. Tiger Lily finally turned up, so we all sent her past the T-check down another trail (she wouldn’t have seen the T-check anyway!!).

Past the Visitor Centre, one of the hares (with a torch shining!) advised the run went along the railway line then back into the jungle (and it may get a “bit” dark – was his torch already glowing a hint?). Some good checks and trail had the FRB’s that could see in the dark back in 75 minutes for a 7+ km run.

Good run Hares but a bit “ambitious” for this time of year.

The Circle: A tired but lively group, having first watched a car full of Harriets decide it was too wet again and drive off home again for a hot shower, assembled under cleared skies (sort of same as last week).

Crikey, so what did we think of that for a run? Too far from Pepys Dairy Farm Rd, too much National Park, too much Giving Way. A domestic dispute between the Hares at the start of the run was entertaining, and novel use of plastic HHH signs to guide us (could you install a light on them?) And a nice touch for the Hares to give Shaggy Dick Too half a roll of soggy toilet paper for his dodgy tummy. A Not Good Enough Run, well done. It is good to have people with ambition.

Tell us about your On On: Karus, curry tucker. A less than 1 second count of hands somehow came up with 15 takers.

Next week’s run: The Greasy Spoon, Bukit Batok Heavy Vehicle Car Park. Kan Not Kan. Check the website, as usual (don’t rely on it – Web Master had a big weekend).

Visitors / Returnees: Forgot to get the list ! Maybe Bagless Too, Trevor, Stiff, Totally Unacceptable, Vibrator and a few others possibly. Welcome all.

Virgins: Changing of run sites too confusing for virgins. Just Not Good Enough.

Tits: Not Good Enough has a fine pair, and charges all the people that went to car park A instead of Car Park B, when the web site clearly said Car Park B, or A, C, D or E. Do we have to spell it out to you – Totally Unacceptable, Stiffy, KNC, Kamala, visitors and others.

But Not Good Enough had entrusted Cock Radio to perform an important task. As I was not running, he gave me Give Way’s phone number so I would call her and say who the last runners to leave the car park are so she could start sweeping and picking up the trail. I carefully inputted the number into the phone book of my $49.99 Nokia, and when Vibrator and Open To The Floor finally found their way out of the Car Park, I dutifully went to ring Give Way, only to find her name and number had vanished from my phone and disappeared into cyberspace. If anyone finds it, please return it to me. In the meantime, I will take the Tits. (Shoe Shopper, did I leave them in your car – are they ok?).

Oh yeah, Shaggy Dick Too got an honorable mention too for spending 20 minutes telling Not Good Enough about his dicky knee.

Dick: Give Way has a Dick in a Bag, despite the presence of Bagless Too. Tiger Lily is asked a question. ‘What do you when you are running but there is no paper?’ Tiger Lily’s response: ‘Keep running?’. No Tiger, you turn around and go back. The Asian blonde gets the Dick Head award.

Lippy: Vibrator. Good choice.

Awards – nope

AOB:

· Not Good Enough thanked Stiffy for graciously Giving Way tonight and setting his carefully planned for 6 months run last week instead of tonight! That was so Not Good Enough of you.

· Not Good Enough then charged Vibrator and Open To The Floor for being such a fit young couple, capable of any physical challenge that the Hash can throw at them. Yet on a recent holiday on a little stroll through the hills of Nepal, they found themselves unable to make the return trek and had to be air lifted out. Now fair dinkum, we have had Hashers give up and take a taxi back, (90% of runners on Hoorays infamous Little India run 2 years ago), Boo has done many a rescue mission for Kamala, Dances With Kerbs et al at places like the helicopter landing clearing off Chestnut. Even your scribe lost his way back to the run site on a KNK disaster on Bukit Timah Rd, but that only cost me a $20 taxi fare. But we have never, ever, had an air lift out of a tricky situation. They ought to be publicly air evacuated, they…..

· Fat Crashing Bastard did a little internet research on the secret life of teachers and came up with interesting facts of guess who? Not a biology or French teacher, but someone who studies snakes in his garden. (Rules out all ISS teachers who are paid such a shit salary that some even have to live in HDB in remote outposts such as Sembawang – Mighty Maps pg 875, Y 9). You actually have a garden? You lucky, lucky bastard. Then put up with the snakes, because they eat the rats and cockroaches that we paupers in high rise have to cope with. What we would do to have a snake in our garden. Revenge of the snakes, look out you garden lovers.

