Singapore Hash House Harriets

The Anzac Run.

Hares: Cock Radio

Run Site: Kranji War Memorial

On On: Karu’s Indian, Upper Bukit Timah Rd.

The Run:

World War 2. Kranji. Scene of fierce fighting. Acts of valour and courage. The sky all lit up by artillery shells as the sound of exploding bombs echoed through the dense jungle as soldiers took cover before advancing again.

2014. Kranji. Sky all lit up by lightning bolts as the sound of thunder echoed through what is left of the jungle. Acts of courage and valour cowardice as the Hare sheltered under the MRT line, refusing to advance any further until the fierce storm passed.

Half the run managed to be set, and the Hare ran with the Pack as a guide for the 2^nd half. Too Easy did not find the first Check easy at all, and checked 500 metres in the wrong direction. Along the MRT line where the 2^nd Check found runners more interested in standing around chatting rather than checking. Gypsy checked into the jungle and disappeared out of visual and audio range. Penile Extension headed north along the old railway line; unfortunately for him trail was to the south.

After some nice greenery running, it was back over Woodlands Rd and through the little suburbia and out onto the field where a T Check signaled the end of trail. The Hare then took the Pack, well almost all the Pack, around the corner into Mandai Rd before entering the jungle. Unfortunately the FRB’s Too Easy, Goes Down Easy and Foot Fetish refused to budge from the T Check and went MIA for a while.

Sweet Thighs and Gypsy missed the turn into the jungle and disappeared for 500 meters up Mandai Rd before realizing no one was following them. The 2 Kiwis, Lost Marbles and Wet ‘n Wild showed Anzac bravery by leading the way through the spider webs. They were armed with big sticks.

Emerging from the spider trail, the 2 Kiwi gals headed off towards the race course. A night at the races? The Boxer led the Pack the correct way through the long grass and was asked to raise her arm in the air so we could see her.

On grass along the back of the houses to the war cemetery/ memorial. 55 mins. All survived.

The Circle: Goes Down Easy, who also accepted subs and fees earlier, is the stand in GM. And oh my, that’s what I call a pair of F#*k Me Shoes.

Crikey, so what did we think of that for a run? Glad there was a run. Marquee set up was a nice touch but does anyone have 20cents to get the generator going? Good run.

Tell us about your On On: Karu’s Indian.

Next Week’s Run: Goes Down Easy & Foot Fetish. Tiong Baru.

Guests: Dead Fish & ……? No list! Sorry.

Returnees: nope.

Virgins: nope.

Lipstick: Dead Fish, Penile Extension, etc.

Tits: Cock Radio for not being able to multi task like a woman can.

Dick: Ditch has them.

Banana Protector: Father Anus, not here.

Awards – nope.

AOB:

• Too Easy and FRBs were running here, there and everywhere trying to find trail (there wasn’t any) and finally Goes Down Easy declared that it’s better going down. Can’t argue with that.
  
• Too Easy gave a gallantry award to CR for getting a run organized with a fierce storm raging.
  
• Foot Fetish charged himself for being late. Thought he was doing well until he realized he had given the taxi driver instructions to get to Karous instead of the war memorial. Premature On On.
  
• Too Easy has a directionless charge also. Fat Crashing Bastard keyed in Kranji War Memorial to his GPS and ended up in a dead end miles away.
  
• Goes Down Easy tells how one Hasher was looking for paper trail in a rather littered area. He picked up something white to see if it was paper but it turned out to be a white bag of doggy poo. Shitty trail.
  
• Too Easy commented on Goes Down Easy’s extreme F me shoes. At any other run site her heels would have been sinking 10 inches into the ground. Lucky tonight we had a marquee with a wood floor for her to walk on.
  
• Anzacs are in for a drink – CR, Wet ‘n Wild and Lost Marbles.
  
• Penile Extension, wearing his Winston Churchill hat, informs us that it is actually St Georges Day. He brings in a bevy of gals and tells them to beware of the dragon slayer. Not sure if he was inferring that the girls were dragons?
  
• Fat Crashing Bastard charged Too Easy for getting her days mixed up. I missed the details sorry.
  
• Sweet Thighs reminds that the Chinese are found in large numbers all over the world. But tonight we have only 2 at the run – herself and Forced Entry.
  
• Goes Down Easy has a charge up her sleeve and asks Sweet Thighs and Forced Entry where they were born. Singapore. ‘Oh, go away then.’ There goes that charge.
  
• Too Easy tells us that St George was really a Palestinian, because according to Dances With Kerbs there are thousands of Georges in Palestine.
  
• Reminder about the AGM coming up. May 7^th, Southaven Condo, Upper Bukit Timah Rd. A pool for the boys. Award nominations out very soon.
  
• Finally, from Stiffy.
  

   

  ‘There is a forgotten, nay almost forbidden word, which means more to me than any other. That word is ENGLAND.’
  

  Sir Winston Churchill.
  

   

On on to the On On.

Scribed by Cock Radio

Hello — I have questions.

Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety-one?
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea…does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren’t they just stale bread to begin with?
If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car is not called a racist?
If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
Do Lipton Tea employees take ‘coffee breaks?’
Why, Why, Why do we press harder on the remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
Why do banks charge a fee due to insufficient funds; when they already know you’re broke?

Why is it that when someone tells you that there are one billion stars in the universe you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint you have to touch it to check?
Why do they use sterilised needles for lethal injections?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Whose cruel idea was it to put an “s” in the word “lisp”?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why is it that, no matter what colour bubble bath you use, the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people run over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it and then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will ever open from the first end you try?
How do those dead bugs get into the enclosed light fixtures?
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that’s falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
Why, in winter, do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?
The statistics on sanity say that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they’re OK..?

The Return of the Wet Shoes Run.

Hares: Shoe Shopper & Wet Patch

Run Site: Lorong Sesaui

On On: Red Lantern

The Run:

Would the new Aussie (almost sort of) Wet Patch turn up in a cork hat, blue singlet, budgie smugglers and white zinc on his nose? What would his Sheila be wearing? Why were they showing disroyalty by coming to Singapore when members of the Royal Family were touring Australia? Have they turned Republicans? Why did Wet Patch fly Business and leave Shoe Shopper in Economy? But more importantly, where would tonight’s run lead us to? All to be revealed tonight.

Down the steps past the condo to Upper Bukit Timah Rd. Ah, looks like a bit of Nature Reserve running. Across to the old railway track then into the mountain bike track. Yep, nature reserve trails, nice.

Oh no, T Check, hares must have spotted a National Parks Ranger.

Back onto the old railway track, still looking good. Wait, now heading back to Upper Thompson. Ah, must be going towards the main entrance of the nature reserve at Hindhede Rd.

But wait, a Circle Check and we cross back over Upper Thompson in the opposite direction of the Nature Reserve. Crikey, what’s going on? Another NP Ranger or have the Hares been eating too much kangaroo washed down with Fosters?

Up the steps and into no man’s land of confusing roads and back lanes before hitting some jungle.

