Singapore Hash House Harriets

Jalan Lam Sam

Hares: Zipp & Gypsy

On On: Cheng’s Seafood at Farmart

The Circle:

The brand spanking new GM squeals out to the masses to form a circle: Jack Off asked everyone ever so politely to form a circle but for some reason, the men went to one side and the women went to the other and neither group could organize themselves properly. Strangely, the Grand Mistress took objection more to the odd shape of the circle rather than the spread of people. She loudly pronounced “I don’t care about size, just the shape.” I hope she was talking about the circle.

 

Crikey, so what did we think of that for a run? Zipp & Gypsy were called in to accept the accolades of all hashers who loudly and unanimously proclaimed the run as the best one they had ever been on. Shouts of “Run of the Year”, “Most Unique Run”, “Shortest Run” and “Best On On” were clearly heard by this scribe.

 

Tell us about your On On: at Cheng’s Seafood at Farmart.

 

Next week’s run: It’s a birthday run for Too Easy & Fat Crashing Bastard at Lorong Sesuai which means only one thing. Chocolate! And champagne. And surprises. And a great on on. Okay, that means four things.

 

Guests
Returnees Guests: Long story. Hanging around with the ladies tonight was Golden Shower, Dimples, Eric, Dead Fish, Big Bear Breath, Comes Slowly, Krit and Four Play.

 

Returnees: Virginia Slim – just like a bad penny, he keeps getting stuck in the gum ball machine.

 

Virgins: Phillip turned up for the first time and several of the longer term associate members objected to presence. Please, let’s try harder to get in some female virgins. Please!

 

New Members: Wee Willie & EMP. Much to the amusement of the masses, Wet Pet started a new Harriet’s tradition of properly welcoming new members with a kiss. It was shocking how many other Harriets felt obliged to follow suit.

 

Almost New Member Again: Tiger Lily’s return was celebrated by everyone except the hares whose run was suddenly deemed too short before it even started.

 

Lipstick: From veteran to virgin, it seemed like no one remembered the rules. EMP, Phillip, HooRay, Eric and Comes Slowly got busted.

 

Tits: Stiffy asked Fat Crashing Bastard why he was sitting during the circle. FCB replied that he had a bad back. “Imagine how bad it would be if you had to wear the monster tits for the whole following week”, Stiffy retorted. FCB was spared though because Stiffy had far worse problems than jealousy over someone sitting during the circle. It seems Stiffy spent the prior week hitting the social circuit and running into Shoe Shopper every single day. I can think of worse things to happen to a person but Stiffy swore it was hell and blamed Comes Quietly for leaving town and thus removing the garlic necklace from Singapore’s neck which protected us from vampires and Shoe Shoppers alike.

 

Dick: EMP had three potential candidates for the Dick including Big Bear Tits for confusing the hash by repeatedly finding the on trail and calling all runners to follow him while they were actually following instructions of the hare in preparation for the very unique and well planned live-hare-long-run loop. Boxer was another candidate but it turns out that EMP didn’t have a charge for her. He just wanted to see her face in better light. Gypsy was the final candidate and he was accused of trying to mislead the Harriets who missed the run by not only being the great co-hare that he is and setting a perfect run but he is also the scribe this week and pre-planned whatever lies about the run that he pleased. Boxer was clearly voted the recipient but Gypsy did the right thing and saved her by gratefully taking the award as his own.

 

Banana Keeper: Too Easy noted that Gypsy’s live hare long run loop was unique but also daring. With the way he runs (like a hippopotamus in mud) he was sure to be caught and forced to reveal part of his anatomy. The protection of the banana could not be put to better use.

 

Awards – nope.

 

AOB:

• The Grand Mistress / Hash Cash pointed out that 1) subs are due and 2) she wants a new car soon. Therefore please pay up quickly.
  
• Not Tonight asked Fr. Anus into the circle to introduce him to EMP. Fr. Anus seemed unreasonably happy when earlier in the run, he heard EMP’s full name. Why? Because he was hungry. Huh? His name is Eat My Peanuts, right? Ummmm, no Father. I believe the final word is “Penis”. Never mind then, Father Anus was no longer hungry.
  
• Father Anus asked EMP to stay in the circle for two reasons. First, he wanted to double check that EMP had no peanuts. Also, he noticed that EMP was constantly letting his head breathe a bit by occasionally taking off the ceremonial Dick. Fr. Anus pointed out that condoms of all sized are designed specifically to NOT be “aired out” while in use as that would lead to unwanted consequences.
  
• The Yanks (and one Reb) were called into the circle again this week to celebrate the 236 year since Ben Franklin got home and ranted to his chambermaid about that egotistical bastard, John Hancock, who made twenty – now forgotten – patriots sign on the back side of the Declaration of Independence.
  
• Stiffy called in Shoe Shopper, in absentia, for being a terrorist. Show Shopper, a well known cat hater, was forced by her children to get a photo of the former family cat which was left behind in Singapore with Wet Pet. It has taken Wet Pet many months of providing therapy to get the cat to be normal after she inherited it but on the night after Shoe Shopper’s visit, the cat quickly regressed in to his terrorized state and promptly peed on the sleeping Mr. Wet Pet. Based on Stiffy’s early charge, I would be surprised if Stiffy didn’t wet his pants by seeing Shoe Shopper so much.
  
• Fat Crashing Bastard asked Hooray and Tiger Lily to stand back to back in the circle. He then asked everyone which one they thought needed two full bottles of water to shower and which one needed SIX bottles. The best reply was that the obvious answer was that the person who needed six bottles was the one who ran three times as fast as the two bottle person.
  
• Virginia Slim asked hashers to keep an eye out for the evil vice which has recently infiltrated our band of merry runners. Please call CPIB if you notice anyone in our midst who is betting, particularly which inside information. Thanks to Comes First, several hashers, including Sybil, Dances with Kerbs, Forced Entry and Zipp made over $100,000 last week at the horse track.
  
• EMP wondered why Fat Crashing Bastard held his beer on his head throughout his most recent charge. Apparently, the pose reminded EMP of the garden gnome back at his childhood home. EMP must have grown up in a tough neighborhood.
  
• Tiger Lily explained that she had been away in Tokyo recently after her long recovery of a leg injury. She ran on the hash there and got conned into the being a last minute live hare after a downpour when the hare was too tired to relay the run. Comes Slowly and Deaf Dish were called in to represent lazy Tokyo hashers.
  
• Sybil quickly and concisely retold a brief story of how Zipp got her lost on the run tonight. Fortunately, Zipp had left a trail of pee that helped her find her way back to the circle, rather than to the corner of Jurong Track 22 and the PIE. Again.
  
• EMP called in Krit & Father Anus for breaking the bridge over the creek that the hares had taken such care to build. Those fat buggers made it difficult for the slow people like Comes Slowly to later cross the water and remain dry. Too Easy pointed out that Fat Crashing Bastard is still the best at breaking bridges and living up to his name.
  
• Amen.
  

 

Scribed by Gypsy

Senkang Riverside Park

Hares: Stiffener & Stiff

On On: 10 Maida Vale

Before the Run: Before the run even started, Pubic Zipp called for an Exciting General Meeting. It turns out that she is bailing on us after a few weeks and we need a new Grand Mistress. Up steps Jack Off to take over but now we need a new Hash Cash. Up steps Forced Entry but now we need a new girlfriend for Virginia Slim. Up steps Sybil but now we need a new Queen Emeritus of the Hash. Up steps Stiffy but…. Oh, never mind.

