American Day Run
Hares: Big Head & Virginia Slim
Where: Bukit Batok Worker’s Canteen, Bukit Batok Road
On On: On Site Mr Ho American Food
The Run
Hmm, the American Day run. Well I am usually away this time of year so I was quite looking forward to experiencing the best that America can offer. Last Friday’s Independence Day run was quite good after a dodgy start, and if 20 Americans on Friday can do a pretty good job of a run, surely 2 can do an even better job? So off I headed, map, 3 pages of directions to the run site, GPS and portable translator (for the taxi driver) in hand. Virginia Slim had left almost nothing to chance, with two Google map pointers, one Streetdirectory.com pointer, and of course the web site Bing Map; one of which could surely get me to the run site. Taxi drivers, however, are never convinced about heading down one of the two remaining dirt roads in Singapore so it took a bit of convincing and a small tip to get him to head past the stern visage of the security guard and over to the aptly named “Bukit Batok Worker’s Canteen”. No hares to be found but Hooray was there, one who makes a practice of being first – to arrive, to leave, to find the first trail mark, etc.
Eventually one hare arrived, the other “still out setting trail”. Oh oh, I thought, better bring a torch. Big Head hobbled into the circle having done something to her feet, reminded us there would be a bloody good drink stop so don’t short cut (Boo), and set us off on our way. Now, ladies, this is a Virgina Slim run. So don’t wear white shoes, and something like a wet suit might be appropriate to protect your sensitive bits. Despite these being “common knowledge”, the first bit of sludge (shiggy is too nice a term for what we trudged through) brought squeals from Kan the Kobra and a question from up front “who is that having an orgasm?” That was the last we saw of Kan the Kobra, Sybil, and a few others who clearly thought if that was the beginning, they didn’t want to see the end and found their own way around Bukit Batok.
For those of us following trail, it is almost impossible to describe the path we took. A GPS track would show a winding track that “loosely” went clockwise and regularly converged on the top of Bukit Batok hill. In other words we went up and down the bastard about 7 times. Those who have been to Bukit Batok hill before know that it is the centre of Singapore’s Rattan Vine growing industry, but it isn’t well maintained so those little bloody creeping prickly vines lay all over the forest floor waiting to wrap themselves around unsuspecting ankles and cut them to ribbons. The hares know this, of course, so ensured the trail first went through a rattan minefield and shortly thereafter through the local pig sewer so that newly grazed and scraped weeping sores could be thoroughly marinated in whatever is in that mud. Rinse and repeat 7 times.
I don’t want to sound like I am whinging though because it was a bloody good trail. Very little chance to short-cut, everyone kept guessing, and those little finishing flourishes like the climb up and down the gravel heap and the last hill that required climbing equipment were especially nice touches. Although, I was running with Forced Entry at the time and the way she was huffing and puffing about the bloody trail at that point suggested Virginia Slim had little chance of any form of entry later that evening. Finally we emerged from the forest down a hill to find Big Head waiting with a very nice concoction of vodka and fruit juice, marinated fruit, and, it is alleged, some gin (procured from where I couldn’t say). On in, slow old bastards like me took 7:20 but I think the front runners were in just over an hour.
The Circle: The circle was slightly delayed while everyone had a VERY good wash. On site “showers” were welcome to many.
Crikey, what did we think of that for a run? Big Head then called the circle to order, called herself in along with Virginia Slim, and asked what we thought? “Very well laid” came to mind for some, but no dissenters: “good run”!
Tell us about your on on: on site Mr Ho Tex Mex, $12, with beer kindly provided by the Virginia Slim in honour of an impending divorce – who’s, I am not sure, but Forced Entry was still grumbling about the end of the run. For me, I assume beer is an internal antiseptic, and took plenty to ward off infection.
Next week’s run: Dances with Kerbs and Sybil will conduct a run in Chinatown, at the Pearl Bank carpark near Outram Park. See web site. On on will be on site, packet Briyani.
Visitors / Returnees: Knobby Boy Scout, Vibrator, Totally Unacceptable, Shirley Temple, Stephen, Nut Scratcher, Belcher, and Posh Duck. Welcome, hope you all still have your limbs intact.
Virgins: Nope, they have all heard of Virginia Slim and Big Head.
Lipstick: No lipstick, might get mistaken for one of those girls sneaking out the back of the worker’s dormitories.
Tits: are away this week (Ad Nauseum has them, in case you were asking).
Dick: Father Anus, after 6 months of shining and polishing the dick, has returned it. Please don’t say “keep the dick”, we need it back! Following on from last week, where it was revealed that Sybil does not have an email account and has only just discovered the telephone, Father Anus was very grateful that after calling for help on email, it was only Sybil who responded to help out, bringing Dances with Kerbs along with her. For those who didn’t read the newsletter, Father Anus has been “working his ass out” (circle calls “put the ring in” – private joke from the wedding the evening before) and hadn’t had time to recce a run. Father Anus is so grateful he honours Sybil by giving her the dick.