· Stiffy has a guess who? Recently married, stupidly paid a daughters’ air fare over to do a wedding speech and disclose family secrets, did not plan a honeymoon and instead booked himself into a private room for himself, without his new wife, for 3 days in a brand new hospital surrounded by lovely young female nurses and claims it all on his work’s insurance. His new wife said she had a lovely 3 day break without him.

· Maggot rubs it in a bit more, so to speak, and on visiting me in my honeymoon suite, not to see how I was but because he just happened to be in the Yishun area, (after I had msg him about the cute nurses only 15 minutes before) commented that the complimentary soaps and shampoos were so classy that I saved them and I’m giving them to my new wife as a Christmas present. How dare you think that! (Does anyone have a small bit of spare Christmas wrapping paper – small bottle size?) And as an ISS fee paying parent, he is happy to see the teachers getting their Christmas presents this way.

· Fat Crashing Bastard has a Star wars charge on Stiffy, labelling him R2D2 and Awby Wank Kanobie for his light stick not working. Place ‘er’ onto the end of the middle part of the Awby Kanobie name and you got it!

· Not Good Enough has a technical charge on Stiffy and it involved my lack of technical expertise. Point taken, but I have lost the point of the point I am taking.

· Kan Not Kan, with a totally pickled brain more than usual due to St. Andrew Day celebrations, gets the Hares in, as well as Vibrator and Croc Hunter, mixes them all together and blames them for him ending at Car Park S, the Heavy Vehicle Car Park across the road. After him spending 30 minutes trying Car Parks A – R.

· Cock Radio gave Vibrator and Open To The Floor for arriving late and not finding their way out of the Car Park after 5 minutes of trying.

· Shaggy Dick Too charged Stiffy for his Scottish ‘Jimmy’ look. He looks the part! ( He was so confident he wore his Jimmy hat to Friday Scottish Run, joined the Hares in the Circle for 5 minutes before being discovered as an English impostor and forcibly removed. Could this be the start of Hadrian’s Wall at the Hash?)

· A scandalous charge next, from SD2, who wanted to charge Vibrator for not only did he not have a Hash shirt for the Circle, he had no shirt at all, and despite being totally bare chested, he still wanted to question Shaggy about the authenticity of his shirt. Don’t dig a deeper hole for yourself Vibrator!

· Jimmy Stiffy charges/congratulates the Scots for their National Patron Day, and in come the Scots, led by KNK, and somehow Father Anus ended up as a Highlander.

· Vibrator lamented that Touch Rugby was cancelled, and Welsh Git was mentioned as a loud culprit.

· Suck Swallow had a hair cut or wax charge for Stiffy. A Jimmy charge no doubt.

· Scribe note here – you may by this stage think that the charges are getting less detailed. Correct. I am struggling on Monday night to read my nights notes after celebrating the Sex Web Master’s 50^th yesterday. I would not rust trust the web map this week either. However, I assure you that the truth has not got in the way of anything in this report. As usual. Hiccup. Burp. Belch.

· Tiger Lily charged the GM and SD2 involving a kid poster’s charge on the wall of her work for the Standard Chartered, so SD2 told her he was running the full marathon and asked her if she was running the marathon and the GM replied no, she was having a sleep in. You’re kidding us!

· KNK advertised the Lion City St Andrew’s Day Run, malt whisky etc. (PS – after the event, it was voted a Scottish Hash Shit, 1 hour 50 minutes, shiggy prickly dark jungle. But the single malt was good though. Oh and a great shirt. Ai ya, the Scottish eggs were fantastic and the home made chocolate sweets. Actually a bloody good rum run when I think about it. Up ye kilts bonny Scots).

· Not Tonight then rounds off the night with a stirring throatal rendition of Scotland The Brave. Brought tears to my eyes, especially the high notes.

And on that note, it’s on on on.

Scribed by Cock Radio, with additional run reports by Croc Hunter and Maggot.

An elderly gentleman…
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years.. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, ‘Your hearing is perfect.. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.’
The gentleman replied, ‘Oh, I haven’t told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!’