 

The Circle:

 

After the run, the GM shouts to the masses: The Pubic Zipp called the circle to order and asked for the hare. Okay, Stiff was not around so we’ll get back to that later.

 

Next week’s run: Okay, the Pubic One forgot this so we’ll come back to it later.

 

Visitors: Golden Shower, War & Peace of Shit, Penile Extension, EMP, Nura, Comes Slowly and Totally Unacceptable.

 

A slight interruption of the circle happened when War & Piece of Shit (Soul Hash) came into the circle to award a custom made t-shirt to the birthday boy, ie Stiff.

 

Returnees: Virginia Slim, Wet Patch, Shoe Shopper, Herr Zipp and, somehow, Pubic Zipp who came back to the hash after a long hiatus of a week. I also wrote down the words “wonder off” after the above list. If anyone knows what that means, let me know.

 

Virgins: Yvonne, Christian & Joanna braved the mud today. Two out of three approved. Whore & Piece of Shit interrupted to give some custom patches to the hash brew and ex-hash brew.

 

Lipstick: Pubic Zipp was keen to use up the last of her lipstick before her pending departure so most of the men were called into the circle. Offending offenders included Wet Patch, Warren Peace of Shit, Totally Unacceptable, Penile Extension, EMP, Comes Slowly and, shockingly, Herr Zipp.

 

Hares: Finally Stiff and Stiffener were around and gladly accepted the shouts of “good run” that echoed through the valley – right after they said the on on was at their house and it would be totally free. Damn good run.

 

Were End Peace of Shit interrupted to give another shirt to the disappearing Grand Mistress.

 

Dick: Loose Change came into the circle in full hash regalia. She was appalled by the fact that Christian did the very un-Christian act on the run of leading her down the garden path. Apparently it was the wrong garden path so the virgin ended up going home with a dick on his head.

 

Tits: Loose Change also needed to relieve herself of the Tits so she called in Fat Crashing Bastard to chastise him for either flashing her or being flashed by her and not being impressed. I could not remember which, but either way, he was in trouble. Despite FCB’s transgressions, the Tits went to Stiffy for taking grass up the backside. At least that’s what I heard. At this point, Warren Peas of Shit interrupted to give Forced Entry a custom t-shirt.

 

New Member: nope.

 

Next week’s run: El Pubico was reminded that next week’s run had to be announced so Zipp and Gypsy came in to direct people to Jalan Lam Sam off Bricklands Road / KJE for the run next week.

 

Banana Keeper: Herr Zipp noted that War & Piss of Shit has been in the circle more than the GM, has given out more t-shirts than the Haberdash and issued more drink coupons that the Hash Brew. Could he join the committee? Mr. Zipp then called in three women who clearly need the protection of the banana, ie, Two Easy who drinks her port with a wasp in it for the free botox treatments; and, Comes First who needed an iceberg to fix her ankle after the run; and Slightly Stiff whose puffy eyes exposed her allergy to men. Two Easy won the award.

 

Before Herr Zipp could give out the banana keeper award, War & Piss of Shit interrupted again to give out another custom t-shirt to ………

 

Awards – nope.

 

AOB:

• The Pubic Queen called in the owner of the left-over keys. It turns out that Alzheimer’s has already started for the birthday boy as Stiff meekly walked in to claim the keys.
  
• Wet Pet called Stiff back into the circle to point out how poorly Americans spell. The t-shirt that Where & Pees of Styte gave Stiff looked like it was proofread by some non-native English speaker such as a Korean or something.
  
• Fat Crashing Bastard called in the new Grand Mistress, Jack Off, for already exercising her new authority and, possibly unwittingly, changed Virginia Slim’s name to Vagina Slim. She was half right.
  
• Were & Pee’s of Shit raced into the circle to pull a t-shirt out of his sack for Jack Off. After the new GM’s stripper show, she managed to get in to the shirt and allowed the men to go off for a cold shower.
  
• Pubic Zipp officially handed over the lipstick to Jack Off and, amazingly, Ware & P’s of Shit didn’t come back into the circle for a whole minute.
  
• Not Tonight kept the Pubic One in the circle for a proper hash send off to Florida. It was noted that PZ would not only lower the average age of Floridians by several years but that she would now take over the title of Florida’s Sexiest Runner.
  
• Jack Off didn’t let Pubic Zipp out of the circle. Way, way back at the AGM (was it really more than a month ago?), PZ asked Jack Off for support and to take the position of Hash Cash. Jack Off just didn’t realize how much support that she was getting conned into.
  
• Not Tonight kept the Pubic One in the circle YET AGAIN and reminded her of the first time that Not Tonight laid her eyes upon the Pubic One – or is it the “Public” One? The Zipps were stretching in preparation for a run in the very public Bishan Park when they then turned around and squatted / spread-eagled to pee behind the tiniest of bushes. Not Tonight finally found out that Americans are not as prudish as she thought.
  
• That was the cue for War & Peeze of Shit to come in to the circle to bestow upon Pubic Zipp the Pineapple Award. Don’t worry, I was confused too.
  
• Slocum asked War & Peace of Shit into the circle for debunking one of Slocum’s most cherished childhood beliefs. With W&PoS’s never ending sack of goodies constantly making an appearance in the circle, Slocum finally figured out that Santa Claus was not a jolly old ang moh with a white beard, he was actually a brother from the Bronx, working not with elves at the North Pole but with some slave labor in Korea. W&PoS confessed that he was actually just trying to promote the 2086 Joint Korean Interhash.
  
• All the Yanks and Virginia Slim (a Reb) got called in for a celebratory drink for their Independence Day.
  
• Stiff got a birthday cake just seconds before EMP called in Comes First for pole dancing around the trees during the run. Apparently one of the trees fought back.
  
• Whore & Pees of Shit noted that he had a Bastille Day birthday coming up so he wanted to give out some more presents. The new Hash Cash got a shirt and a patch went to Dances with Kerbs for admitting that she had only recently turned 40.
  
• Jack Off noted that there were four new weekly flights from Melbourne to Singapore so we expected to see Shoe Shopper and Wet Patch back more often on the run. War & Piece of Shyte thought that was worth another t-shirt for Shoe Shopper who very, very reluctantly relented to the calls of Off! Off! Off! After a full minute of dancing around the circle in her bra like some ex-teacher not worried about what any students might see, she donned the new gift.
  
• EMP called in Penile Extension and Boxer, not for arriving by taxi but for insisting that the driver pull forward the last two meters to the beer truck so that they would not have to walk so far. I guess they were just conserving energy for the run.
  
• EMP called in Loose Change for giving the Dick to a virgin who may or may not return with it next week. Wet Pet thanked him for volunteering to take over the award and make sure it was around for the expected great run at Jalan Lam Sam.
  

   

Scribed by Gypsy

End of Tagore Road

Hares: Comes First & Pubic Zipp & Herr Zipp

On On: Jew Kit Concept Coffee Shop on corner of Tagore Road

The Run:

I must say this was a very well recce’d run. Very well recce’d by Comes Quietly, that is, a few Friday’s and Saturday’s ago. The hares were very creative in setting the run in essentially the reverse direction, which made the clamber down the steep slope with a cut down tree very interesting, particularly when you are a little bit tired. Very nice use of the available forest trails though, and enough tricks to keep sneaky bastards at the back.

 

The Circle:

 

Crikey, so what did we think of that for a run? Good run is all I have written down, I think the GM caught me with my pants down and I had to scramble to get writing.

 

Tell us about your On On: Next door at the interestingly named “Jew Kit Concept” coffee shop.

