The Cunning Run
Lorong Sesuai
Hares: Cunnilicker & Shoeless
On On: 7 Mile Coffee Shop, Corner of Toh Yi Drive and Jalan Jurong Kechil
The Run:
Facts:
• Australia beat England 5-0 in the Cricket
• The Pope is a Catholic.
• The sun sets in the west
Now that’s out of the way and it can’t be said that this reputable piece of Hashing Literature is total fantasy and does not contain any truth whatsoever, here is the rest of this week’s Run & Circle Report.
Wi nøt trei a høliday in Sweden this yër?
I arrived at 4.30 to find a totally empty car park. Where was the Hare’s car? Had they forgot they were setting the run? Had they got the Run site mixed up? Could this be a disaster? Quickly I rang the On Sec, who said she would bring flour and paper so we could set a last minute almost live Hare run.
See the løveli lakes.
How was I to know that the Hares were dutifully out there setting the run with the assistance of their motorbike? At 5.50, up rolled Cunnilicker on his motorbike with Shoeless on the back hanging onto half a toilet roll. Not sure if the paper was for the run or a reflection on Cunnilicker’s bike riding skills.
The wøndërful telephøne system And mäni interesting furry animals
Down the hill to the traffic lights rolled a large Pack. I took the first traffic light to turn green and followed Stiffy and Slowcum on their bikes across Upper Bukit Timah Rd and onto the old railway line, as the Hares said it was a Green Run and this is ‘The Green Corridor.’
Including the majestik møøse
Wrong green however. The run actually went back the opposite way in the direction of Teck Whye, where all enjoyed some apparently nice pieces of jungle greenery.
A Møøse once bit my sister… No realli! She was Karving her initials on the møøse with the sharpened end of an interspace tøøthbrush given her by Svenge – her brother-in-law – an Oslo dentist and star of many Norwegian møvies: “The Høt Hands of an Oslo Dentist”, “Fillings of Passion”, “The Huge Mølars of Horst Nordfink”…
Well, almost all. Your scribe, after running to Railway Mall, where very new looking trail was found, realized that due to the lack of rain in the last 3 weeks, that this was very well preserved old trail.
We apologise for the fault with the Swedish text in this run report. Those responsible have been sacked.
Back to Bukit Batok Nature Reserve, where 2 on home to beer signs were discovered – yep, one of them was a well-preserved old marking.
Along the way I came across 2 well-preserved Hash relics– Kamala & Dances With Kerbs, along with a slightly worn Hash member in Lethal Weapon, with her knee held together by a large bandage.
Mynd you, møøse bites Kan be pretti nasti…
We apologise again for the Swedish text fault in this report. Those responsible for sacking the people who have just been sacked have been sacked.
The Circle:
Jack Off lets all of Bukit Batok know that the Circle will be starting immediately. When this failed to move any Hashers into action, she then used a voice louder than an A380 engine on take off to bellow ‘Form a F#*king Circle right f#*king now. What’s so hard about making a f#*king circle.’
So we did.
Møøse trained by YUTTE HERMSGERVØRDENBRØTBØRDA Special Møøse Effects OLAF PROT III
Crikey, so what did we think of that for a run? Not enough jungle. Where are the cigars? Very good run.
Miss Taylor’s Møøses by HENGST DOUGLAS-HOME Møøse trained to mix concrete and sign complicated insurance forms by JURGEN WIGG
Tell us about your On On: Buffet – turn right, then right and right at the petrol station up the hill, right at the bus stop on the right. If you get to Jurong, you’ve gone too far.
Møøses’ noses wiped by BJØRN IRKESTØM-SLATER WALKER
Next week’s run: Blackmore Drive, Forced Entry and her Valentine
Suggestive poses for the Møøse suggested by VIC ROTTER
Guests: Pepe, Foetus, Trash, Dragon Breath, Marc, Ditch, Mati Hari, Totally Unacceptable, King Lear, Bugle Boy, Cunnilicker, Shoeless, Bagless Too.
Returnees:
“RALPH” The Wonder Llama.
Virgins: Nope.
The directors of the firm hired to continue this report after the other people had been sacked, wish it to be known that they have just been sacked. The report has been completed in an entirely different style at great expense and at the last minute.