The ‘Why Did I Ever Say Yes To This,’ Run.

Hares: Not Good Enough & Give Way. Stiffy & Not Tonight

Where: Dairy Farm Rd.Pepys Rd, top car park

On On: Thai food – Isan

The Run:

According to Cock Radio:

The Runners headed out of the car park and up the hill towards Kent Ridge Park. Two beers later, runners came back up the hill and into the car park from the opposite direction, smelling less desirable than when they set off. The highlight to me was the uphill start as well as uphill finish. As I managed to stay dry under the Carlsberg umbrella for the whole run, it got my approval. Well done Hares, thank you.

According to Sneaky Comer:

Having not seen paper on the drive up Pepys Road, I concluded that on must be up the hill to the top, as it was. A couple of rather obvious circle checks had us running up to the Vigilante Road carpark, chasing after Tiger Lily rapidly disappearing into the distance. A less obvious circle check had us scratching our heads for a good five minutes before on was finally called down the steps towards Normanton Park. On through the gardens to the left and then out to Science Park Drive, a bit of tarmac bashing until we came back into Kent Ridge Park and along the fence of Normanton Park. Then the famous long hill between Winchester and Canterbury Roads before we headed back via Alexandra Road, Horpark, and that little canal that feeds onto Pepys Road. Phew, a good mix of the best of the area along with a bit of tarmac. Since it was rainy and cool, it was nice to get a bit of a stride out. Thanks hares.

The Circle: A rather small and soggy group, having first watched a car full of Harriets decide it was too wet and drive off home for a hot shower, assembled under clearing skies.

Crikey, so what did we think of that for a run? Too far from Dairy Farm Rd, too many Circle Checks (That is Stiffy’s way to get out of setting T Checks). But seriously, good run and thanks for filling in at short notice.

Tell us about your On On: Isan, Thai tucker. A very small group caught Wet Already and Trevor having dinner there, having snuck off from the circle early.

Next week’s run: Not Good Enough, Give Way. Dairy Farm Rd. Check the website, as usual.

Visitors / Returnees: Bagless Too, Trevor, Stiff. Welcome all.

Virgins: Too wet for virgins.

Tits: Hand Bag has the Tits on behalf of Posh Nash. Why? Besides the fact that Posh Nash has already left, last week Singaporn would not let her put them in her car because they are too dirty. Which meaning of dirty does she mean? Anyway, Hand Bag goes back to think about it.

Dick: Missing again, but Hand Bag is ready and has a stand-by Dick. And he puts a tall black cylinder hat on his head, complimenting his tits.

Lippy: Hooray, who demands to sue and call in the Health Dept. if it touches his lips.

At this stage, The Hares for next week arrive and are given an armed escort to protect them from Stiffy. This immediately sparks Hand Bag’s thinking alight.

Tits,and Dick, Part 2: Hand Bag calls in Not Good Enough as a f#*king candidate for the Tits and Give Way for the Dick, for making the Beer Wagon and several car loads of Hashers drive out to Dairy Farm Rd, and for causing his ex best friend Stiffy to have to set tonight’s run twice in weather suitable only for ducks (Posh ones at that). Stiffy, who was being restrained from throwing his bottle of Carlsberg at the Hares, was shouting something about the Hares having to call in Noah for next week’s run. Ah, what are friends for!

In the meantime, Hand Bag was struggling to get his Tits over his Dick without making it go limp.

Awards – nope (could be a wettest run candidate?)

AOB:

· Hooray chastised the Hares for making Uncle and the Beer Wagon go all the way out to Dairy Farm Rd. At least he knows where to go next week.

· Sneaky Comer reminds us that in the old days, communication was by post and landline, and could slow down communication a bit. But modern technology allows for instant communication and there is no excuse for not staying updated! But 2 members still drove all the way out to Dairy Farm Rd. Why why why??? Well, Kamala does not have a computer, while her good friend Dances With Kerbs has a computer but her mailbox is so full it is rejecting incoming messages. Here’s to modern technology.

· Stiffy asks Mrs. Parker, aka Shoe Shopper, as a model parent, how many children she has. ‘3 that I know of,’ was the reply.

‘How many daughters?’ ‘1 that I know of.’

‘And where is she now?’ ‘At home.’