 

Next week’s run: It’s a birthday run for Stiff. Normally this would be at Seletar but apparently they have built a road over the run site in the last few days, so we will have to start at Sengkang Riverside Park. On on will be at 10 Maida Vale.

 

Guests: Eric, Tyler, Penile Extension, Golden Shower, Stiff, Jim, EMP

 

Returnees: Virginia, Deep Throat, and Sybil.

 

Virgins: Eric and David. Special mention for David who was a virgin hare. The GM does her best to discourage the virgins from returning by asking them to sing a song or tell a joke. David declines and gives the GM a kiss. Eric has a joke:

    Son walks in on Mummy getting out of shower, points at her boobs and asks her “what are those?”

    Mum: “ask your father”.

    Son: “Dad, what are those things on Mummies’ chest?”

    Dad: “Those are her balloons, son”.

    A few weeks later, son comes running into the study….

    Son: “Dad, Dad, come quick, Mum’s in trouble. Uncle Geoff is trying to suck the air out of her balloons”.

 

Herr Whip: Herr Zipp complains that the GM skipped the Hare Whip. He is reminded that is Friday and gets a drink.

 

New Member: Nope.

 

Dick: Loose Change left the Dick in her wardrobe so gets a drink.

 

Lipstick: EMP, Tyler, and the two virgins (just because), and Herr Zipp.

 

Tits: Stiffy comes in whinging for a change, he was “unfairly” given the tits last week. He has obviously been scouring the newspapers because he found an obscure story about 27 people in Portugal given suspended sentences for playing bingo for biscuits. As if this logic wasn’t tortuous enough, somehow Loose Change got the tits as an honorary Portuguese. Go figure.

 

Awards – nope.

 

AOB:

• Deep Throat got a lift to the hash with Loose Change. On arrival, she couldn’t open the door, press a button and turned the windshield wipers on, then bounced off the steering wheel. She is having a blonde day, not a blonde moment!
  
• FCB overheard an interesting conversation tonight: Loose Change, Stiffener, JJ, and Stiffy. “See that big one, lean over and dangle both feet”.
  
• Herr Zipp has a bad joke about a mouse: Loose Change went away, came back, she has changed and so she is Der Fliedermouse. He gets a drink for a bad pun.
  
• Penile Extension wants the Singaporeans in the circle: Dances with Kerbs, Zipp, Deep Throat, Sybil. Now this is a very organized country, so when the haze started there were ads on TV about how to put a mask on correctly. So why did so many people have them on upside down?
  
• Virginia Slim has a hysterical hysterectomy historical story. Apparently the gravel road we ran down used to go to (somewhere) but was cut in two by the SLE years ago. Penile Extension got his name there, and Not Tonight also lost her virginity there. Here’s to old farts!
  
• Tyler is very concerned about the health impacts of running in the haze. His colleague, EMP, was giving him tips: “lie on the couch, call up pizza delivery, and eat the whole thing. After all, it’s unhealthy to be outside”. Give the healthy pizza boy a note.
  
• Too Easy noted FCB using a real name earlier in the circle. Who the heck is JJ? Well everyone knows, but she is actually Dances with Kerbs.
  
• Sybil comes in to complain about her kids. They don’t listen to her. Every time her son came to visit her after her accident, she told him to have a beer. He said “no”. So she was pleased tonight when Eric, the young lonely sailor, listened to her – every time she told him to have a beer, he went and got one. At least someone listens to her.
  
• Penile Extension charges the members of the American Navy, Tyler and EMP, with being in jungle camouflage gear. Should they be in blue?
  
• Which reminds Loose Change of her recent discovery of a dead body in a tree in Bukit Batok. What does a tree take on holiday? Kamelaoflage.
  
• Since the GM, Pubic Zipp, is leaving next week she takes it on herself to bankrupt the hash by bringing in everyone who hasn’t been charged yet.
  
• Which prompts the first of what will be many many farewell drinks for Pubic Zipp and Herr Zipp.
  

 

And on that note, it’s on on on to the Jew Kit Concept, I kid you not.

Scribed by Sneaky Comer

Blackmore Drive

Hares: Lost Marbles & Sticky Ring

On On: The Red Lantern

The Run:

A small crowd gathered, gas masks in hand, in the murky haze created by Indonesian land clearing. Lucky we didn’t have to run Friday, where the pollution index got so high they had to change the reporting system.

 

A surprising run, normally from this location we at least try out the old railway line. Well we did, but the new old railway line not the old old railway line. Off down Blackmore Drive to Bukit Timah Road and left into the new old railway line, where a T sent us back over the old railway bridge over BT Road and up towards Rifle Range Road. We then headed into the reserve and onto the Durian Trail, the hares doing a great job of inconspicuous markings (in some cases very inconspicuous). Popping out onto Jalan Kampong Chantek, we then headed down towards the British Club, where are few of us lost trail. We were reliably informed it went in through the Swiss Club gates, down to turf city, and then home (eventually) by way of Eng Neo and Old Holland Road.

 

The Circle:

 

Crikey, so what did we think of that for a run? “Too Short, Too much toilet paper” otherwise a good run.

 

Tell us about your On On: The world famous Red Lantern for $12. We ended up with two tables despite only about 10 people running.

 

Next week’s run: “Where is Kannot Kan”? Well he is not here, and won’t be here next week either, so someone else needs to set the run. In steps Pubic Zipp and Herr Zipp who will help Comes First set her virgin run, at Tagore Road (end of). Check the map, as there are about 20 road names with Tagore in them and only one of them is where the run site will be.

 

Visitors / Returnees: King Leer, Golden Shower, Dimples, Dead Fish, Jim, Stiff.

 

Virgins: Comes First brought a virgin, Lauren, who seemed to be off the speedy variety. She was also being distracted by Stiffy who spent most of the circle talking to her. When razzed about that, Stiffy said “She’s young enough to be my daughter”. Grand-daughter, more like. The GM made sure she wouldn’t return by asking her to sing a song or tell a joke. Being a good sport, she sang “I’m a Little Teapot”, with actions. Wonder if she is a kindergarten teacher?

 

Dick: Too Easy was away so Stiffy had the Dick again. He had an easy charge despite having biked rather than run – as he left his chair at the end of the run to get a beer, Loose Change stole his chair. This is not the sort of behavior he expects from the Harriets.

 

Tits: Slocum rode as well. He has only one candidate, Stiffy. After taking Slocum home for a shower, he then completely ignored him during the circle and talked to the virgin instead.

 

Lipstick: Stiff, Gypsy, Sneaky Comer and Jim. [Ed: all called in by Wet 'n Wild who must need glasses because we carefully stayed behind her on our short cut home. Oh well, never mind].

 

New Member: nope.

 

Tits V2: Pubic Zipp has been going through the cupboards at home throwing things out in preparation for their upcoming move. She found a second pair of tits that she had gotten her son to buy in New Orleans. These are a bit kinky, nipple ring and all. Pubic Zipp, making things up as she goes along, feels these should be rotating tits during the circle. Not Tonight wants them, while Herr Zipp “thought he heard a nipple ring”.

 

Awards – nope.

 

AOB:

• So Not Tonight wants to give away the second tits. She had asked Stiffy where tonight’s run was and he didn’t know. However, she wants to give the tits2 to one of the nurses who set tonight’s run. Given that the haze PSI reading is 172 (unhealthy), these sensible nurses should have canceled the run. Who gets the tits? The nurse who fondles breasts all day, Sticky Ring.
  