Unfortunately I can’t describe too much more of the run, except to say that Wet Patch spent considerable energy trying to lure unsuspecting females into taking all the shaggy shiggyroutes, but with little success. Runners emerged at the beer wagon via the steps through the park in about 55 minutes. Except for Not Good Enough who staggered up the main road behind bare chested army guys doing hill repetitions. But that’s another story.

The Circle: The GM is ‘f#*king’ a lot tonight, and no sign of Slocum either.

Crikey, so what did we think of that for a run? Not bad for Aussies, bonza, ripper, ace, Crikey, F*#king good run.

But wait, they avoid membership and guest fees by being Hares and setting the run, then try to claim their flights from Hash Cash. Cheap skates huh.continue laying the trail!).

Tell us about your On On: $10 Red Lantern, kangaroo steak, wallaby cutlets, dingo soup, emu pie.

Next Week’s Run: Cock Radio & the Anzacs, Kranji War Cemetery.

Guests: Buttwiper, Dragon Breath, Ditch, Betty Boob Boop, BMW, Bagless Too.

Returnees: Ayam Kampong, Mr. Potato Head. Special Returnees: Crocodile Dundee and Elle McPherson, aka as Wet Patch and Shoe Shopper.

Virgins: Graham.

Lipstick: Buttwiper, Cock Radio, F#*ks Easy, Mr. Octoberfest (BMW), Ditch, Bagless Too and Mr. Potato Head. All decent blokes, so they protest their innocence with a stirring rendition of ‘Bullshit.’

Tits: Missing in action.

Dick: Ditch was calling out ‘Need a woman,’ all the time, so he gets something he can play with instead of harassing the gals.

Banana Protector: Father Anus, not here.

Awards – nope.

AOB:

• CR charged Wet Patch for sitting himself at the pointy end of the plane upstairs and plonking his wife next to the rear toilets downstairs. And furthermore, he sends Shoe Shopper back to OZ on Monday, seat 99 D ,while he stays on in Singapore for the week attending a couple of meetings before flying back alone Business and claiming the whole lot on tax. Not sure if the receipts from Orchard Towers will be accepted by the Australian Taxation Department. Or by Shoe Shopper, come to think of it.
  
• Kan Not Kan tells how Buttwiper was introduced as Budweiser. (This is rather weird, because I am writing this up on a flight from Bangkok to Singapore while having a can of Budweiser. Really pleased it’s not a Buttwiper – CR)
  
• Stiffy was in England recently and took an American friend into one of those traditional old British taverns full of those much loved Pommy Ales (loved by only the Brits that is of course) with the strange names such as Newcastle Brown Ale, Morland Old Speckled Hen, Robinson’s Old Tom, Wadworth 6X, Marston’s Pedigree, Thomas Hardy’s Ale, Sam Smith’s Nut Brown Ale, Badger’s Tanglefoot etc etc etc. And what did the Yank ask for? Yep, a Budweiser. In Ditch, as the representative American.
  
• Not Tonight follows up with how Stiffy was in England and saw a hairdresser advertising Kim Jung Un hairstyles, with a picture of the fearless leader on his window. (North Korean men were recently told to have their cut in the same style as a mark of respect to their leader, otherwise end up with the same departure as his uncle- CR)
  
• Anyway, a couple of European heavies came and told the hairdresser to remove the advertisement. (Good on ‘em if you ask me. CR)
  
• Dragon Breath was one of the lassies that Wet Patch tried to lure into his shiggy den, but she was having none of his sweet talk. Anyway, Shoe Shopper mentioned about not going down with him because you only have to come up again. Moral of story: Don’t go down with Wet Patch.
  
• Stiffy has Dragon Breath in for a sex charge. Apparently on the Sunday Run, they get straight into it.
  
• The Sunday AGM from Sammy’s at Dempsey has now been and gone by the time you read this. Results next week. And remember, their next Committee could be good…..
  
• The Harriets AGM is coming up, May 7. Sneaky Comer praises this annual event, one of the highlights on the Singapore Social Calendar. Furthermore, he acknowledges the Harriets return to a venue with a swimming pool for the non voting overworked Associate Members. But how can we cook a BBQ while in the pool? Mr. Ho cooks really well and is a non swimmer.
  
• A directionless charge involving Buttwiper – a call of ‘on left’ and he went right.
  

On on to the On On.

Isn’t it great to have run reports again for bored people to have something to complain against!!

Scribed by Cock Radio

The GM Again Run

Hares: Jackoff and Slocum

Run Site: Heavy Vehicle Carpark Jurong Road and Bukit Batok Road

On On: The Greasy Spoon.

The Circle:

Crikey, so what did we think of that for a run? Good run even though some were diverted by the army.

Tell us about your On On: Next door.

Next Week’s Run (was): A return to Lorong Sesuai by Shoe Shopper and Wet Patch.

Guests: Foot Fetish, Bugle Boy, Peanut Butter Time, Naila, Cumpuss, Ditch, Trash, Phoney Dick and Dragon Breath.

Returnees: Quicksand – in camouflage, where is she? Is she in the army? Did she get a heads up about the run?

Virgins: Kristin & Austin.

Lipstick: Bugle Boy, Hooray, Gypsy, Stiffy, Dickhead (Just Christian).

Tits: on vacation in New Zealand? [Lost Marbles].

Dick: absent [Penile Extension].

Banana Protector: Father Anus, not here.

Awards –

• Loose Change for 900 runs!!! ‘Get a life’, lovely chain!
  
• Zipp – 700 runs – necklace
  
• Gypsy – 100 runs, photo frame
  
• Fat Crashing Bastard – 100 runs, tankard
  

AOB:

• Sweet Thighs was trying to keep clean but Kannot Kan came up & splashed her! Mean!
  
• Bugle Boy on the phone with In & Out who is going to San Francisco to start sailing on a 70 foot yacht race around the world. Last week they lost a person & 3.1415% of In & Out couldn’t read most of Wet Brazillians writing here so all the best In & Out and we’ll see you when you get back.
  
• Dragon Breath charged Sweet Thighs for front running by whizzing off down the out trail (she wanted to do the run 2 times I think) But Dragon Breath called her back to the in trail thanks said a most grateful Sweet Thighs!!
  
• Slocum – called Jackoff in to congratulate her for putting up with him for 11 years.
  
• Too Easy also called in for thinking it was their 10 anniversary shame on you Too Easy for not knowing when the Rigby’s wedding anniversary was!!
  
• Fat Crashing Bastard called Slocum in for knowing how to treat his wife on their anniversary by taking her to the Greasy Spoon for dinner. This makes it easier for other husbands to follow!!
  
• Dragon Breath =called in Wet Brazilian in for overtaking her & Wet & Wild who were front running just at the very end so she could say she finished first = give the competitive one a note!
  
• Mothers Tongue charged Slocum for bad job & Jackoff for a good job
  
• Just Christian called Hooray in for beating him! Wow!
  
• Jackoff called in Just Christian for being so f###ing colour coordinated
  
• Just Christian was called in too for something (couldn’t read it sort out your writing will you WB!!)
  