‘And where is her gym kit?’ ‘At home, being washed by the maid.’

‘No it’s not,’ declares Stiffy, ‘it’s in my office at school still stinking from yesterday!’

‘What were you doing with my daughter in your office??’ was the counter charge from Shoe Shopper.

Things then deteriorated further with another colleague of Stiffy’s, Not Good Enough, declaring that she also wears Calvin Klein knickers!

All were duly charged!

· Shoe Shopper was at the Sunday Run, last Sunday, and asked the Hare, Kan Not Kan, if she could borrow some toilet run for a pre run nervous pee. KNC, being of Scottish origin, was rather hesitant to give away a roll of his finest white 2 ply and complained that people normally forget to return it. Shoe Shopper then got out a rather depleted roll of paper and handed it to Kan Not Kan, telling him the rest of it had been used up because there was so much shit on his run!

· Cock Radio heard a Hasher saying how he sometimes has trouble getting it up to work properly, but if he puts his hand in first and has a bit of a fiddle it normally does the job. Was Stiffy really talking about the retractable headlights on his sports car?

· Don’t go away Stiffy – it’s been raining since 10am, we have not seen the sun in 3 days and it is now 7.30pm. Aren’t you a little over cautious by having the sun screen over your car?

· Kan Not Kan thanked the Hares for such a good run at short notice, and given the amount of rain and Stiffy going around twice, declared it a ‘re – markable’run. And so we see a remarkable trait from our Scottish bard.

· Shaggy Dick Too charged Cock Radio. At the doctor’s, Cock Radio was asked how he got the growth on his foot, and the growth replied back to the doctor, ‘Well doc, it started as a pimple on my bum.’ Boom boom!

· Maggot tells how at a Circle Check, someone yelled ‘It’s not that way because Tiger Lily is up there.’ But Tiger Lily actually, for once, was on trail. On in Shaggy Dick Too and Too Easy for doubting Tiger Lily’s ability to find trail. (it is has been confirmed that while Tiger Lily was on trail, but there is no evidence to prove that she actually knew it – scribe)

· The GM confirms the scribe’s doubts in the above charge – she watched Tiger lily detour sharp right when the trail was clearly marked straight ahead.

· Shoe Shopper calls in Wet N Wild, who was just on her way to the bushes to pee. Seems NZ have some funny ideas about naming children. ‘Toola Does The Hoola In Hawaii’ is no longer acceptable, by law, as a name for your child. (Bet that has upset a lot of people). ‘Fush And Chups’ (Fish And Chips) has also been banned, but ‘Violence’ and ‘Number 16 Bus Stop’ are still allowed. (I’m not sure if ‘Car Park B’ and ‘Public Toilet’ have been approved. ‘Sheep Shaggerson’ is still popular however. Scribe)

· Wet N Wild headed off for her pee but didn’t get far – Hand Bag tells how the NZ Department of Sport and Recreation has a new initiative – they are having sheep tied to a lamppost and calling it a Recreation Centre.

· Wet N Wild really needs to pee by this stage, but is halted by Kan Not Kan who mentioned something about baby urine. And after this down down, Wet N Wild ran the fastest we have ever seen her, straight to the bushes.

· Dances With Kerbs calls in Hash Brew, Forced Entry, and questions the quality and sex appeal of her 2 assistants tonight – Virginia Slim and Kamala!

And on that note, it’s on on on.

Scribed by Cock Radio, with additional run report by Sneaky Comer

POOF, THE LIGHT GOES OFF!
A 72-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back normal so the doctor says, “Harry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”
Harry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have  poor eyesight, so he’s fixed it when I get  up in the middle of the night to go to the  bathroom, poof! the light goes on! When I’m done, poof! the light goes off!”
“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls Harry’s wife. “Mrs. White,” he says, “Harry is doing fine but I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, poof! the light goes off?”
“OH GOOD GRIEF!” Mrs. White exclaims,”He’s pissing in the fridge again!”

The Very Close to a Church Run.

Hares: Posh Nash, Lethal Weapon, Singaporn

Where: Dempsey, car park behind St George’s Church.

