The ‘Two Trails for the Price of One Run.’
Hares: Stiffener and Stiff.
Where: 10 Maida Vale
On On: On site Tandoori Chicken, Pitas, Brownies and Ice Cream.
The Run
Well the omens were out in force before this run. Stiffy was looking sheepish and the hares commenced the explanation saying “in spite of Stiffy’s best efforts to screw up the run….”. The pack headed off the wrong direction led by Tiger Lily within 50m, and then spent a fruitless few minutes looking over someone’s back fence of the on at the first check. Eventually the hares put us straight out to a little loop through the west of the camp before we got back to the Jalan Kayu flyover. Off over towards the Farmway, a clever circle check had us messing around for a while before another hare hint got us on trail (for the last time for some) on the canal heading south.
At this point, it all went to custard, for some. Of course it was Tiger Lily leading the pack. Of course she didn’t see the paper trail along the bottom of the hill and led the pack up the stairs to the top. Of course, at the top of the hill there was very visible paper high in the trees. Unfortunately, it was bike hash paper, from Sunday. Off charged the front runners, the frantic calls of the hare apparently unheard, confidently following paper and not to be see again until after 8pm (a lot after 8pm in some cases).
Those of us with ears open retraced our steps to lower down the hill to find real paper, which led down to Sengkang West Way. Front runner Too Easy reveled in a slightly more sedate pace than usual, with FRB’s like Tiger Lily and Posh Nash off on their way to Yio Chu Kang, or somewhere. At this point we encountered the walky talkies hiding behind a tree, obviously given a short-cut by the second hare. South on Fernvale a T-check delayed anyone who was running, and then into a forested area with none of the usual front running suspects – in fact it was Dances With Kerbs leading the way, all the while calling “I need a woman” or “I need a stretcher”. The trail eventually led us down to Sungei Punggol canal/river/swamp/sewage works, where for once a circle check was predictable and we headed up the canal. At this point the hares took the piss by taking us across the wetlands board walk and then for a nice long T-check along the park connector, at which even Stiffy had a little whinge. Finally it was across the Anchorvale Bridge (I say finally because we finally felt we had turned towards home at about 6:55).
At this point it was just a short 3km push on home, through Sengkang Park, through the forest out on to the construction road just south of the TPE (at this point it was only Too Easy, Stiffy, and Sneaky Comer still on trail), and on to a circle check at 7:15pm. Stuff this, we thought, we’re going straight, so we followed the overgrown construction road up to Jalan Kayu. Number of runners doing the whole trail: 0. Number of relieved hares: 1 – Stiff was later to enquire whether we had fallen down any of those deep wells in the forest on the home trail, the answer being “no mate, at that point we took a straight line home, stuff your final circle check”. Front runners home about 7:20, nearly on trail.
For the regular, deaf and blind, front runners out in Yio Chu Kang somewhere, your trail report is available at http://www.twa.com.sg/sbh/pdf_ride_reports/2011/ride_report_414.pdf. For some, your pathway home is available at http://www.cdgtaxi.com.sg. For those who are curious about where the real run went, here you go (from memory, not GPS, 8.2km according to the map):
The Circle: The GM is still out running the bike hash. Big Head is still out running the bike hash. Half the pack is missing. What to do, what to do? Eventually Wet ‘n Wild is cajoled into starting the circle about 8:40pm. Just a minute, we can’t find the hares either.
Crikey, so what did we think of that for a run? Somehow or other what’s left of the pack award this a “good run”. Wait a minute, shouldn’t we count postal votes before declaring the result of this election? Half the electorate is missing in action. Anyway, thanks Stiffener and Stiff, take a down down. (It was a nice run, if just a tad long).
Tell us about your On On: On site, Lennie’s Chicken Tandoori Pitas with salad, potatoes; and brownies and ice cream for desert.
Next week’s run: Vigilante Drive Car Park B (that would be the top one), with the on on at 99 Buona Vista Kitchen (you know the one, down South Buona Vista Road sor of opposite the supermarket etc). Hares are Slippery Bum and Two Jugs.
Visitors / Returnees: We have a comprehensive list this week, since my rude comment from last week (the list was actually in MY handbag), so Stiffener has made sure I have it by handing over a piece of paper, sending the list by email, and having it delivered by certified courier. Phew. Welcome Ayam Zinking, Stiffler, Belcher, Liz, Rachel, Who The Fuck Is Christine, Richa, Vibrator, 824, Malfunction, Jacqueline, and Next Time (who seemed to spend her time around the beer truck in civvies, perhaps a good choice on this occasion). Welcome back to Posh Duck, returnee.
Virgins: We had a lucky virgin this week, welcome Priscilla. Did she enjoy the run? Good for her marathon training, I guess.
Lipstick: The stand in GM didn’t bother with lipstick tonight; it was a bit of a case of every man for himself – if you can get home before 9pm, we don’t care who you were running in front of.
Tits: Twin Towers was out on the bike hash still and Comes Quietly was out in the car looking; but Sneaky Comer could see a pretty good opportunity so came in to award the virtual tits (which became real as Comes Quietly arrived back just in time). On in the hares for 20 questions:
· To Stiff, “how long have you been married?” Oh never mind, men never know….
· To Stiffener “how long have you been married?” Answered, specifically, let’s just say long enough.
· To Stiffener “what did you say about the length of the run while setting it?” Answer “I think it’s a bit too long”.