• Stiffy tells about Wet Brazilian being on the MRT and a women gave her seat because of her white hair! Sweet Things has been charged so many times for being fashionable and brought Just Christian & Quicksand in for being fashionistas
  
• Just Christian called in for naming & is now Frisky Whiskey
  
• Dragon Breath called in Sweet Thighs for painting on her eyebrows when getting changed. Apparently painted eyebrows make you go faster just like Frisky Whiskey!
  
• Slocum brought Kan the Kobra, Forced Enrty, Not tonight, Zipp &b Dances with Kerb for being the taxi gang and getting a taxi home from the run
  
• Foot Fettish asked why it is that Frisky Whickey is getting called in and being fondled but Phoney Dick isn’t? Wet N Wild explained that’s how the Harriet’s measure for t shirt size
  
• All Harriets who felt Frisky Whiskeys chest given a down down Zipp, Sweet Thighs, Kara & Wet N Wild
  
• Kamala brought Frisky Whiskey in and said he needs to bring brandy to the next run so he can be called Randy Brandy!!
  

On on to the On On.

Scribed by Wet Brazilian, notes transcribed by Wet ‘n Wild

The Don’t Piss the GM Off Run Hares: Jackoff, The Boxer, and Penile Extension

Run Site: Ang Mo Kio Industrial Park 3, Block 6006 behind Motorola Building

On On: Hong Seng Seafood Restaurant.

The Circle:

Crikey, so what did we think of that for a run? Hares – Jack Off, The Boxer and Penile Extension (Last minute hares and last minute run as hares were stopped by an armed Singaporean soldier and informed them that due to military exercises they could not continue laying the trail!).

Tell us about your On On: Next door.

Next Week’s Run: Delta Swimming Complex Car park, by Sybil, Dances with Kerbs, Zipp, and Gypsy.

Guests: Phoney Dick, Trash, Hard On, James (Hard On’s son), Paul, King Leer, Totally Unacceptable.

Returnees: not that we recall.

Virgins: nope.

Lipstick: Kannot Kan, Hard On, James and Totally Unacceptable.

Tits: on vacation in New Zealand? [Lost Marbles].

Dick: absent [Forced Entry].

Banana Protector: Father Anus, not here.

Awards – Hooray for 1000th run! He got a lovely tankard, so no shirt taking off (Thank goodness!) and as he is getting on a bit it did take him quite a long time to finish his down down.

AOB:

• Penile Extension brought James in. As mentioned earlier the original run was spoilt due to the Singaporean Army exercises and it just so happened that James is in the Singaporean Army! So logically it follows that he is a SPY sent into our camp to find out our secrets!
  
• Wet Brazilian asked the circle who do we all love? Stiffy tried to step in and pretend it was him, but obviously it wasn’t! The circle guessed right – the answer was The Boxer. We love her because she is such a happy, smiling, friendly person who is a great cook. However Wet Brazilian saw the other side of her on the run! At one stage some runners (Wet Brazilian included) were struggling through rough scratchy terrain, whilst others just 5 metres away were comfortably running on the pavement. WB asked the hare, The Boxer, was it really necessary for us to be fighting our way through the undergrowth. “Yes” came the reply. “It’s necessary. The trail goes this way.” So thinking that we were heading further into the jungle I bravely continued, until a hundred metres later we turned up to the pavement! When WB let out a “WTF! You said!” The Boxer’s only reply was a witchy cackle! Now we know she is not all sweetness and light! (Penile Extension did mention loudly that he had been trying to tell people this for years!)
  
• The Boxer was in trouble again with the next charge. She was brought in by Stiffy who was most upset that despite a whole week of preparation time there were no sausage rolls! How can that be, not one sausage roll at The Boxer’s run! Of course The Boxer blamed Penile Extension for not going shopping! Men!
  
• Jack Off then re-enacted the Army cutting short their trail setting and explained how they had to make up a new run on the spot, so of course they had to put in a few longer than normal T checks. Unfortunately those T checks were a bit too long for one poor hasher, Totally Unacceptable. He couldn’t keep up and had to give up at 6:35! He couldn’t even keep it down as half his down down ended up on the floor! Men!
  
• Penile Extension then brought a beautiful looking Kan the Kobra in. She was looking stunning after various beauty treatments, including ear waxing. However Penile Extension pointed out that she should ask for her money back as the ear waxing obviously didn’t work. He had earlier witnessed Kannot Kan on the phone trying to explain where the run location was and she couldn’t understand him, so couldn’t find the run site.
  
• Stiffy charged Wet Brazilian for not being Brazilian enough. When Wet Brazilian arrived at the run site, Phoney Dick remarked “Here comes the Brazilian BOMBSHELL” (I said I would put that in capitals!) Stiffy pointed out she may look Brazilian, but she doesn’t drive like a Brazilian. “She definitely isn’t an Ayrton Senna” I don’t know what he is talking about, it only took me 4 attempts to get in the parking space!
  
• Kannot Kan then filled the circle in on Kan the Kobra’s wonderful beauty treatments which took place at a spa in Batam. Kan the Kobra and Deep Throat decided to pamper themselves, as you do. Well, as they nearly didn’t do! Kan the Kobra was at the ferry port waiting for Deep Throat to arrive when Deep Throat called to say she was running a bit late but was in a taxi now. Luckily K the K checked to see if Deep Throat had her passport – she did not! Deep Throat had the taxi turn round and called Malfunction asking him to get her passport and meet her on the street. Which being the kind person he is, he did it willingly. Finally, at the ferry port Kan the Kobra and Deep Throat were about to set off when they were stopped by immigration. The problem being Deep Throat’s passport was out of date!! Of course it was Malfunction’s fault – he had picked up the wrong passport! After another phone call, Malfunction being the kind person he still is, this time actually got a taxi and brought Deep Throat’s passport to her! A Deep Throat lookalike had to drink a down down to a well deserved renditioning of BIMBO.
  
• Kan the Kobra’s beauty led her to be charged again! This time by Not Tonight who was most upset when she heard the sexy Kan the Kobra soliciting her husband, Stiffy! $15 for 15 minutes! Apparently Stiffy has booked in for every day next week!
  
• Jack Off then thanked her last minute co-hares, Penile Extension and The Boxer, for helping out the Harriets in their time of need.
  
• They all stayed in the circle as The Boxer charged her co-hares for not communicating properly with each other. Jack Off asked Penile Extension to bring tp with him. Penile Extension did not understand. (Neither would I) But Jack Off enlightened us all – Toilet paper!
  
• Stiffy was back in the circle. This time to charge Paul the visitor, who injured himself a couple of weeks earlier. Most of us go to a doctor when injured, instead Paul decided to do a bit of DIY and bought some insulating tape to strap up his sore calf muscle. It was obviously cheap insulating as it came off half way through the run. This led to possible naming options which included;
  
  • Tight Tendon (too nice)
    
  • Jock Strap (Not his Jock that was strapped)
    
  • Tight Bastard (Kills two birds with one stone)
    
• Finally, Hard On shared a hash story for many years ago. Whilst setting the trail in Sumatra with a co-hare Hard On was surprised when his co-hare jumped up into the air and ran past him and disappeared. Why would a co-hare do that? They would if there was a bloody big python on the trail! There was only one obvious person for the down down – Kan the Kobra!
  