• Stiffy was watching sport on TV and noted a stuff up in National Anthems recently, so he wants a Kiwi, an Aussie, and a Dutchman in. The kiwi correctly hums the NZ National Anthem, Comes Quietly hums the Aussie, and King Leer as a look-a-like Dutchman is charged with playing the NZ National Anthem at the hockey which the Aussies won.
  
• Not Tonight wants the hash brew in. Where’s the Whine? You only had a committee meeting on Monday and you can’t figure out where the wine is for Wednesday??? We were all waiting at the run site for wine, and Comes First finally got back from the run to get the warm wine out of her car.
  
• Zipp wants to charge hash brew as well. She is pleased that HB has replaced the crappy reusable plastic cups with “crystal glasses”, but since when did next week’s hares get a drink?
  

   

On that note, since the haze is getting worse and we are coughing and spluttering, it’s On On to the On On.

Scribed by Sneaky Comer

A few haze jokes:

http://www.sgag.sg/gag/2453

http://www.sgag.sg/gag/3075

http://www.sgag.sg/gag/3074

Lorong Sesuai

Hare: Comes Quietly

On On: Red Lantern

Since I had not written a report for the Harriets in a loooong time, I referred to the last one written by Cock Radio to use as a template. Big mistake.

It was a combined run/circle/on-on report – so who knew? OK so maybe not so bad – I did manage to complete the nasty shiggy downhill, stayed awake through most of the circle, and remember a bit of the on-on – Red Lantern as I recall. So here goes:

 

The Run:

We started out from the car park near the top of Lorong Sesuai, the hare pointed us up from there past the microwave towers. There apparently was a check, and a couple of harriets (Wet Pet & Give Way) thought they’d take the stairs down – oops wrong way. Back up the hill and into the shiggy – down we went – seemed like virgin territory to me, but we heard that this section was part of a recent Monday hash. After bashing our way downhill, our merry little party: Not Good Enough, Give Way, Pubic Zipp and I finally emerged after 35 minutes onto Hillview Avenue. From there we short-cut back to Bukit Batok Nature Park and up the path to the car park. Seems we may have missed a bit of the trail.

 

The Circle:

 

Crikey, so what did we think of that for a run? Comes Quietly is given the verdict: Good run!

 

Tell us about your On On: The World Famous Red Lantern.

 

Next week’s run: Blackmore Drive, by Lost Marbles & Sticky Ring.

 

Visitors / Returnees: Vatic*nt, Marina, Eric, DOD, Just Jane, EMP, Chris and Dead Fish. Returnee King Leer.

 

Virgins: Tyler – the GM demanded that the virgin either tell a joke or sing a song. We were all hoping for a sizzling rendition of Gangnam Style, but instead got the karaoke version of “You’ve Lost That Lovin’ Feelin’” – a song that has lost a lot of it’s original message since the introduction of Viagra.

 

New Member: nope.

 

Tits: The Tits were called for – but are still in Malaysia.

 

Dick: Stiffy notes that there are Facebook posters who think people are interested in the details of their travel itineraries, and go so far as to give updates from the business lounge complaining about there being no coffee in Doha. Fat Crashing Bastard is given the Dick – because wearing it will bring him more attention than complaining about the coffee.

 

While the GM fusses about trying to locate the lipstick, Wet Pet steps forward with a charge for Vatic*nt. She recalls that the first time he brought his daughter, Marina, to a Harriets run he was typically fatherly and expressed great concerned about her, however tonight when asked where his daughter was he replied, “Oh she’s off with some man..” He’s to parental neglect.

 

Not Tonight calls Stiffy in for a counter charge to his “Dick charge.” She sarcastically notes that if Stiffy were to post his itinerary on Facebook it would read: Day 1: Greenleaf to Dover, Dover to Greenleaf; Day 2: Greenleaf to Dover, Dover to Greenleaf; Day 3: Greenleaf to Dover, Dover to Tampines!!! Not exactly exciting reading.

 

Lipstick: The GM finally locates the lipstick, and proceeds to cook up some false charges against the following perpetrators: Chris for being in front of Marina, Tyler for being the virgin boy, and DOD and EMP just for being sailors.

 

Awards – nope.

 

AOB:

• Hooray: wants to call Tiger Lily in as a returnee.
  
• EMP: brings in Chris and Marina to be publically pissed on for creeping up the hill until rounding the crest then sprinting home.
  
• EMP: charges Marina again, this time for strange behavior at a circle check. She came upon the circle of toilet paper and when she had to break it she used a long stick as if the paper was used toilet paper. This somehow lead to a NAMING:
  
  • Bog Princess?
    
  • Precious 3-ply?
    
  • Snake Charmer?
    

  Vote came in: Snake Charmer is the hash name that the former Marina will now be known as.
  

• Not Tonight: King Leer had told her that he wasn’t feeling himself tonight (who was he feeling?) and so looked for an old hasher to walk with. So Not Tonight and King Leer were having a nice walk until he sees Comes Quietly at the beer truck, then sprints to the finish. Yet another fast finisher…
  
• It’s now 8:24… a taxi arrives… out steps the missing Bugle Boy. Must have been off paper…He’s immediately brought into the circle for a down-down, but offers no explanation for his tardiness…
  
• Wet Pet: charges EMP for hashing interruptus. As she was going up the hill he caused her to break stride to respond to his offer of a lift up the hill – what bad timing!
  
• Kan Not Kan: calls in Tiger Lily and asks her what were the colors she wore on tonight’s run: red top and black shorts. KNK than brings in Dead Fish who had mistaken a rather tall Singaporean in red and black for Tiger Lily. Here’s to the look alike.
  
• Grand Mattress: DOD is leaving Singapore on Friday morning – so he gets a resounding “Fuck-Off.”
  
• EMP: tells us he has the proper reward for Bugle Boy – the banana protector – so he can put taxi fare inside in case he gets lost on the trail again.
  
• Kan Not Kan: brings Bugle Boy back in for more abuse – this time it’s for not listening to KNK and Dead Fish’s directions to “look for paper on the right” – so what happened? – A: the secret will never be told…
  
• King Leer: has EMP demonstrate how to skip a rope.
  
• Herr Zipp: brings in the newly named Snake Charmer. Tonight was a night for new names – at the beginning of tonight’s run Snake Charmer was heard to call out (to her dad, Vatic*nt) “Andrew, are you coming?” Andrew??!! – here’s to the new names.
  
• EMP: noted Comes First’s loopy behavior tonight – she was running in circles at the circle check.
  
• KNK: suggests that Bugle Boy needs to join the “Tiger Lily Club” for those who don’t pay attention to the trail marking and end up so far off trail that they have to come back via taxi.
  

 

On that note, On On to the On On.

Scribed by Herr Zipp

British Club

Hares: Posh Duck and Not Tonight

On On: British Club

The Run:

A wet run involving highways under construction, shiggy and turf city. Was very pretty in parts, sparking off conversations involving gardening. We also found a new shop to explore at a later date (Parsabella’s- I can recommend it!). Thank you, Hares, it was a very nice run.

 

The Circle: The GM was so excited she started the Circle whilst scribe was still showering.

 

Crikey, so what did we think of that for a run? Unanimous, good run was the call.

 

Tell us about your On On: British Club, $15 and a bargain.

 

Next week’s run: Lorong Sesuai, Comes Quietly.

 

Lipstick: Missed it, sorry.

 

Visitors / Returnees: EMP and 4 friends of GM. Returnees: In and Out

 

Virgins: Chris, from New York.

 

New Member: nope.

 

Tits: Are resting in Malaysia.

 

Dick: Stiffy got the Dick for something to do with lastminute.com.

 

Awards – nope.