Lipstick: Imperfect Member, Hooray, Bugle Boy, Kan Not Kan, Stiffy & Slocum. & 6 VENEZUELAN RED LLAMAS
Tits: Cock Radio’s ears are still ringing from the GM’s shouting orders to form a ‘ f#*king Circle right f#*king now,’ so imagine what Slowcum has to put up with every day. So Slowcum gets the Tits so he can use them as ear muffs to save his eardrums.
Dick: Cock Radio again, on a gender bender with Tits and Dick, gives Trash the Dick. And why not, some would say. While everyone was in a panic about the Hares not being here before the run, after some considerable time, finally Trash spoke up and said she saw them at the bottom of the hill earlier. Now you tell us.
Banana Protector: Jack Off is hanging onto it. Persistent rumours that it has been smashed into a thousand pieces are scurrilous and should be ingnored.
Awards – 76000 BATTERY LLAMAS FROM “LLAMA-FRESH” FARMS LTD. NEAR PARAGUAY.
AOB:
- Sneaky Comer & REG LLAMA OF BRIXTON had a sense of direction charge last week on Goes Down Easy, wishing it would rub off onto his directionless wife. On arriving at a rather challenging water crossing in the jungle, Wet ‘n Wild took one look at it and declared ‘I’m not f#*king crossing that.’ So she then turned back and made it back home in reverse all on her own. Not bad for a Kiwi blonde.
- Red Snapper thinks that one female was a bit horny tonight – Ayam Kampong spent a lot of time on her back in the jungle. Was she waiting for Cunnilicker & EARL J. LLAMA, MIKE Q. LLAMA III, SY LLAMA, MERLE Z LLAMA IX?
- Totally Unacceptable charged Cock Radio for doing a disappearing act at the first lights. Very unacceptable.
- Fat Crashing Bastard saw Totally Unacceptable ignore a sign saying ‘Do Not Enter,’ and went down a one-way street the wrong way. Totally Unacceptable.
- Jack Off tells how men will look at a beautiful woman and say ‘I remember you, haven’t we met before,’ as a bit of a pick up line. But poor Jack Off has men saying to her ‘Haven’t we met before, I remember those shoes.’
- Bugle Boy is worried about Cunnilicker’s shorts – they are red but the white patches on them are not design but rather SE Asian bacteria he has picked up.
-
Bugle Boy & 14 NORTH CHILEAN GUANACOS (CLOSELY RELATED TO THE LLAMA), are worried because they shared some of Cunnilicker’s cigar, and may have shared saliva too. It seems that Cunnilicker has a horrible ugly SE Asian bacteria on his appendage – it spread from his shorts. He sought medical treatment:
- In Singapore, they gave him some cream. No good. It spread to his testicles.
- He sought advice in Burma – amputate they said. Not an option.
- So he went to Indonesia – burn it off was the solution offered. Goodness gracious, great balls of fire.
- Finally he went to Thailand where they took one look at his problem and told him there was nothing to worry about at all – it will drop off in 2 weeks. Boom boom.
- In Singapore, they gave him some cream. No good. It spread to his testicles.
- Dragon Breath was having a conversation with a fellow runner, who kept asking about ‘That song…’ What song? ‘You know, that song..’ Well of course, there is only one ‘That song…’ and Kan Not Kan is in to sing it. ‘He’s the meanest, he sucks the Llamas………’ & 142 MEXICAN WHOOPING LLAMAS joined the chorus.
- Cunnilicker tells how he had a beer with his co Hare after (or was it during?) setting the run. Shoeless put his empty can on the ground and crushed it with his foot, only to find beer squirting out of it. Not one to waste a drop, he picked up the not quite empty can and sucked out the remaining beer.
On on to the On On.
Scribed by Cock Radio
Assisted by 40 SPECIALLY TRAINED ECUADORIAN MOUNTAIN LLAMAS, Antler-care by LIV THATCHER
The characters and incidents portrayed in this report and the names used are fictitious and any similarity to the names, characters, or history of any person is entirely accidental and unintentional. Signed RICHARD M. NIXON
A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store. As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked,
“Son, can you tell me where the Post Office is?”
The little boy replied, “Sure! Just go straight down this street a coupla blocks and turn to your right.”
The man thanked the boy kindly and said, “I’m the new pastor in town. I’d like for you to come to church on Sunday…I’ll show you how to get to Heaven.”
The little boy replied with a chuckle. “You’re bullshitting me, right? You don’t even know the way to the Post Office!”