On on to the On On.

Scribed by Wet Brazilian

The Flat Knob Run

Hare: Knobby Boy Scout

Run Site: End of Zehnder Road

On On: Rangooli’s Indian, South Buona Vista Road.

The Run:

5:55pm, the pack was gathered at the end of Zehnder Road and there was no hare in sight. Luckily Cock Radio was away or there might have been a mad scramble to set a live hare run. Numerous visitors fresh from Hainan Interhash kept the GM preoccupied, until about 5:59 along came the hare, peddling his bike feverishly down the road dropping toilet paper every 20m or so.

Hmmm, a hash set on a bike. “This isn’t the bike hash”, exclaimed Stiffy, who looked a bit forlorn that he hadn’t worn his lycra today. Knobby further built our spirits by letting us know he had no time and had to both recce and set the run today, on his bike. He then proceeded to do a long chalk talk (explaining his markings), and advising there was a short run of 8km and a long run of 11km. Far Canal, I think a few people decided to settle in at the beer truck.

Anyway, the next instruction was that there was an invisible circle check at the run site, so off we headed looking for trail. Having seen the hare coming haring in on his bike just before the circle, it was a fair bit the run started 180 degrees away, so off we went, finally finding trail heading out to Science Park road. A sneaky t-check up a steep hill brought the pack back together, and then it was back down Science Park Drive again.

At this point our eyesight failed a few of badly and we unintentionally (I think) ended up on the long run winding its way through NUS. Out onto Clementi Road where eyesight failed a few of us again and we ran straight past the arrow pointing us to Clementi Woods Park. Error rectified, we were down to West Coast Road, at which point we could have followed trail over West Coast Road to the park, but we chose to make the long slog along West Coast Road back to South Buona Vista and finally home. Phew. A long run….

The Circle: The hare had disappeared after the run, presumably to have a shower at home, or perhaps to do some “house cleaning”, so Jackoff called the circle to order and called for next week’s hare. “Do we have a run”, she asked? Well yes, but only because some people stepped in at the last minute to help out. She proceeded to give a stern lecture on the spirit of hashing, that if you agree to set a run you have to do it or find a replacement, not just back out leaving the run uncovered, and leaving the committee scrambling to find a new hare – this usually results in the committee having to set the run.

With the circle suitably chastened (or not), the hare had returned and we returned to normal business.

Crikey, so what did we think of that for a run? A bit “long”. A bit flat. A bit hot. Set on a bike. But Good run declared, and thanks very much Knobby, who is not even a member, for setting a run for us.

Tell us about your On On: Rangooli’s Indian, $16, on South Buona Vista Road. We noted that 99 South Buona Vista kitchen has been the victim of some NIMBY behavior and fined for putting tables in the “parking lot”. Seriously, cars and their drivers are destroying all that makes Singapore great. Hopefully sense will prevail soon, or another great eating spot is destroyed for parking lots.

Next Week’s Run: Last minute stand in hares Jackoff, The Boxer, and consultant Penile Extension will set the run from Ang Mo Kio Industrial Park 3, Block 6006, behind the Motorola Building [this is different from the location announced at the circle].

Guests: welcome Buttwiper, Dragon Breath, Bugle Boy, Foot Fettish, Joy’s Hut, Veronica, XYZ, Tipm, Licken Z Dickens, Poo Bag, Carol, and Paul.

Returnees: not that we recall.

Virgins: Yes, Harmon a military lad had unfortunately gone by the time he was called.

Lipstick: Stiffy, Buttwiper, Foot Fetish, XYZ, Paul, Comes Quietly.

Tits: Wet Brazilian has the tits and announces that she is not making a charge but making an act of kindness. She was talking to a Harriet who knows she is getting a shirt award today, but she doesn’t want to take her top off to receive it. Never mind, that Harriet can get the tits to cover her embarrassment, on in Lost Marbles. She is chorused to “Flash Your Tits for the Boys”.

Dick: Not Good Enough has the Dick and has enough candidates to tax the three committee members helping The Boxer fill the beer cups:

• Tipm, who apparently has to come before her husband, XYZ, along with Paul, The Boxer, and a visitor, who all got a drink.
  
• One of our near regular visitors, who has been with us for four weeks already and still can’t wear a hash shirt.
  
• Knobby Boy Scout did a big chalk talk at the beginning of the run. NGE was impressed that he must have kept getting off his bike to lay all the chalk down. So WTF, when we got to all those circle checks, weren’t they broken? He had his bike, couldn’t he have fixed the checks after the FRB’s went through?
  

However, the Dick goes to a Harriet who sidled up to NGE at the end of the run – “I have a charge for you, about Not Tonight’s shorts – it looks like they fit very well on one cheek at least”. The Harriet was then silly enough to tell NGE she doesn’t like coming into the circle so that’s why she was passing the charge on. Forced Entry gets the Dick.

Banana Protector: Father Anus, not here.

Awards – Lots and lots and lots – it is getting near the end of the year so the On Sec obviously has to empty her cupboard:

• Dances with Kerbs: 600 runs
  
• Kan the Kobra: 200 runs
  
• Suzee Wong: 300 runs
  
• Not Good Enough: 300 runs
  
• Give Way: 300 runs
  
• Goes Down Easy: 50 runs, and she is a sport to accede to an “off off off” call.
  
• Kannot Kan: 200 runs
  
• Sneaky Comer: 300 runs
  

AOB:

• Bugle Boy has been doing some research on the Harriets. He was nice enough to send the On Sec the charge after the run, since the scribe couldn’t keep up:
  
  

  Do Wednesday Night Hashers “finishing” habits predict their Saturday night finishing habits?
  

   

  My research shows:
  

  • The virgin. Finished early, left early.
    
  • Licking Z Dikin. The sailor finishes wherever and wherever he can.
    
  • Butt Wiper. The ex-soldier takes great pride in finishing well before all of the women.
    
  • Wet Brazilian. The experienced hasher. She finishes when she damn well wants to. She even will make the other hasher stop half way through the run to go to have a pee.
    
  • Kannot Kan. The sneaky one. You rarely can find him during the run. Somehow, he is able to finish before the ladies do.
    
  • Goes Down Easy. The helping hasher. Waits for others to finish before she does.
    
  • Jack off. The screamer. She screams 100% of the time after she finishes.
    

All these “finishers” get a drink.

• XYZ asks Not Good Enough to put the Dick back on. He is genuinely a dickhead for not being able to tell the difference between falsies and genuines.
  
• Tipm points out that Suzee Wong not only came late, she was also not screaming and sitting in the circle.
  
• Foot Fetish was near the front at one stage, unusual, and running behind Goes Down Easy when she suddenly stopped, leaving him in a lipstick vulnerable position. Give the sneaky front runner a note. [Ed: mate, that is an oldy but a goodie – apparently there is a secret Harriets initiation ceremony that we associate members are not privy to – they are all taught to stop "short" and catch us in front].
  