 

AOB:

• In and Out noticed the downpour and thinks Posh Duck could be renamed puddle Duck
  
• Not Good Enough has confessed to Posh Duck a history of wet runs. At one point, when waiting for the rain to ease, Posh Duck rather disturbingly admitted that if Not Good Enough had been a woman, he would have fancied a cuddle.
  
• Not Tonight says it poured down on the Sunday recce, but she wasn’t offered a cuddle. Not Good Enough says she was asked, but has forgotten.
  
• Stiffy recalls his his surprise at seeing Not Tonight drive past him and his cycling mates with Posh Duck on Sunday.
  
• GM has just just realised she forgot to do the virgin – down down.
  
• To cover up, GM puts the virgin on the spot and he has to either sing, dance or tell a joke. What do you call a fish with no eyes? F-sh.
  
• Stiffy called in for a down down, just because he is who he is (I think)
  
• GM calls in Josh, and untrainable American, Hong Kong, Beijing are mentioned, but I lost the plot completely, sorry.
  
• Then it gets really confusing, (I’m not called Lost Marbles for nothing) and In and Out and GM are noticed to missing in action, and are apparently lolly gagging: sounds suspiciously torrid, especially when that yellow banana thing makes an appearance. All got a bit hectic at this stage.
  
• Someone noticed In and Out and EMP are dressed identically- down down to the twins.
  
• Wet’n'Wild is turning 21 today, again! There is cake, and the birthday song, hope you had a nice day xx
  
• Not tonight is also better, rather than older.
  

 

Cock Radio is on holiday- I hope it’s a nice, but please come back soon!

 

On that note, On On to the On On.

Scribed by Lost Marbles

Vigilante Drive, Kent Ridge

Hares: Herr Zipp & Pubic Zipp

On On: No.96 South Buona Vista Rd

 

The Run:

The Hares tried to convince us that there would be a little bit of virgin territory on this trail. A little bit virgin? Think about that one. Wonder what they had been smoking?

Down the steps and into the back streets. While checking for Trail, a certain Associate Member was accused by a certain Harriet of not having a female in front of him. The Harriet was told in no uncertain terms by the Associate Member that it is not possible to be in front if we are not on trail yet. A suggestion was also made by the Associate Member as to where the Harriet could shove her lipstick, drawing some puzzled looks from local residents out on their evening stroll.

Back to the run. Over South Buona Vista, along the drain. This has been a regular T Check lately, but not tonight. Through the jungle and into the university grounds.

A sneaky Circle Check kept the Pack together. While all the Associate Members and male visitors searched in all directions, the previously mentioned Harriet with the artificially inseminated lipstick was seen standing and waiting at the Check, no doubt taking down the names of all the searching males that did not have a woman in front.

Finally the Check was broken – by a male of course- and the call of ‘Need a woman’ saw the Harriet in question race off and say ‘Here I am.’ After some deliberation and looking around, a certain Associate Member said ‘Guess you’ll have to do.’ The Associate Member was then subjected to a physical battering from the Harriet in question. Associate Member abuse. On ouch on!

Up the steps, over South Buona Vista Rd and into the bike trail. Front runners failed to break a T Check. Runners finding it later felt like breaking the front runner’s necks.

Nice jungle trail that eventually came out onto the made paths and back home in 40 minutes, just under 5km. Nice enjoyable run thanks Hares.

 

The Circle: The GM starts the Circle before the scribe has pen and paper.

 

Crikey, so what did we think of that for a run? Unanimous, good run was the call.

 

Tell us about your On On: No 96, South Buona Vista Rd. First time we have ever had a $13 meal.

 

Next week’s run: The British Club, Posh Duck & Not Good Enough.

 

Lipstick: Hooray, Stiff, Eat My Penis, Cock Radio, DOD, Kannot Kan (who arrived alone in a taxi after the run), Stiffy and a couple of visitors.

 

Visitors / Returnees: Just Jane, EMP, Harmjan, Loves That Shit, DOD, Dragon Breath, Butt Wiper, Golden Shower, Bagless 2, Stiff.

Returnees Woodbridge & In and Out

 

Virgins: Nope

 

New Member: nope.

 

Tits: Are resting in Malaysia.

 

Dick: Forced Entry, whose boyfriend is away, was grateful for having a Dick for a week. As Fat Crashing Bastard is away this week, Too Easy will obviously need the Dick.

 

Cock Radio has the yellow banana protector. On last Friday’s run, In and Out became immobilized by a piece of razor wire that attached from his lower leg all the way up to his thigh, and was desperately in need of a banana protector.

 

Awards – nope.

 

AOB:

• Sneaky Comer is puzzled how Cock Radio spent so much time complaining about incorrect calling and still ended up with lipstick.
  
• The GM received a 3 hour tutorial from Wet ‘n Wild and Sneaky Comer on how to log into the Harriet’s web site and claim a run date. Despite all her efforts, the July 10 run that Pubic Zipp claimed still states ‘Need Hares.’
  
• Stiff points out that we have a New Age Man in our midst, to be known as a ‘MAMIL.’ Middle Aged Man In Lycra. Stiffy qualifies, although he may be stretching the parameters of middle age.
  
• Herr Zipp took off like a rabbit at the start, but then returned to home after the first Check. Why? To look after all the late comers. And there were many – F$%kin Easy, Kannot Kan, Mother Tongue, Too Easy, Posh Duck….
  
• Sneaky Comer charges Cock Radio for missing a new recruit – a young attractive girl in lycra ran past the Beer Wagon 2 times without having her phone number taken. (I didn’t even see her – CR).
  
• Stiff charged the GM for interrupting the men who were busy watching the young attractive girl in lycra run past.
  
• Kannot Kan tells the GM he has a short charge. ‘Bullshit, bullshit…’ But he did not lie – his charge was so short that it was finished before I wrote anything down.
  
• Not Tonight gets in a pregnant Chinese looking girl – Forced Entry takes the part and is asked how come she didn’t know she was pregnant and lost her baby down the toilet and then thought there was a little cat caught in the sewage pipe. Herr Zipp asked if she named the baby Little Shit.
  
• Forced Entry had In and Out on an honesty charge. I didn’t get to write anymore as I was too busy admiring Forced Entry’s bum that was 6cm from my face. Bummer huh.
  
• Dragon’s Breath (SHUT UP>>) charged Suzee Wong for nonstop yap yap yap, yap yap yap, yap yap yap while on trail. ‘Sounds like you dear,’ piped in Butt Wiper. But Suzee Wong’s yap yap yap, yap yap yap, yap yap yap came in very handy when Dragon’s Breath lost trail, she was able to find her way by following Suzee Wong’s verbal trail.
  
• Mother’s Tongue charged Herr Zipp for diminishing the quality of charges at the Harriet’s Circle. How low can we get?
  
• Eat My Penis reckons that The Boxer looks like Micky Rorky. I have no idea who this is, but must be a sweet, petite gentle type of girl. But in the jungle when the going gets tough, The Boxer transforms into a puma, dashing and pouncing from side to side along trails.
  
• Our Uganda visitor charges the Hares for setting tonight’s run just how he likes his sex – short and easy.
  
• Cock Radio produces his little AGM pouch bag and shows the contents he has placed in it – soap, antiseptic, deodorant etc and thanks the Harriets for providing such a handy gift. However, Sneaky Comer was not so grateful, and when he overheard at a pre AGM meeting that the gift was going to be a little pouch, he let fire ‘I’d like to see the men using that, it’s a silly idea, you need to give something everyone will use…..’ Don’t bag the Harriets.
  