· To Stiffener “and what was your partner’s response?”
· Stiff “I have been setting hashes for years, I know what I am doing, you need to learn from my experience” (or something like that).
Tits go to Stiff. Even after xx years of marriage, he still doesn’t know that his wife is ALWAYS right, even when she isn’t. Give them both a drink.
Dick: A Dickless run again.
Awards – None, tonight!
AOB:
· Stiff has an immediate grudge. “Tonight’s run was a …..” at which Jackoff chimes in quickly with “cockup”. “OK, well slight mixup” continues Stiff. He wants Big Head in the circle now that she has returned from the bike hash. Why? Well we set the exact same run for the Valentine’s Day party, together, and Stiff told Big Head that before the run. So why did she head off in another direction with the front runners? Give her a drink.
· Malfunktion has just returned looking tired and wants to know if he can go home please.
· Belcher complains that two years ago, he came to a run at this site, with the same hares, which promised to be the last one ever. Give a note to the dishonest hares.
· Stiffy points out that Singapore has been having problems with its neighbours, and he needs two Singaporean women in to demonstrate. Jackoff and Double Back are asked to demonstrate stipping and squatting for the Malaysian immigration department, but decline the first bit so are required to squat and be chopped. (See http://www.straitstimes.com/BreakingNews/Singapore/Story/STIStory_679677.html)
· Not Tonight points out that Sneaky Comer has been traveling a bit lately. Apparently on coming home recently, he found a strange (not his) watch on his nightstand. Hallo hallo, Wet ‘n Wild, he asks “who has been sleeping in my bed?” The answer, it transpires, is Wet Brazilian. On in Wet ‘n Wild, Wet Brazilian (who has now returned from the bike hash) and Sneaky Comer for a threesome. Wet Brazilian wants to know the next time Sneaky Comer is scheduled to be away.
· Stiff has Tiger Lily in and points out that she too did the Valentine’s Day run and should have known where the run went.
· Sneaky Comer calls Stiff back in. For some reason Stiffy enters the circle, must have a guilty conscience. Anyway, once we have established it should be Stiff, Sneaky Comer points out that Stiff still doesn’t seem to have learned anything in his journey through life. Stiff has been made two charges tonight, both charging women for messing up the run by not having a sense of direction. Ummm….does any more need to be said?
· Hooray kindly points out that Big Head, Open to the Floor, and one of our visitors came home by cab. Give them a drink, it was probably a good choice though.
· Gypsy saw someone being mean to one of our longer standing members tonight. Sybil encountered Stiffy as we entered the shiggy off Fernvale Road, and asked him “where is JJ (Dances with Kerbs)?” Stiffy’s reply: “she can’t be in here, she’s too much of a sissy to come into the shiggy”. He aught to be publically pissed on….
· At this point Wet Brazilian has recovered sufficiently from the ordeal to take over the circle.
· Stiffy has had enough of being blamed for messing up the run. He claims he did call the hares this morning, telling them the bike hash had been in the area, and offering to let them know where the trail went. They declined to know, he says. Give them a drink.
· The circle treated the previous charge with complete disdain, shouting down Stiffy and insisting that representatives of the bike hash get a drink for leaving (it must be said) very long streamers of paper lying around – Stiffener and Wet ‘n Wild are quick to present the evidence. Stiffy and Too Easy are charged.
· Wet Brazilian piles on to Stiffy, pointing out that “you are so boring, someone has been on the phone for 15 minutes while you have been talking”. On in Next Time, get off the phone!
· Ad Nauseum had his night made when he found “two (old) ladies lost on trail, Jackoff and Two Jugs”. There was a bit of dissent about referring to them as old, but Ad Nauseum carried on ad nauseum, regardless. Anyway, out on the bike hash trail, unsure of how to find their way home, Ad Nauseum dragged out his old Boy Scout experience and pointed out that “if the sun is over there, that must be West, so that direction is East, and North, and South, and so on. So which direction do we need to go to get home?” Answer from Jackoff, “South”. Umm, no Jackoff, you can’t get much further north than Seletar, so that is the direction we need to go. Give the directionless ones a note. [Editor’s note: is that a third charge about a woman and a sense of direction? J].
· Ad Nauseum announces that Kampong Hash is this Saturday.
· Sybil asked Stiff at the start of the run “is this long, short, will there by much shiggy, etc?” And while Stiff has been charging Big Head and Tiger Lily with no sense of direction, out on trail he directed Sybil in the direction of the bike hash!!!
· Vibrator wants to do a charge. Ugly Bum intervenes quickly “don’t mess it up, and don’t offend anyone”. With those words ringing in his ears (or probably not), Vibrator reports there was a burning tree out on the bike hash trail, on in Tiger Lily for setting it on fire as she blazed past.
· Zipp wants to know why Stiffler did the bike hash trail when his parents set the trail? Didn’t he get some inside knowledge? Stiff nearly gets in more trouble by remarking that Stiffler “has his mother’s genes”.
· Boo hasn’t been charged tonight. Stiffy decides to rectify that. Apparently while Boo was out following the front runners on the bike hash trail, he saw the chalk markings “SBH”. His reaction, “we’re f%^&ed”.
[Editor’s question to front runners: you are following Tiger Lily, there hasn’t been a check for approximately 2km, and the chalk markings say SBH – what’s wrong with this picture???]
On on to the Lennie’s food.
Scribed by Sneaky Comer.