Awards – None, tonight!
AOB:
· Sneaky Comer enters the circle carrying a little baggy. The hares are very thoughtful, they mark the trail well and leave little baggies of flour and paper at T-checks and circles so that those who find the checks (generally FRB’s) can break them for those who arrive later (generally SOB’s (Slow Old Bastards)). However, near the end of the run Sneaky Comer chanced upon a T-check that had not been broken. Sitting nicely on the T was a full baggy of flour and paper, just ready for a well meaning FRB to pick up and break the check with. Sneaky Comer had conducted an interrogation of likely suspects (FRB’s) and all had pointed the finger of blame at Tiger Lily, who gets a drink for being so mean spirited to us poor SOB’s.
· Virginia Slim enters the circle looking resplendent in a suit coat, remarking “now I know why I haven’t gotten married”. He wants to know if the owner wants it back. The owner sheepishly enters the circle, being none other than the groom from the night before’s wedding festivities, Wet Patch. Wet Patch was, for some reason, in such a hurry to leave last night that he left half his kit behind (well, he didn’t need it later, did he?) His lovely sons decided to play a little joke and give it to Virginia Slim for “safe-keeping”, leaving their father to place phone calls all over town the next day looking for his jacket, which did after all contain a few valuables. Anyway, give the forgetful and worried one a note (and read on to find out that such forgetfulness seems to run in the new family). Note also that Virginia Slim has retained the “little black book” he found in a jacket pocket.
· Loose Change reminds the circle that the celebrant last night got a little flustered and asked Wet Patch to “put the ring in”. Ah, the speak good English campaign is really having an impact, isn’t it J.
· Sneaky Comer reminded the circle of the rattan infested running trail. After his shower, Sneaky Comer is always careful to liberally spray mossie repellent about. Unfortunately, Off is NOT a soothing balm when applied to freshly cut and bleeding ankles, as he was freshly reminded this evening. On in Virginia Slim, who always seems to find a nice combination of rattan, shit swamp, and mosquitos so this experience is repeated. Virginia Slim gets a spray of Off down the trousers to share the experience.
· Kannot Kan noticed that Shaggy Dick Too was running in non hash attire. Doesn’t he know that SCB (in the hash sense) does not stand for Standard Chartered Bank.
· In and Out has just become aware there was a wedding last night, so he asks Shoe Shopper to stand on a chair, invites in Wet Patch, a leads the circle in a charming rendition of “side by side”:
We got married on, Sunday,
The party didn’t finish till, Monday,
And when the guests had gone home,
We were all alone, Side by side.
Well we got ready for bed then,
And I very nearly dropped dead when,
Her teeth and her hair, she placed on the chair,
Side by side.
Well the shock did very near kill me,
When a glass eye did fall,
Then her leg and then her arm,
She placed against the chair (wall?),
Well this left me broken hearted,
For most of my wife had departed,
So I slept on the chair,
There was more of her there,
Side by Side.
· Kannot Kan recalls another high profile hash wedding, when a Tease became Meek. Had to be there, Kannot Kan has a drink.
· Tiger Lily noted that Sybil was “on the prowl” tonight, chatting up a couple of foreign workers at the canteen. Giver her a note.
· This reminds Sybil that she is very very confused. She didn’t realize there was a wedding on and reminds everyone that they must tell her about such events so she can flirt with the single guys. On in all the single boys; Shaggy Dick Too, Vibrator, Father Anus, In and Out, Totally Unacceptable for a drink. At least this week Vibrator has remembered he is not married. They get a drink to calls of “no sex in the circle”.
· Shoe Shopper Parker, as she is now known, calls in Shaggy Dick Too for rudeness. Talking to Tiger Lily before the run, who was wearing a sports bra, he was heard to say “Oh, I see you are wearing a push out bra”. Give the MCP a note.
· Nut Scratcher hasn’t had too much experience with marriages, having only had two Dads and three Mums. However, he is sure that wedding dress is important. So he wants to know how to answer the hotel, who called to ask if Shoe Shopper wanted her wedding dress back, which they had found in her room.
· Not Tonight is sick of loquacious male members, on in Stiffy and In and Out who haven’t shut up all circle. It would be all right if the subject was interesting, but the main topic of conversation has been how to keep barnacles off the prop. Magic marker, apparently, give them both a drink.
· Virginia Slim has an announcement – thai girls are available around the back, they brought their own mattress, not included in run fee (pay your own). Loose Change pipes in and remarks “that’s why the taxi driver didn’t want to bring us here”.
And with that, it’s On on to Mr Ho’s Tex Mex.
Scribed by Sneaky Comer.