• Dragon Breath is in to point out she came before Buttwiper AND she is a screamer. But that isn’t the charge. Knobby Boy Scout came to her run last Sunday, very concerned that it would mess up his run today. Dragon Breath wants to know what the fuss was about, the run was nowhere near the same (although perhaps he could have picked up some tips).
  
• Stiffy reminds everyone that he saved some people from the parking police last week. Including Comes Quietly. So having been given a big hint, why was Comes Quietly’s car being ticketed after the onon.
  
• Comes Quietly follows up with a grudge – Stiffy, you obviously didn’t put enough coupons on the car!
  
• Goes Down Easy charges Knobby Boy Scout for copy catting and putting a circle check at the start of the run. [Ed: actually that move is © Sneaky Comer, and you will all be hearing from my almost good lawyer soon].
  
• Knobby Boy Scout was cleaning house today and found some bracelets that he wants to bestow on two Harriets:
  
  • Dragon Breath had a very nice G&T stop at her run, so it is only appropriate she gets the “Tipsy” bracelet.
    
  • Poo Bag is a fashion statement tonight, so she is awarded a “Ruskie Babe” bracelet.
    
• Not Tonight alerts the hash that both she and Stiffy were virgins once. The people responsible for changing that were Joy’s Hut and [ed: sorry lost the other name], along with Not Good Enough and Give Way. Give them all a drink for promiscuous behavior.
  
• Wet Brazilian thanks Knobby Boy Scout for handing out presents but has a few clarifications she needs from him:
  
  • If you were so busy that you had no time to recce and you had to set the run on a bike, how come you had time to clean house.
    
  • And, in any case, doesn’t “Cleaning House” have a particular meaning for the male of the species? Ie masturbating.
    
• All the men who acknowledge they know what “cleaning house” means are brought in for a drink: Bugle Boy, Not Good Enough, Kannot Kan and a few others.
  
• Sneaky Comer arrived at the run tonight thanks to a lift from Comes Quietly. As we drove up, we saw Tipm’s husband and SC remarked “I know that guy, what is his name again?” to which CQ replied “ABC”. Nope, it is actually XYZ, you are at the wrong end of the alphabet. Further to this, Jackoff is accused of pronouncing his name wrong as XYZee rather than XYZed. Stiffy is called in as a linguistic consultant but takes too long and is told to F off.
  

On on to the On On.

Scribed by Sneaky Comer

A dumb blonde was really tired of being made fun of, so she decided to have her hair she would look like a brunette. When she had brown hair, she decided to take a drive in the country.

After she had been driving for a while, she saw a farmer and a flock of sheep and thought, “Oh! Those sheep are so adorable!”

She got out and walked over to the farmer and said, “If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one home?”

The farmer, being a bit of a gambler himself, said she could have a try.

The blonde looked at the flock and guessed, “157.”

The farmer was amazed – she was right! So the blonde, (who looked like a brunette), picked one out and got back into her car. Before she left, farmer walked up to her and said.

“If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?”

The Schools Out (almost) Run Hare: Cock Radio

Run Site: Sembawang – car park diagonally opposite Sembawang Shopping Centre

On On: Yi Jia Le Seafood, across the ditch for the brave or down the road for the sane.

The Run:

‘Parking Coupons,’ was the last thing said by the GM as runners plodded off into the haze. While walkers went direct across the field, runners went via the drain. The cricket pitch of the former Jelutung field was inspected. Unfortunately teams can no longer play on it as half the ‘Public space’ has been taken over by a new condo. It’s just not cricket.

Across more field to the former Sembawang River, now just a mere canal of it’s former glorious self. Far canal.

Through the bike track on the way back and into the nice Gambas jungle. Someone had thoughtfully hacked a new trail, marking it with red and white tape. As I was short on paper to mark my trail, I decided to use this new path and see where it took us. Well, one way took us back to the drain where we had started, but most of the Pack decided to go the opposite way and ignore a T Check. This group came out of the jungle further up Sembawang Rd.

Comes Quietly led a group to home, while another group with Goes Down Easy, F#*kin’ Easy and Bugle Boy went back into the jungle to try and find trail.

A short 45 minute run for some, a bit more for others. The Hare did not want everyone to over exert in the heat and haze. Thoughtful, caring Hare.

The Circle:

Crikey, so what did we think of that for a run? Good run. Considering the heat and haze, shorter is better.

Tell us about your On On: Yi Jia Le Seafood, across the ditch for the brave or down the road for the sane. $12.

Next Week’s Run: Knobby Boy Scout, Zehnder Road.

Guests: Bugle Boy, Ditch, 14 Penguins, Trash, Phoney Dick, and a few others, welcome anyway.

Returnees: not that we recall.

Virgins: Nope.

Lipstick: Phony Dick, Stiffy, Ditch, Paul, Bugle Boy. Looked like they ended up with a penis on their forehead.

Tits: with Give Way.

Dick: with Not Good Enough.

Banana Protector: Father Anus, not here.

Awards – nope.

AOB:

• The GM has a naming. Visitor Mark recognized Jack Off by her outstanding assets. No, not her bum. And no, not her boobs. He recognized her toes. So with the power infected and ingested in her, Mark will now and forever be known as Foot Fetish.
  
• Wet ‘n Wild called in some leggy Harriets, Trash and 14 Penguins. Yes long legs indeed. While the GM has some great assets, including her feet, her legs are not quite the leggy length of these other two gals. But perhaps over estimating her legs a little, on reaching a kennel (NZ talk for ‘canal’), Jack Off confidently declared she could get across there with her long legs. I think a pair of her other assets ended up wet.
  
• Stiffy declares the Kiwis have common sense – they are removing the Union Jack from their flag. So he calls in all the Australians for lacking common sense by keeping the Union Jack.
  
• Sneaky Comer observed Goes Down showing her sex style preferences – she made a beeline for the Doggy Style Pet Shop. I wonder if Wet Brazilian would have gone next door to the Beaver Hair Stylist. In and Out was seen getting a business card from the Thai Massage Studio.
  
• Bugle Boy told how Kamala was at home wet and naked after showering when the front doorbell rang. A voice on the intercom declared it was the blind man. Not wanting to rush herself drying and clothing, she walked naked to the door and let him in, knowing that he would not be able to see anything, including her assets. On entering, the man calmly asked Kamala ‘Where would you like these window blinds installed madam?’ We wonder if he turned a blind eye?
  
• Stiffy declares he knows how Forced Entry can afford a convertible BMW. She paid for it from all the money she saves on parking coupons. Yes, there was the white BMW without a coupon, saved from a $30 fine by Stiffy’s generosity.
  
• Cock Radio follows up – another Hasher either knew it was going to be a short run, or he thought he was pretty quick. On in Comes Quietly for only putting a 30 minute parking voucher on his car. Saved by the generosity of Stiffy and Croc Hunter.
  
• Not Tonight calls in the King of Sembawang (that’s me) for being environmentally friendly and recycling runs. She also charges Sneaky Comer for recycling charges (Doggy Style).
  
• Sneaky Comer calls in Comes Quietly, who after living in Singapore for 15 years just discovered that a nearby country, Cambodia, has 50 cent beers.
  