• Forced Entry charged Woodbridge and Mother’s Tongue who suggested that she have her top down and they will have a ride together. They may have been pretending to talk about Forced Entry’s BMW convertible, but all the men knew it was about a lesbian 3 some.
  
• Eat My Penis saw how Just Jane liked to be the chosen one when “Need a woman,’ was called at Circle Checks. Off she would run with a big smile and 10 men chasing after her. But it was a different thing at T Checks as she was relegated to the back of the Pack and no men chasing her.
  
• Cock Radio notices that Just Jane has tried to get away with no Hash clothing by wearing a short little dress with a neckline that plunged all the way down to her belly button. To the dismay of the Associate Members, and the 3 lesbians from the earlier charge, Just Jane declined my shirt offer.
  
• Herr Zipp likes Dragon’s Breath’s idea of oral hashing. Tonight’s run will be set on paper, chalk, flour and yap yap.
  
• Kannot Kan is concerned about the slippage in use of Hash names, and suggests the GM should show the way in upholding the standards by naming everyone in the Circle by their correct Hash name. She did well, In fact it all seemed a bit to easy for her until she stumbled with ‘Louise…’ No, it’s Too Easy. The GM then claims there are too many easy’s.
  

   

On that note, On On to the On On.

Scribed by Cock Radio

 

On On Report – No. 96 South Buona Vista Rd. 24 people in attendance. The first 10 minutes involved a game of musical chairs as we got the right balance on 3 tables. The beer flowed (thanks Hares), the bullshit flowed, the food was excellent and eventually we all went home. Great on on.

 

A blonde gets a job as a teacher.
She notices a boy in the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun.  
She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.  
‘You ok?’ she says.  
‘Yes.’ he says.  
‘You can go and play with the other kids you know.’ she says.  
‘It’s best I stay here.’ he says.  
”Why?’ says the blonde.  
The boys says:
‘Because I am the goalie’  

Lorong Sesuai

Hares: Mother’s Tongue & Daughter Tongue (Jana)

On On: No.24, Home of Mother’s Tongue.

The Run:

Down the hill we went, while others suspected a T Check at the bottom. Stiff and I had seen the ‘On over,’ sign at Upper Bukit Timah Rd as we arrived, but in our haste to get there we almost tripped each other over avoiding a car.

Onto the old railway line for the 2^nd longest T Check in history. Sneaky Comer smelt it and headed back in the opposite direction, along with walkers. The front runners eventually caught up, just in time to hit the 3^rd longest T Check in history.

This time it was back up onto an old bridge, with Wet ‘n Wild and Lost Marbles having to temporarily stop their non stop talk and actually run. Trail took us to a scenic lookout in the old quarry for a compulsory Kodak T Check stop. Very nice.

Stiff and I were sure we would head onto the bike track. Wrong. Back onto the bitumen and into Rail Mall for a little loop. It was here that we found the final Check of the run. In fact from here on, Checks were as scarce as rocking horse shit.

It was up onto the old railway bridge for the start of a long, long section that circumnavigated the Park to home via Hume Ave, Hillview, Bukit Batok East Ave 1, and Old Jurong Rd.

Too Easy led the way but found the going far from easy, deciding to implement interval training by alternating running with walking. The walking intervals became more frequent and longer. The Pack was spread out for a kilometer as runners dodged in and out locals on their evening fitness strolls. The scenery was very pleasant on the eye, the nature views weren’t bad either.

Pushing Boo aside, we finally entered the Park for a more than welcome Vodka – Cranberry drink stop at the quarry.

Good work Hares, 8.3km (for those that did the long T Checks) in 55 mins for front runners, with the rest of the Pack still staggering in 20 minutes later.

 

The Circle: The GM is wearing Croc F#*k Me Shoes tonight.

 

Crikey, so what did we think of that for a run? Checks too short, too many checks in the 2^nd half of the run. Great drink stop, great run.

 

Tell us about your On On: No 24 Lorong Sesuai, Chilli Con Carne, Green Grilled Sausage, salad. Free. Great run!

 

Next week’s run: Vigilante Drive, Herr Zipp, and Pubic Zipp.

 

Lipstick: Hooray, Stiff, Eat My Penis, Cock Radio, DOD, and the cyclists – Stiffy and Fat Crashing Bastard. Stiffy spat. Does he not know by now that the pink cups in the middle of the down down tray are water??

 

Visitors / Returnees: Eat My Penis, Dick On Demand, Stiff

 

Virgins: Nope

 

New Member: nope.

 

Tits: Dick On Demand awards the Tits to Fat Crashing Bastard, so that when he wears them on his bike and is leaning forward we can get a glimpse of his cleavage. Which reminds me, where is Twin Towers?

 

Dick: Stiffy was riding up the hill on Lorong Sesuai to get to the run. Concentrating hard, he was disturbed by the distinctive sound of a BMW engine humming menacingly very close behind him as he maneuvered his way up the steep rise. Despite not being able to turn around to see who was tailgating him all the way up, he has no hesitation giving the Dick to Forced Entry, who just happens to have a convertible sports BMW.

 

Stiffy continues. 2 weeks ago he told about the students at school with their plastic banana protectors, so this week he produces one. He then awards it to Cock Radio, claiming it may help keep his shorts up.

 

Awards –nope.

 

AOB:

• Sneaky Comer realizes this is a ladies Hash, but ladies, please keep it men friendly. When Sneaky asked Lost Marbles for her keys, she said they are the ones with the Tiffany key ring. What the f#*k is a Tiffany?
  
• Wet ‘n Wild gets in EMP and DOD – it seems they only came to get a lippy kiss from the GM.
  
• The GM then announces a recruitment drive –bring along guests everyone.
  
• Mother Tongue charges the Hash Brew for derelict of duty- Too Easy, where are you? Bring out the down downs.
  
• Slowcum blames Fat Crashing Bastard for singing the down down song too early, catching the Hash Brew unawares
  
• Sneaky Comer does not wait for the GM and enters the Circle. We know that the ladies are directionally challenged at times on the run, but it was a worry when DOD and EMP, 2 fine members of the US Navy, had no idea which way to go, despite the obvious signs. How does the 1^st Fleet ever find its way back to Port?
  
• The GM fills in CR with one of her social venues that I failed to mention in last week’s report – Harrys.
  
• Wet Pet likes the fashion show on parade tonight, bringing in Stiffy and his colorful orange riding top.
  
• Herr Zipp gave a charge, but in my notes all it says is Herr Zipp. Either my pen ran out or the vodka cranberry took its toll.
  

   

 

On that note, On On to the On.

Scribed by Cock Radio.

 

On On Report – 24 Lorong Sesuai. Over 20 in attendance, great food dished up in the back patio overlooking the lawn. Free beer and some wine too. Only thing lacking was a pool.

 

Seamus  &  Bessie…

 An Irish farmer named Seamus had an accident with a lorry ,and was sueing the lorry company, 
In court their hot-shot solicitor was questioning Seamus.. 

Solicitor 

‘Now didn’t you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine?’      . 

Seamus 
 
‘Well, I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite cow, Bessie, into the…’ 

Solicitor 

‘I didn’t ask for any details’,'Just answer the question. Did you not tell the police officer, at the scene of the accident,   ‘I’m fine!’?’ 

Seamus 
 
‘Well, I had just got Bessie into the sidecar and I was driving down the road….’ 

The solicitor interrupted again and said, 
 
‘Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.’ 

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus’s answer and said to the solicitor: 
 
‘I’d like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie’.

Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 
 
‘Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the sidecar and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit me right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt very bad like, and didn’t want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans. Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the policeman came charging across the road, gun still in hand, looked me up and down, and said, 
     ‘How badly are you hurt?’ 

‘Now what the hell would you have said’?

East Coast Park, car park F2

Hares: Wet ‘n Wild, Sneaky Comer

On On: Sunset Bay, a la carte

The Run:

It never rains on the East Coast, except when these 2 Hares set a run there. A warning from the Hares – once you are committed to the run, there is no short cut home. And keep an eye open for Sneaky’s lost pole – was Wet ‘n Wild doing pole dancing in the jungle?

Prepared with roller blades to join the trendy East Coast set, I was soon in trouble as trail went into a nature sanctuary within 20 metres of the beer wagon. Taking a chance, I scooted on down the road past Hooray to the underground pass under the ECP. There was trail. Steps and roller blades don’t go hand in hand, more like arse over tit. Take the handicapped ramp.

Posh Nash leads the dare devil charge across an ECP slip road on a blind bend. Not a good place for your laces to come undone. Into ankle breaking grassland skirting the only remaining patch of jungle on the East Coast. No place for roller blades here. T Check. Obviously Hares could not find the trail leading through the jungle, despite their numerous recces.

Taking another hunch, I found trail leading through bush parallel to the road. Seemed rather similar to last years, but maybe it was the year before. Posh Nash showed us where not to put our feet, her right foot leaving a deep impression in suspect mud on several occasions. Sherlock Holmes would have a field day.

More ankle breaking grassland, again skirting the only patch of jungle left on the East Coast. Comes Quietly discovers trail along the canal, and we finally go into the last remaining jungle on the East Coast. And 10 meters later we are out again, running along the canal. Again, the Hares could not find the trail through the jungle, despite their multitude of recces.

More ankle breaking grassland skirting the same patch of jungle next to the ECP. Into the trail next to the Army Base for what looked like finally some jungle trail. But a T Check brought us back out. Despite a plethora of recees, the Hares could not find the jungle trails.

Now time to put the roller blades back on for a 3km saunter (?) back along the East Coast Park with the beautiful people.

6.6km, front runners in at 55mins and a very strung out pack after that.

Those that didn’t think crossing an ECP slip road on a blind corner was exciting enough then ventured into the pristine waters of the East Coast to cool off. Your scribe has survived (well, up to the time of writing this report anyway.) Keep your eyes open on the health status of Too Easy, Stiff and Comes Quietly.

Great run Hares thanks, although I need to put my roller blades in for a grease and oil change.

 

The Circle: The GM is trying to fit in with the beautiful people of the East Coast Park set by sporting a new blondish hairstyle that could almost land her a job as the next Sunsilk hair model.

 

Crikey, so what did we think of that for a run? Too much jungle, too many roller bladers. How do we get home? Why is it raining?

 

Tell us about your On On: Sunset Beach – East Coast, not Hawaii where the waves are slightly larger.

 

Next week’s run: Lorong Sesuai, car park at top, Mother’s Tongue.

 

Lipstick: Hooray, Comes Quietly, virgin boy.

Then the rest of the males were called in for some reason, and in her excitement, the GM dropped the lippy in the gravel before she applied it to the males. The imbedded gravel ripped facial skin, worse than being kissed by your grandmother. Or Grandfather. Ouch.

 

Visitors / Returnees: My goodness – we have an official guest list sheet with headings for guests, returnees and virgins. No more pieces of tissue, newspaper and assorted scraps of paper to hand to the scribe. (No more feeble losing excuses for the scribe).

Bagless Too, Stiff (financing the club with guest fees), Frances.

 

Virgins: Jean Michel. French with American accent and is from China. He got the losing trifecta huh. If there was a Russian connection as well, he would have the ultimate loser quadrella of nationality mix.

 

New Member: nope.

 

Tits: Last week, Gypsy asked the Virgin James if he was coming next week.

‘Probably’ was his fatal answer that made certain of him getting the Tits. Unfortunately, his answer of ‘probably’ about returning this week proved to be a ‘no way.’ (Not many virgins on the East Coast?) Gypsy cops a serve.

 

Dick: Stiffy is still looking for his banana protector.

 

Awards – nope.

 

AOB:

• Wet Brazilian, as ex GM, tells how she put up with hail, rain and sunshine when she was mismanaging the Circle. So it makes her puke to see the new GM having an umbrella held over by Wet ‘n Wild while she keeps dry running the Circle.
  
• Sneaky Comer wants the FRB’s in? Who didn’t pick up paper at the last T Check by the Army Base?? Cock Radio claims innocence because he knew it was a T Check and waited, Posh Nash claimed innocence due to being blind. Frances, have a drink.
  
• Sneaky Comer was confirmed as a tall guy; no doubt he cleared all the spider webs. Deb found one however and let all of East Coast know. Call out the Civil Defence.
  
• Sneaker Comer can’t believe that Cock Radio found an old metal broom stick, carried it 20 metres before discarding it, and then tried to claim Sneaky Comer’s reward for finding his state of the art walking pole.
  
• Pubic Zipp, out at the first of her 9 daily social events at 8.30am rings home to remind Herr Zipp’
  

  ‘Lock the door when you take the dogs for their morning walk’.
  

  ‘Yes dear.’
  

  Moving from the Shangri-La champagne breakfast, the GM arrives at Chimes for Japanese Sushi Saki morning tea at 9.30am.
  

  ‘Herr Zipp, lock the door when you walk the dogs.’
  

  ‘Yes dear.’
  

  Next stop, Raffles Brunch.
  

  ‘Have you walked the dogs yet?’
  

  ‘I’m working on it.’
  

  1.00pm – Mandarin Hotel Orchid.-
  

  ‘Have you walked the dogs, did you lock the door?’
  

  ‘Under control dear’
  

  2.30, GM at the Hyatt. ‘Just want to ask you something but can’t remember what it was.’
  

  ‘I walked the dogs an hour ago dear.’
  

  ‘Did you lock the fridge?’
  

  4.00. Marina Bay Sands – pre dinner cocktails.
  

  ‘Have you taken the squirrel out yet?
  

  ‘Later dear, when I go to Geylang.’
  

  ‘That’s nice Herr Zipper. Don’t forget to lock the cupboard and walk the goldfish. I’m off to Zouk now.’
  

  ‘Yes dear.’
  

  • Sneaky Comer immediately is in to remind the GM about the longevity of a marriage – asking the husband to do the same thing within a 6 month period is not on.
    
  • Hooray calls in all the mothers. Stiff is kicked out, mothers not mother f#*kers. Hooray, out too. Champagne – pretend- drink to the mums.
    
  • Speaking of Mother’s day. The GM calls in those husbands who did not give their wives a ‘Mother’s Day’ gift on the grounds that their wife is not their mother. On in Bastard Stiff, Bastard Herr Zipp and Bastard Gypsy. Bastards.
    
  • Hooray has been trying to get a Hash name for new member Deb. But everytime he suggests something to her, she says ‘F#*k off Hooray.’ He suggests ‘Pussyfoot,’ ‘Ants in the Bush,’ and other woozy names etc etc. The response to these suggestions was ‘F#*k Off Hooray.’ No doubt ‘F#*k Off Hooray’ was a winner. Something everyone is happy to say.
    
  • A car drove through the Circle at this stage, against the one way traffic. Gypsy said something like ‘You f#*king bodo, one way, read the f#*king arrows. Are you from Singapore or what?’ He may have said ‘Careful,’ but I am not sure.
    
  • Sunday Hash Bukit Brown, Kampong Saturday at Bukit Batok.
    