On On: Botak Jones, formerly known as Dempsey Hut

The Run

Asked to talk about the run, Posh Nash looked a bit bemused. “Well, what is it laid on?” asked the GM. “Flour, chalk, and toilet paper” replied Posh Nash, with a look on her face suggesting “aren’t they all” was the thought passing through her mind. So, we are ready to go, at 6.01, are we? No, wait a moment – Maggot steps forth and reminds the circle we have had a few injuries recently. Please step forward anyone who has been a little careless? Well Cock Radio busted a knee a few years ago but lately has some problems with his feet. Shoe Shopper has been teaching so hard she blew her eye out. And then, of course, there is Shaggy Dick Too who slipped over a grave two weeks ago and disclocated his shoulder. So Maggot, being a denizen of safety, decides the hash needs a safety briefing. Shaggy Dick Too is required to don all the required safety equipment – a safety harness, a hard hat, eye protection, and shoulder padding. Once this is done, Maggot passes around a brochure showing what can happen if your safety harness is too loose and you fall. See http://www.gearplus.com.au/tips/oh-and-s/harness-balls.htm if you missed it (p.s. the web page has a warning not to look if you have a weak stomach, which is a little late if you have already opened the page, so I add it here…you have been warned).

So, with everyone safety briefed, off we go up the Harding Road embankment to a circle check. On on to a T-check on Loewen Road has us a bit flummoxed until on on is called up towards Dempsey Hill. A loop of the hill and then back down the stairs to the footy pitches which are nicely waterlogged from recent rain. Trail heads up the nature strip to Peirce Road, but it doesn’t seem likely to me, which is reinforced by a guilty look from Posh Nash when I remark it can’t possibly go up there. Flour is quickly found behind the cricket ground and we head up the path between the black and whites to the pipeline and onto Kay Siang Road. I am thinking this run is likely to be a bit short, until we find we have to turn right, along to Margaret Drive, and then up the path to Ridout Road for a long slog up the hill, down again, around the front of Dempsey and home.

The Circle: The GM is resplendent in F&^k Me shoes tonight.

Crikey, so what did we think of that for a run? “The run was as short as the hares”, remarks Boo. Good Run, thanks hares.

Tell us about your On On: Botak Jones (used to be called Dempsey Hut), al a carte.

Next week’s run: Not Good Enough turns up in time to tell us that he had a good run sorted out, at which point his wife interjected and “suggested” they run from Dairy Farm Road, old car park near the corner. Quite a bit of discussion ensues, at which Not Good Enough reminds the circle that “if you want my opinion, my wife will give it to you”. Since then it transpires they can’t do the run next week, so have swapped with Stiffy and the run will be at Pepys Road, second car park from top. This will let us know who reads these newsletters or checks the web site, won’t it.

Visitors / Returnees: Welsh Git, Trevor, Tracey, Hash Bunny (Frankfurt), Trash, Totally Unacceptable, Bagless Too. Hash Bunny says the run is better than Frankfurt. Trevor remarks that there wasn’t enough chalk (thanks Trevor, 3 weeks in we appreciate your expertise). Welcome all.

Virgins: Clair came but then ran away. What is the use of a virgin that runs away?

Lipstick: Hooray, Wet Patch, & Maggot get the lipstick. Then it is pointed out that Cock Radio was in at the run site before the first woman, so he gets lipstick as well. That he never left the run site is irrelevant.

Tits: No tits are in evidence but Kannot Kan dashes off to fetch them. [Ed: members, you are supposed to wear your badges of honour (Dick or Tits or both) from the beginning of the circle, not hide them in your bag. In the good old days, you also had to wear them during the on on and on the bus ride home]. Kannot Kan calls in Posh Nash but she doesn’t notice, too busy talking. Another attempt and she realizes she is being called. Posh Nash is responsible for the hareline. She is very diligent in reminding members they need to set two runs (minimum) per year. Perhaps a little too diligent for Kannot Kan: Posh Nash approached Kan the Kobra and told her she hadn’t set a run for a while and it was time she did. Kan the Kobra pointed out that “a while” is an interesting definition for two weeks ago [Ed: 5 weeks, but who’s counting]. Posh Nash tried again with Kannot Kan who also remarked he had set the run 2 weeks ago and was setting 2 more. So the Joint Mattress (hareline) gets a drink and the tits for not reading her own hareline.

Dick: Absent, still with Deep Throat we believe.