• In and Out thanks all those that contributed to last weekend’s Lion City Hospice fund raiser. Expectations were exceeded. (It was a great event).
  

On on to the On On.

Scribed by Cock Radio

The Tarty Tardy NZ National Day Run

Hares: Wet ‘n Wild & Loose Marbles.

Run Site: Blackmore Drive

On On: Red Lantern

The Run:

What time does a 6 o’clock run start? With Wet Brazilian in charge and Wet ‘n Wild and Loose Marbles as Hares, 5.30 may have been appropriate. As the lengthy pre run speech went on, and on, and on, In and Out suggested we forget the run and go straight to the Red Lantern before it closes.

The Hares told us that there was trail from several runs out there. It was suggested that if we don’t get started there will be even more trail out there as Thursdy Hash may soon front up.

The Hares persisted with directions, despite the constant barrage from Not Good Enough. The run was set on mainly chalk, but also a little bit of paper and flour. There is other chalk out there but don’t follow it, unless we have used it. Some chalk had an x. While there is a lot of trail out there, at one stage there is no trail at all. Understand?

Finally, just as the sun was setting (well, almost) we got underway, only to hit a T Check on Old Holland Rd. The field was thoroughly checked out, nothing. It was back to the Beer Van, where some runners were tempted to stop, even though they had only been running 5 minutes.

Sneaky Comer decided to bulldoze his way through an old trail instead of risking a broken ankle backtracking across the field, so I followed him. The good news was we made it out onto the new road. The bad news was we got there before the Pack. Lipstick.

Somehow Dragon Breath was the lead lady. Not for long. Goes Down Easy led us onto the old railway line and a Circle. Sneaky Comer and I found paper on the right side of the canal, Goes Down Easy found paper on the left. Hers looked fresher.

Out onto Clementi Road and turn right. Must be a T, we always go left. Wrong, it was really right and down to King Albert. Sneaky Hares.

[Ed: one of the hares informs me (although with her sense of direction I have my doubts) that we missed a sneaky T-check over the overhead bridge on Clementi Road. Well we didn't see arrows going over there, so we just ran straight past it].

A Circle had front runners scratching their heads. The walkers had been given inside information and made their way across Bukit Timah Rd via the old railway bridge. The Hares had spared no expense setting this part of the trail – a few hundred metres set with only ¼ cup of flour.

Rifle Range Rd came and went, as did the Durian Trail. The Hares were suffering heat stroke at this stage when setting the run, as they forgot to put Checks in. Or maybe they were just too busy chatting.

A long road run back, down Jalan Kampong Chantek, through Binjai Park and onto Bukit Timah Rd before the finish up Blackmore drive for an 8km hit out.

The Circle: Wet Brazilian shows she hasn’t lost it. Did she ever have it?

Crikey, so what did we think of that for a run? Should have started on Kiwi Day. Too much chalk.

Tell us about your On On: Red Lantern, free flow of Australian wine. Joking.

Next Week’s Run: Cock Radio, Sembawang shopping Centre.

Guests: Bugle Boy, Ditch, Betty Boop, Poo Bag, Big Manswolly, 14 Penguins, Trash, Phoney Dick, Paul, Eskimo Quinn, Just Jane, Dragon breath, Cunnilicker.

Returnees: Malfunktion, Confucius, Octopussy.

Virgins: Nope.

Lipstick: Cock Radio, Sneaky Comer etc etc.

Tits: Two Jugs gives it to Wet Brazilian for failing to have her phone on all day, thus making it impossible to communicate vital committee information to her.

Dick: Goes Down Easy gives it to the opinionated one, Not Good Enough, for claiming he was first to arrive at a Circle Check and refusing to believe that he wasn’t first at all.

Banana Protector: Father Anus , not here.

Awards – Two Jugs takes a 50 run award.

AOB:

• Wet ‘n Wild charged Octopussy for shopping on the run.
  
• Bugle Boy informed us that Imperfect Member and Two Jugs went to the doctor – Imperfect Member wanted his sex drive lowered. ‘It’s all up here in my head,’ complained IM, ‘And I want it lower.’
  
• Cunnilicker said that Malfunktion has matching underwear for his shorts, but is not wearing them. Malfunktion unfortunately drops his shorts to prove that Cunnilicker was correct.
  
• Not Good Enough has had Octopussy staying for 3 days and she has not stopped talking. He is sick of girls talk and lets Dragon Breath, Goes Down Easy, Gives Way etc know he is fed up.
  
• Ayam Kampong was curious as to why In and Out took so long to come in. Because he was out for a long time I guess.
  
• German visitor commented there were too many men playing pocket billiards.
  
• Dragon Breath had Cunnilicker tell her he was too sick to set the Sunday run, but here he was at the Wednesday run. Better than sitting around at home was his comment.
  
• Malfunktion saw our resident nurse, Mother’s Tongue, at the bank. She was trying to fill out a form but was getting nowhere. The teller informed her that she was trying to write with a rectal thermometer. On discovering this, she exclaimed ‘Some asshole has my pen.’
  
• In and Out’s friend had a horrible accident and ended up in hospital and found a beautiful curvy nurse leaning over him when he came to. She broke the bad news and told him he would never feel anything below the waist again. The patient then said “In that case, can I feel your tits?’
  
• The Boxer gives Croc Hunter a cake less Happy Birthday.
  
• Two Jugs and Imperfect Member are given farewell gifts. A pair of jugs is one of them of course.
  

On on to the On On.

Scribed by Cock Radio

Horror movies don’t scare me.

5 missed calls from the wife on the other hand…..

The Imperfect Pair of Jugs Run

Hares: Two Jugs and Imperfect Member.

Run Site: Labrador Park

On On: 99 Kitchen, South Buona Vista Rd

The Run:

We assembled at car park B, although some runners, including the Hares, tried car parks A, C, X, Y and Z. Check the map as usual. Especially if you are the Hare.

Goes Down Easy took off in a mad dash towards the toilet block in the park, taking Tiger Lily with her. Five males fell for their man trap and were destined for lipstick after only 100 metres.

Out to Labrador MRT, eventually heading up to Telok Blangah. Dragon Breath missed the short split and for the first time in her life did the long run, by mistake. Goes Down Easy was still sprinting like she needed to find a toilet urgently.

The ever reliable males, Comes Quietly, F#*ks Easy and Bugle Boy, kept some sanity in the lead group, although sanity was reduced with the appearance of Comes In Turd.

Sneaky Comer kept the midriff together, and was amply supported by Sunday visitors Krit and Ayam Zinking. Two notable absentees in this pack were the Kiwi ‘Walk and Talkers,’ Loose Marbles and Wet ‘n Wild.

Meanwhile, Not Good Enough kept his favourite position, up the rear, and together with Give Way, were the first to the drink stop. Ayam Kampong walked briskly admiring athletic bodies along the boardwalk.

The drink stop, on a boardwalk lookout over Kepell Bay, could be seen from the top of Mt. Faber, due to Imperfect Member and Suzee Wong (Drink Stop Master) wearing Boo’s bright orange National Day shirt. That was enough for Tiger Lily to head for Home, from the top of Mt. Faber, ignoring all resemblance of trail. How did Tiger Lily get home?