 

On that note, On On to the On.

Scribed by Cock Radio.

 

On On Report – Sunset Bay. A la carte. Lacking in Sunset, high in spirit. 18 people at dinner, thanks for coming, even if the restaurant was very thingy about bringing in your own booze.

 

A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store.
The store clerk called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor.

The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency
open heart bypass surgery.

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the
Catholic Hospital. A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard
loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was going to
pay for his treatment.

“Do you have health insurance?” she asked.

He replied in a raspy voice, “No health insurance.”

The nun asked, “Do you have money in the bank?”

He replied, “No money in the bank.”

Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?”
asked the irritated nun.

He said, “I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun.”

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, “Nuns are not spinsters!
Nuns are married to God.”

The patient replied, “Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law.”Â

Sembawang Rd (Car park diagonally opposite Sembawang Shopping Centre – virgin run site)

Hare: Cock Radio

On On: 1036 Coffee Shop

The Run:

A new run site but familiar rumblings of thunder and rain lurking around. The Hare warned that it would not be a long run so don’t run fast. Also there is a prize for anyone correctly counting the number of construction sites passed on the run.

Across Sembawang Rd and it was Jack Off breaking the first Circle Check. The Pack was stretched out along the grassland along the MRT to the next Circle at the canal. Wee Willy crossed the road in the direction of the fire station. Wrong. It was into forest for a parallel trail back to where we had just come from. Through a little market garden where a look-alike monk was seen chanting and begging for alms in front of a little shrine. (You tight buggers, I didn’t even get 20 cents).

Trail came out of the forest and followed grassland all the way to the canal (again). Some runners exited out of the grasslands and were swallowed up by the maize of Sembawang back streets, never to be seen again. Wet ‘n Wild may have been one of them.

Long traffic lights at Sembawang Rd got the Pack back together and allowed Wee Willy to catch up after his tour of Yishun Fire Station.

Along Gambas Ave. before more grasslands. The last part of the run into the jungle was abandoned due to darkness and the fact that home was only 200 metres away.

5km in 45 minutes, apart from those runners still lost in the backstreets.

 

The Circle: The new GM, Pubic Zipp, asserts her authority and gets a good sized group of 30 runners assembled. She also points out that, as she is still a new GM, she has her F#*k Me Trainers on.

Wet ‘n Wild has the Anzac Biscuits she was going to give us 3 weeks ago. Nearly as long as the troops in the trenches had to wait for them to arrive from Australia during WW 1.

 

Crikey, so what did we think of that for a run? An early nomination for Run of the Year. (Irrelevant that it is the only run of the year so far).

 

Tell us about your On On: 1036 Coffee Shop, Sembawang Rd. (early nomination for On On of Year)

 

Next week’s run: East Coast Park, car park F2. Wet ‘n Wild, Sneaky Comer. Fill up with petrol and bring your roller blades.

 

Lipstick: Hooray, F*#kin’ Easy (who arrived late and was coming into the car park as we were going out.) Wee Willy and the Virgin James. There was no lippy so they all got a kiss from the GM instead. Gypsy then insisted he was in front several times.

 

Visitors / Returnees: Dick on the Man, Eat My Penis, Wee Willie, Lap Dancer, Stiff and the returning Quicksand who has not been sighted for years. Obviously she knows a good run when she sees it.

 

Virgins: James

 

New Member: nope.

 

Tits: Gypsy asked the Virgin James if he was coming next week.

‘Probably’ was his fatal answer that made certain of him getting the Tits. James was seen tip toeing like a fairy around some waterlogged areas. Why? These are my only pair of shoes. So who brought him and failed to advise to bring a change of clothes. Eat My Penis. One of them got the Tits. Maybe they got 1 each.

 

Dick: Cock Radio had no one to give it too. Until Stiffy started telling me about the new phallic banana protectors you can buy at the $2 shop. Thanks Stiffy, here’s the Dick, now go and buy a banana protector for it.

 

 

Awards –nope.

 

 

AOB:

• The GM thanks the old committee and introduces the new one. Good luck!
  
• Cock Radio then asks for answers to the number of construction sites quizzed. Stiff confidently was calling out 7, but he didn’t have his hand up so he was disqualified. Cock Radio then insisted that Lap Dancer have a try. ‘What is the prize?’ she asked hesitantly. ‘A night out with me,’ declared Cock Radio. Lap Dancer promptly gave 1 as her answer. ‘Close enough, Lap Dancer wins.’ Yay!
  
• Stiffy cannot believe that Kannot Kan thought Anzac Biscuits were baked by Americans.
  
• Fat Crashing Bastard shows us scary pictures of what the Velcro Twins might look like in 30 years. An American couple has been wearing the same clothes as each other for 30 years. 20 years to go Jack Off and Slocum.
  
• Kannot Kan comes up with some Velcro style names that go to together (Jack Off – Slocum), such as Stiff and Stiffener, Stiffy and Not Tonight. The return of Quicksand tonight but where is Ayam Zinking?
  
• Herr Zipp has a whinge – the lippy boys all got a kiss from his GM wife, but all he gets is half f#*ked.
  
• Eat My Penis charged Lap Dancer for being tired along the run. (Wait till she has had her night out with me.)
  
• Don’t go away Lap Dancer. Towards the end of this run of the year, Lap Dancer, who was walking, asked me if we were half way yet? When I said we were 200 meters from home, she called ‘On on’ and sprinted home.
  
• The GM calls in Goes Down Easy – we hope she does not go down easy while running the Great Wall of China.
  
• Stiff noticed the new GM referring to a pink note book. Why? It has the order of proceedings in it. The GM then produced the pink note book – from out of the back of her shorts! Neat trick.
  
• The GM asked visitor Francis what he liked most about this run of the year. ‘The drains.’ Now there is a man with his mind in the gutter.
  
• Dances With Kerbs observed what runners do at a Circle Check. Some check, some stand around chatting while the others check. But Quicksand prefers to climb on the play equipment. We always knew she was a playful little thing.
  
• Eat My Penis thanks Kannot Kan. Why? Because Kannot Kan often turns up late and even if he does not run, he still insists on changing and having a long shower in front of everyone, inflicting serious mental damages on those in view. Tonight he is still in work clothes – no shower. Thank you.
  
• The GM has been going to belly dancing class and wants to spark up her poor neglected husband, Herr Zipp. And to help out she calls in Lap Dancer for a demo. Gypsy and I immediately moved to the other side of the Circle for a rear view. Belly dancing is not all about the belly.
  
• The GM charged Two Jugs for being too innocent – she has not done anything worthy of being charged yet.
  
• Dances With Kerbs and Quicksand were charged for talking, and Forced Entry for not talking. No one is safe with this GM.
  

   

On that note, On On to the On On. (on on of the year that is)

Scribed by a more coherent Cock Radio.

 

On On Report – 1036 Coffee Shop, $10, – 21 in attendance. Seriously good food and HHH friendly. On on of year at this stage.

 

Confessions of a Hooker (possible joke of the year)

 

A couple were lying in bed together on the morning of their tenth wedding anniversary
when the wife says, ‘Darling, as this is such a special occasion, I think that it is time I made a confession:

Before we were married I was a hooker for eight years.’
 
The husband ponders for a moment and then looks into his wife’s eyes and says,

‘My love, you have been a perfect wife for ten years! I cannot hold your past against you, maybe you could show me a few tricks of the trade and spice up our sex life a bit?’
 
She said, ‘I don’t think you understand, my name was Brian and I played rugby for Wales . … .’