Awards – nope

Hash Wedding

The circle was informed that one of our long term members was having a secret celebration this weekend – his wedding. Cock Radio is called into the circle and dressed in Australian attire (as if he wasn’t already) and joined by his lovely bride Tracey, attended by her lovely bridesmaid Handbag. Shaggy Dick Too, presiding as vicar, first gave a lame excuse for not being appropriately dressed; he informed the circle he was told of the wedding too late and his vicar’s outfit wasn’t back from the cleaner’s. Shoe Shopper was called in for a drink for her cross dressing fantasy that Shaggy Dick Too had a vicar’s outfit in his closet ready to go at a moment’s notice.

Shaggy Dick Too then commenced the ceremony in an pseudo Irish accent that quickly degenerated into some weird combination of Yorkshire, Somerset, and Singlish. His most important question to the bride was “WHY? Why the f^&k are you doing it love?” Cock Radio is, after all, a lovely man but he is falling to pieces!

Sybil bursts into the circle and objects that he has seen Cock Radio with many women, none of them Tracey. But it isn’t time for that bit yet so she is ushered out to hold her peace.

The vicar introduces the lovely bridesmaid and reminds Handbag that the vicar always has first dibs on bridesmaids.

Now is the time to ask if there are any objections and Kamela again wonders why Cock Radio should be allowed to marry. There is no reasonable answer so Cock Radio and Tracey are joined together by handcuffs and pronounced hashman and wife. Cock Radio is then required to remove Tracey’s garter using his teeth, which completes the ceremony. And so ends a lovely hash wedding which is only partially marred by someone losing the keys to the handcuffs.

AOB:

· Not Good Enough informs the circle that Loose Change is in pain because she had her wisdom tooth removed. Not Good Enough thinks it is a miracle of modern science that not only was a piece of wisdom found in Loose Change, but that they were able to remove it.

· Hooray wants Shaggy Dick Too and Too Easy in the circle. Weren’t they seriously injured only a few weeks ago? So how come they are running tonight. Give them a note for sympathy invoking faux injuries.

· Handbag asks us to cast our minds back to the 2000^th run. Remember those fantastic shirts, and the lovely surprise that they were individually customized with our hash names (those who returned their forms on time did, anyway). Well Handbag recently opened his and found one small flaw, which he demonstrates by putting it on over himself AND Not Tonight. A sight to see and he wants Loose Change in for the shirt design. [Ed: mate, if you order 7XL and then lose a ton of weight what do you expect?]

· Wet Pet has a bone to pick with the hares. Not only does she feel the markings were quite spread out (“but we used 75 pieces of Jumbo chalk” one of the hares protests); she was also running with one of the hares at one point when the hare remarked “you know, I am not sure I am on trail”. Give the directionless ones a note.

· The GM has Wet Already and Trevor to task for shagging snogging in the circle.

· Shaggy Dick Too wants the “snogging leggy blonde” back in the circle (that would be Wet Already). SD2 points out that Shoe Shopper has been teaching so hard that her eye has exploded. So Wet Patch has been off with another blonde, Wet Already, who went all the way over to Wet Patch’s work to meet him. Wet Patch and Wet Already get a drink for misbehaviour.

· Sneaky Comer wants Wet Already and Trevor back in the circle. He observed Trevor, a new hasher who looks very fit, staying behind and walking with the old, fat, and infirm rather than running with the FRB’s as he should. Why? Well he was being very solicitous to Wet Already, helping her over drains and pointing out soggy bits she should avoid while on the run. Sneaky Comer has seen this sort of “fresh couple behavior” before and points out to Trevor that it is unlikely to last. If you want to see your future, observe first Shoe Shopper and Wet Patch who are still pretty lovey dovey in the circle. Observe next a couple with a bit more time together, Give Way and Not Good Enough. Sneaky Comer reminds Trevor of Not Good Enough’s comment earlier in the circle “when you want my opinion, my wife will give it to you”! All the loving couples get a drink.

· Wet Patch piles on to get Wet Already nicely tipply – when they arrived at the run site, he asked Shaggy Dick Too to fill up his water bottle while he finished changing. Wet Already rushed in and said she’d do it. “Here’s to the bitch…” calls Shoe Shopper.

And on that note, it’s on on on.

Scribed by Sneaky Comer