A wonderful setting for a drink stop. Except Not Good Enough and I were nearly hooked by a fisherman with a wayward cast.

The Circle:
Jack Off had everyone under control. And Croc Hunter had made friends with 3 policemen.

Crikey, so what did we think of that for a run? Too dry. Until the drink stop!

Tell us about your On On: Kitchen 99, 10 courses, $10. Sensational, thanks Hares.

Next Week’s Run: Belated Kiwi Run, Wet ‘n Wild, Loose Marbles – Blackmore Drive, on on Red Lantern. Will there be Herbal Chicken??

Guests: Bugle Boy, Julie, Ayam Zinking, Krit, Totally Unacceptable, Mati Hari, Dragon Breath, Foetus, Shipyard Flasher, Pooh Bag, Topless, Deep Throat.

Returnees:
Ayam Kampong. Comes In Turd (for coming in twenty turd).

Virgins: Yesss! Paul, Cindy.

Lipstick: Cock Radio, Ayam Zinking, Comes In Turd, Sneaky Comer.

Proceedings interrupted by a massive sort of fog horn sound. Stiffy owns up – ‘Indigestion.’ In and out calls ‘Going to starboard.’ Another cruise ship leaves Keppell Harbour. ‘Shooting Stars,’ calls Jack Off.

Tits: Two Jugs forgot she had a pair in demand.

Dick: Comes Quietly, for Gypsy, awards it to Goes Down Easy for setting a man trap out of the car park, using Topless and Dragon Breath as decoys.

Banana Protector: Father Anus , not here.

Awards – nope.

AOB:

• Sneaky Comer, after praising his wife the other week for finally having a sense of direction, calls in Wet ‘n Wild & Loose Marbles. Their direction finder failed miserably – they missed the drink stop.
  
• Cock Radio kept Wet ‘n Wild & Loose Marbles in – they were seen sprinting from the beer van to the drink stop when they recognized their error.
  
• Stiffy had a charge but I completely missed it. Sorry, please don’t sue.
  
• Sneaky Comer told how the Hares put the pin in the wrong car park on the website map. But our webmaster takes the blame, as being a male he failed to check on the female Hares sense of direction.
  
• Wet Brazilian charged the Hares anyway for getting the car park wrong.
  
• Dragon Breath did the long run for the first time in her life. She charged Krit for his false instructions.
  
• Goes Down Easy charged Krit also – he would not believe her about the on on location.
  
• Dragon Breath was charged for exposing herself and Krit gave her $50. He then asked for $20 change.
  
• Stiffy informed us that Adidas have withdrawn as sponsors of the World Cup – something to do with the girl in a g – string on the back being deemed offensive. Wet Brazilian takes the rap.
  
• In and Out suggested the caption under the g string girl may have caused the problem ‘Come to Brazil if you want to score.’
  
• The Boxer wonders what Pooh Bags real name is – Olive, Ping, Sleeping Beauty, or Joan? Who is she?
  
• Cock Radio got in Sunday runners Dragon Breath, Krit and Ayam Zinking for producing a wonderful T Shirt with unique spelling – ‘FEBUARY’
  
• Totally Unacceptable refers to the Budget. Price of alcohol to go up. Also no drinking in parks. And tonight we had 3 police question Croc Hunter on our motives. Croc Hunter offered them a drink and off they went.
  
• Sweet Thighs Birthday cake is presented to the tune of ‘Who ate all the cake…’
  

On on to the On On.

Scribed by Cock Radio

A Scottish woman goes to the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased Husband is published.

The obit editor informs her that there is a charge of 50 cents per word.

She pauses, reflects, and then she says, “Well, then, let it read, ‘Angus MacPherson died’.”

Amused at the woman’s thrift, the editor tells her that there is a seven word minimum for all obituaries.

She thinks it over and in a few seconds says, “In that case, let it read…….

‘Angus MacPherson died. Golf clubs for sale’.”

The Not Too Easy Birthday Run

Hares: Too Easy & Machine as a Boo look a like.

Mandai Quarry Rd.

On On: On site The Boxer

The Run:

This run reminded me of a pinball machine. We would run until we hit either a construction site fence, military camp fence or an expressway, at which we would ricochet and bounce off in a different direction. However, the quarry was a dark hole to be avoided as it would gobble up any runner and no amount of tilting would save them. It was appropriate that Pinball Wizard joined us as a guest.

Tiger Lily went down easy at one stage, having been conned by some childish male members.

Red Snapper grabbed the lead at one stage, which was a bit fishy. A few runners were reluctant to make the climb up a large hill, with Boo, allegedly a Hare, sticking to the road. Wrong.

Climbing the hill, we were given a great view of…. A new MRT depot.

Kan Not Kan gave me a detailed history of his running in this area. While intrigued by one particular episode, I put my foot in a pile of horrible looking orange goo. Jack Off couldn’t work out how to get across a little stream that was framed by mud on either side. She found a twig to use as a bridge, but it was structurally unsound.

The run took us on a mixture of made trails and jungle, all within a tight area. Eventually the drink stop was found, where beautifully chilled bottles of champagne and chocolates were appreciated by everyone after a 7.5km hit out. Good stuff everyone.

The Circle:
Jack Off quickly got things underway, leaving the scribe at the bar still refilling.

Crikey, so what did we think of that for a run? Too many Germans was heard. But definitely a great run.

Tell us about your On On: ‘Ladies and gentlemen, tonight’s On On will be free,’ announced Boo. The Boxers lasagna, salad, soup and entrée sausage rolls.

Next Week’s Run: Labrador Park, Two Jugs and Imperfect Member.

Guests: Machine, Bugle Boy, Marc, Slack Arse, Recipric#*t, Pinball Wizard.

Returnees:
nope.

Virgins: nope.

Lipstick: Recipric#*t, Father Anus, Bugle Boy, Comes Quietly.

Tits: Comes Quietly awards them to Gypsy, who at a Check deliberately sent Tiger Lily the wrong way. Well done lad.

Dick: Sweet Thighs saw Gypsy and Zipp in matching Chinese New Year shirts. But wait, they should not match, ladies had sleeves and men’s was singlet style. Yep, Gypsy had a shirt with sleeves, so he needs the Dick to be more of a man.

Banana Protector: Kan Not Kan suggests Comes Quietly, who once in this area got horribly lost and 6 search parties were needed to find him. Then there was Father Anus, who arriving late decided to play it safe and follow Boo. Little did he know that Boo was not a Hare and had no idea where the run went, resulting in them both getting lost. Don’t follow Boo. Mother Tongue, who is not as stupid as she looks, according to KNK is also listed. This resulted in a verbal Mother Tongue lashing for KNK. And finally Boo, a listed Hare, who turned up late in work clothes and his fly undone.

Father Anus wins for following Boo.

Awards – nope.

AOB:

• Father Anus has been absent for a while, but makes the effort to get here for the Birthday Run. He charges Boo for getting lost on his own run. Father Anus then dropped the banana protector and gave it to Kamala to repair – interesting choice…..
  
• Jack Off has Boo and Too Easy for birthday wishes and a Boxer cake.
  
• Fat Crashing Bastard gets in Too Easy and Jack Off for declaring that ‘you need to go all the way if you want quality….’
  
• Mother Tongue questions if Chris is a fake virgin?? After much probing and examining, it is decided that Chris will now forever be known as ‘Like a Virgin,’ and Jack Off uses the power infested in her to formalize this naming.
  
• Stiffy declares that relationships can be tricky. He was approached by a female on Monday who told him that hubby is away, join me for some fun on Wednesday……Stiffy was happy to oblige and said yes. Tuesday he received a call saying it’s all off. He was dumped for another man wearing blue pyjamas and who can’t speak English – Machine.
  

  And to make matters worse, he reads about the $300 Italian meal they shared on Wednesday after the recce.
  

• Slocum pities Fat Crashing Bastard and charges Too Easy for giving him 20 minutes of instructions on how to set up the drink stop.
  
• Bugle Boy told of some internet research he was doing. This led to something about Fat Crashing Bastard and Too Easy avoiding a car accident by standing in the middle of the road. I sort of missed it, sorry.
  
• Bugle Boy then told of a conversation between Quickie and Boo. Quickie, at home, heard a traffic alert on the radio and urgently rang Boo, who was driving home from work. ‘Boo, be careful, there’s a lunatic driving the wrong way on the CTE.’
  

  Boo frantically replied ‘There’s not just one, there’s hundreds of them.’
  

  This was told so well that Mother Tongue asked if it was true.
  

On on to the On On.

Scribed by Cock Radio

Whew!  What a Relief to Learn This

The Run Away Valentine Run

Blackmore Drive

Hares: Forced Entry & Nick Leeson

On On: The British Club

The Run:

Well, what a difference this week. Down onto the old railway line to a rather obvious check heading north (well I didn’t do it, anyway). Back south down the railway line and then into the bush and onto the OLD railway line – we haven’t been in there for ages and it shows, getting quite overgrown now.

A circle check on the line had us confused for a while, before trail to the west and above the old railway line sent us past all the downed trees. A scramble back onto the old railway line finally had us exiting at Corona Nursery on Clementi Road. We then went over the back of the nursery and up and down and around and around the forested area between Clementi and Ulu Pandan, at no point understanding exactly where we were. It was slow going in the rattan infested forest and eventually, around 7pm, we emerged surprised on the old KTM railway line for a short trot home.

Awesome use of the forest, no-one knew where they were, and everyone got back safely – all within about 2km².

The Circle:
Jack Off, perhaps having read last week’s newsletter, was a little more circumspect in calling the circle, to the point that few knew it was starting. Eventually the cats were herded. Hares in the circle. Where is Forced Entry? Off to some other crucial appointment, apparently. On in Nick Leeson.

Crikey, so what did we think of that for a run? Too many bees, not enough hornets, not enough hills or jungle. Someone got poked on the trail. Very nice to have a jungle run, excellent run declared. One of the best this year, committee, hint hint.

Tell us about your On On: Verandah of the British Club, there will be valentine’s decorations and Chicken Curry, $15. I think we had about 25 people.

Next Week’s Run: Too Easy is in to set expectations low for next week’s run, or that’s what it sounded like. She hasn’t seen her co-hare for weeks. Every other hash that has run at the run site has been ok but Too Easy was immediately accosted by armed guards as she did her recce last weekend. There is the possibility of bird flu, leptospirosis, itchy chicken, plagues of locusts, a tidal flood, and a financial meltdown. With expectations set, a trot around the parking lot will get run of the year J. And there will be a champagne stop! Anyway, Mandai Quarry Road is the run site.

Guests: Mata Hari, Totally Unacceptable, King Lear, Nick Leeson, Poo Bag, Knobby Boy Scout, Mike, Dead Fish, and Fetus turned up after the run in a cocktail dress.

Returnees:
nope.

Virgins: Susan and Liz both turned up for the run in cocktail dresses. Two Jugs was brought in for a drink for giving them incomplete information about the event. Yes, we were going to the British Club for a Valentine’s dinner. BUT, you were supposed to get all sweaty in the forest first.

Lipstick: Knobby Boy Scout, Dead Fish, Nick Leeson, Comes Quietly, and F$5ckin’ Easy.

Jackoff has Tits and Banana Protector so exercises her right as GM to use up all the easy charges to get rid of them.

Tits: During the run briefing, the hares issued a caution that there was old paper in the forest, but the pack should only follow trail where new paper had been laid over the old. One of the hashers running with Jackoff had been carefully inspecting all the paper, and at one point objected to what looked like old paper…”we are not on trail”. “What about the new flour right by your feet”, replied Jackoff. Tits went to (mmmm should have written it down) Comes Quietly?

Banana Protector: Jack Off unfortunately observed Knobby Boy Scout getting changed, and he was really getting changed. Kannot Kan bravely stepped in to protect the scene with a towel, and was accused of Bromance. KK gets the Banana Protector.

Dick: Sneaky Comer has the Dick which was actually passed from Trash to Cock Radio to Sneaky last week. Who promptly left it somewhere, fortunately it was Lost Marbles car. Anyway, Sneaky pointed out that Two Jugs had sent an email during the day, asking if hash attire was appropriate for the British Club. Sneaky had replied that he hoped it was ok because he certainly wasn’t getting all dressed up. However, the secret society of lady hashers had obviously been planning a glammed up night out, and he brought in Wet ‘n Wild, virgins Liz and Susan (wearing an LBD, as it happened) and a few others. Sweet Thighs was not only wearing a Little (insert your colour here, Sneaky is colour blind) Dress, it was actually hash attire. Sweet Thighs was awarded the Dick for sartorial elegance.

Awards – nope.

AOB:

• Ayam Kampong was impressed that Forced Entry had recce’d such a complex run in the forest, until she found out that Nick Leeson had helped out. Was he subbing for Virginia Slim. Nick gets a drink for subbing.
  
• Sweet Thighs is inspired by the bromance charge. On arriving at the run site, she saw Sneaky Comer and Comes Quietly getting changed. Sneaky was being very discreet and covering up thoroughly with a towel, while CQ had it all out there. Both got a drink, along with Wet ‘n Wild for keeping a well educated husband.
  
• Kannot Kan observes that sometimes it is easy to define how old someone is on the hash. If, for example, you have to ask “Nick Leeson” why he doesn’t have a hash name, you haven’t been around the hash or Singapore for very long. Goes Down Easy is accused of being young. That said, when KK first met Nick Leeson, he resembled the real Nick Leeson AND asked KK for money. [Ed: apologies to KK, this was a very funny charge and the write up doesn't do it justice]. And, for those in the dark, read this: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nick_Leeson
  
  

On on to the On On.

Scribed by Sneaky Comer

Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each. The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them.

The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.

Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.

In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers; “Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each.”

The villagers rounded up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys.

They never saw the man nor his assistant, only monkeys everywhere!

Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works.